Unsure how to react after comment from DP.

[OldGreyBoots]

On Saturday DP told me "you never dress like a woman."
There is slight context as I was offering to lend him something for Halloween as my last couple of costumes have been unisex - however he specified he was referring to my everyday wear, jeans and blouses etc.
I confronted him about it, he knows it upset me and has apologised, but I can't seem to get past it!

Generally I am a "top and jeans" person, but made an effort to wear dresses and skirts for much of the summer as I know DP prefers them. I also enjoyed dressing up in the bedroom, but after his comment I feel like stopping making an effort entirely, and don't know what to do to sort things out. I don't believe the comment was intended to criticise me per se, DP has a tendency to speak before he thinks, and he is in many ways lovely so I really want to get things back on track relationship wise.

If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading!

It's cold..all women are wearing jeans and trousers at this time of year! Unless it's a special occasion.

Most women I know wears jeans and jumpers or t shirts - a blouse is very feminine. What’s he on about? ‘Most women wear dresses?’ No they don’t!

I wonder what his feelings would be if you said "you never dress like a man".

Sorry OP but red flag for me.

Last ex was like this and I started to dress for them.............lost my self!!

I’m concerned that where you see ‘loving nice guy’ most of us would see controlling, manipulative, gaslighting arse.

You spent the summer in dresses and skirts...but you ‘never dress like a woman’? You need to get to the bottom of that horrible comment and find out what he was getting at.

Frankly, I suspect, it’s simply an effort to make you insecure and more keen to please him.

I’m really don’t think you’re seeing him for what he is.

I do think its a very judgemental comment and given the relative newness of the relationship I would be concerned.

Can you imagine a time when you say "you don't look/dress like a man" unless it was said in jest there is likely to be an underlying belief that is driving the comment.

You need to understand this, which is why the apology isn't making the comment go away. However he may not willing share his beliefs if he has controlling tendencies.

What is his parents relationship like? Past relationships?

What an ass. Dress for yourself, not him!

Dress like a woman?

I “dress like a woman” by wearing whatever the fuck I want.

I would have just said I don't need to dress like a woman because I am a woman and then told him to fuck off and probably said fine I will dress like a woman if you act like a man and do x, y and z and see how he felt.

Luckily my dh is complimentary to me most of the time even when I am in yoga pants and a vest top. He will say something like that colour really suits you or you look well today. I don't think he has ever criticised my clothes or appearance.

I am a woman. Therefore, when I get dressed, I have dressed like a woman.

How is he with other gender stereotypes?

His comment isn’t without thought though, he said what he thinks. Is the issue with him saying it or thinking it? Or, do you think that despite putting in the effort regularly, in his opinion, it still isn’t enough.

He doesn’t sound particularly emotionally intelligent, did he really not know that his comment wouldn’t offend you? Him being devastated after the fact isn’t really a consolation.

Well, that seed is well and truly down, isn't it?

You will be forever mindful of how you dress.

It is not for a man to control how I dress, however seemingly innocent the comment is.

What was the context of him saying it though? Was it critical, or a thoughtless throwaway comment? Was he kinda thinking out loud, or did something prompt him to say it?

I wouldn’t be too upset by it if I was happy and confident myself in how I looked, but it’s obviously bothered you. I think it’s nice to look nice and it’s kind in a relationship to sometimes dress well for your partner. On MN the majority would support a woman in trying to brush up her husbands appearance if he was only wearing scruffy or ragged or wildly uncoordinated clothing, but it’s seen as bad if a man makes any suggestion as to what he’d like his female partner to dress like/look like, even if it’s not a directive or a nasty insult.

I dress extremely well. I am never scruffy. I rarely wear dresses and never wear skirts. How am I not dressing as a woman?

Wow, thank you all for your words of advice! To answer a couple of questions/suggestions...

AnnieAnoniMouse and noego - I'm on the lookout for other signs that he may be abusive. My previous partner became massively controlling and very unpleasant, so I will certainly be keeping my eyes open, but at present I genuinely don't feel too worried. Thank you for your concern though, and I will stay aware.

