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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If they had to, my parents couldn’t chose between whether they lost me/my sibling or each other.’

59 replies

Peppermint1qts · 15/10/2018 18:27

Comment came up at a recent family dinner, shorty after a funeral, where a great uncle said the love for a child is always beyond that of the love for a husband/wife if you were forced to chose.

It’s all quite silly and hypothetical and I’m an adult now so not going to be precious about it! I don’t have children. But I do think my parents are probably unusual in their view

What do you think?

OP posts:
WeeMadArthur · 15/10/2018 18:32

If we were in a dangerous situation as a family I think both DH and myself would protect DS before ourselves or each other, I think that’s a natural reaction for a parent. I would always put DSs survival before my own, I could never live with myself if I made a decision to save myself over him.

Original poster
Peppermint1qts · 15/10/2018 18:34

They meant they couldn’t decide between each other or us. Not that they would chose themselves.

OP posts:
allupsidedown · 15/10/2018 18:39

I'm fretting at the moment as I have a long term condition that is really making my life hell. I am having nightmares of something happening to me and me not being able to look after my children. Their welfare is upmost in my mind, even when I'm very sick or sore.

Notwhoyouthink35 · 15/10/2018 18:48

I would happily chop DH head off of it meant saving my children.

OnlyTheDepthVaries · 15/10/2018 18:52

I'd happily chop DH's head off even if the children were not at risk!

HollowTalk · 15/10/2018 18:56

I can't think why they would say that to their own child. It's not exactly an "interesting thing to talk about", is it?!

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/10/2018 19:02

I think they're unusual in their feelings, and somewhat lacking in empathy to not understand how that would make you feel. Parents would want each other to save the children, at the other's expense, if it came to that.

HollowTalk · 15/10/2018 19:06

Sorry, I didn't mean it's not interesting for us to discuss! It's more that your parents shouldn't think you will find it interesting if they are telling you things like that - you've every right to be shocked and upset.

Notacluewhatthisis · 15/10/2018 19:11

But hang on. You are a grown up with children of your own.

They are at a different stage of your life. So while, I would quite happily fears I would put my kids lives ahead of Dp. I don't how I will feel when the kids are older and Dp is the person I spend most of my time with, The person who I know would die for me etc.

I think I would still feel the same, but I don't know.

MeganNut · 15/10/2018 19:14

I think it shows that they have a very healthy relationship with each other and their adult children. It would be a different matter if you and your sibling were still little and dependent on the protection of your parents.

You're all adults now and it's nice that your parents love each other and their children equally.

NeverStopExploring · 15/10/2018 19:14

I think it’s all a bit pointless as you have no idea how you will react until a situation occurs. Wouldn’t waste a second thinking about it

Mintychoc1 · 15/10/2018 19:49

I think it’s abnormal to put anyone else before your children, in a life-and-death situation, what ever their ages

Catspyjamazzzz · 15/10/2018 19:51

My mother always told me she would choose our father over us. Says a lot about her as a parent.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/10/2018 19:54

Only Grin

I would save DS reflexively.

Most days....

SometimesMaybe · 15/10/2018 19:54

My children irritate me far more than my husband but I’d push him in front of a bus to save them. (And I’d expect him to do the same to me!)

Racecardriver · 15/10/2018 19:56

I think that is weird. I love my husband. He is the only man I have ever loved. I am happier with him than I have ever been. But I couldn't survive the death of my children. When/if my husband dies I will deal with it. I'll be decestated but I will deal with it. If my children died that would destroy me.

PookieDo · 15/10/2018 19:59

When people become more elderly and age it is more normal they would choose that option - the other option in their mind is being all alone with no spouse in their old age whilst their adult children have their own lives. That’s where I think their mindset would have been

Robin2323 · 15/10/2018 20:12

Kids always came slightly ahead when they were 'kids'
All grown up now so love them and dp the same.

Now I am happy to then spread their wings and fly while me and dp discover ourselves again

contrary13 · 15/10/2018 20:56

My daughter's 22, so an adult now - but I reflexively still shoot my arm out to protect her if I have to put the brakes on whilst driving suddenly (or if we're in the back seat and someone else does so whilst driving). I do the same for my 13 year old son. And a few weeks back, my oldest brother (who is 14 years my senior) did precisely that to me when my SIL had to suddenly brake - it was a very surreal moment, actually. As much as my children both annoy me at times (and they really do at times!), I would step in front of anything to keep them safe, without hesitation - and I can see myself doing/thinking/feeling exactly the same way even when they're 70 odd and I'm in my 90s. It's instinctive, and I hope that if ever they become parents, they'll feel the same way about their children's continued safety/survival as I do about theirs!

Having said that, I know for a fact that my Dad would choose my mother over me, and my mother would choose herself over all of us. Unfortunately, it is, what it is, but sadly it's not that unusual.

YouAreMyRain · 15/10/2018 21:20

Did they say that in front of each other or when they were some with you? Maybe they didn't want to hurt each other's feelings or start a row

junebirthdaygirl · 15/10/2018 22:00

I think when your children are young tyou have a primal instinct that causes you to care for them come what may but as they get older ye are all equals. I think there is great security to be had from parents who love each other so now you are older focus on that.

Believeitornot · 15/10/2018 22:04

My dcs would always come first in a life and death sitch if I had to chose between them and DH.

I would expect dh to say the same and would be pretty angry if he chose me 🤣

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/10/2018 22:07

I would kill DH if it meant saving my daughters. Unequivocally. He would do the same. That’s nature, it is (or should be) inate.

inkydinky · 15/10/2018 22:35

I remember my MIL saying you should save your partner over your children. Because you can always have more children Shock lovely woman.

Butterymuffin · 15/10/2018 22:38

I can't see any good coming of ever having these conversations.

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