Lifebegins50 - his parents have a good relationship and have been married for 21 years. He doesn't have a particularly close relationship with them however, moving out young. Romantically I seem to be his first long term girlfriend, something his friends have confirmed; he's generally shy and his hobbies don't lend themselves well to meeting women!

EBearhug - I can't think at the moment if there have been any signs he subscribes to other gender stereotypes. He does plenty of housework and cooking, I'm university educated and he isn't, I'm also a fair bit taller than him, none of which he's ever brought up in anything but a positive way. Not sure if that's quite what you're looking for but all I can think of just now!

SandyY2K - I can't say for sure but I suspect if I said the equivalent to him he would laugh it off! He's very secure in himself and likely wouldn't give it a second thought.

Thank you all for your input. I will be on the lookout for signs that this was more sinister than a poorly worded thought, but assuming it was a one off I'd like to move past it. I'll certainly be using much of your advice to do so, so thank you all.

Dress like a woman would get my hackles up too, but I am a grumpy middle aged woman who doesn't take kindly to being gender stereotyped.

Exactly, I tell my daughter to dress however she feels comfortable and I always do the same.

See - I wear a lot dresses all year round because I find them much more comfortable than tops and bottoms of whatever type. But I don't look more 'like a woman' in them than anything else I wear.

Some men do have quite stereotyped ideas of what women should look like.

It's not so much about jeans vs skirts - you can look very stereoptypically 'sexy' in jeans - skinnies, heels, skimpy top, make up, jewellery, or dress them down with trainers and a cardi.

Sorry, imho, this is a red flag. “Thoughtless” comments sometimes are not thoughtless at all. Claiming so is a minimization on your part as well as his.

It is easy for him to apologize if you notice the insulting dynamic, oops-got caught on that one. (And that was an insult, huge insult.) But then...ooops he did it again; oh and he did it again... there’s another one: so he perhaps is not that sorry after all or he would not do it again.

This is Death By Ten Thousand Cuts.

A year and a couple of months in...I’d say you are beginning to see the real him.

You can’t seem to get past it because that is your gut instinct giving you a heads up.

He wants you to perpetuate the pick me dance and you are feeling it as revealed by your comment that you feel he isn’t happy with the way you are.

The only response to that is : Jog on!

The 1950’s called they want your prize of a man back!

Because I can...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=TDVMnQGqIXU

Jeez we allow men to get away with all sorts with a 'he speaks before he thinks' or 'he didn't mean it the way it sounds' excuses. Do they use these excuses at work or are they expected to function as complete adults there?

Thank you all for your advice.

I don't think I've let him get away with it, per se; I told him that day he hurt me, and I will be raising the issue with him next time I see him, to let him know how unacceptable his comment was.

He's never been anything other than lovely thus far - while I am very aware that this may be the beginning of his true colours showing, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt, and after enlightening him as to why his comment was so inappropriate, I won't be taking any other action for now.

If any similar incidents take place, I won't hesitate to leave.

Thank you all again for your help, and for providing me with some clarity.

I don't believe the comment was intended to criticise me per se

I'm sorry but I have to disagree... but you've made a plan.. good luck OP

Can I just ask the OP and others here, what is wrong with a man finding a woman in a dress or skirt attractive? It is normal human nature! Men are hard-wired to find a feminine woman attractive. It is not a criticism, it is not a reason to leave him. I would be shocked to be quite honest, if a man didn't find a woman in a dress or skirt attractive. I would think that would be more cause for alarm.

It is NATURE for a man to find a woman in a skirt or dress attractive. It is TOTALLY NORMAL! Why are people on here acting like normal human heterosexual attraction is 'wrong', 'abusive', and reason to LTB? It's a world gone mad when human nature is now considered wrong. Wtf? I just can't..... If we all left our men who found a woman in a dress or skirt attractive and sensual, then I tell you what - none of us would be with a man.

I haven't owned a dress or skirt for 30 years. I have a loving husband and several children, they have no problem with my lack of 'womanly' attire, in fact I feel like a drag act in a frock.