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Original poster

If they had to, my parents couldn’t chose between whether they lost me/my sibling or each other.’

59 replies

Peppermint1qts · 15/10/2018 18:27

Comment came up at a recent family dinner, shorty after a funeral, where a great uncle said the love for a child is always beyond that of the love for a husband/wife if you were forced to chose.

It’s all quite silly and hypothetical and I’m an adult now so not going to be precious about it! I don’t have children. But I do think my parents are probably unusual in their view

What do you think?

OP posts:
BishyBarneyBee3 · 15/10/2018 22:38

My mother also told me she would choose my dad over me and my siblings Sad

BlackberryBeret · 15/10/2018 22:50

If the child is an adult, then actually it is rather lovely to find if difficult to choose. It means there is a strong true love between the partners that equals love for a child.

That is rather beautiful I think.

As a PP says, it is different if you are talking about young children but once your children are older/adults, you are really talking about selecting between adults you love.

There maybe rational reasons for choosing a child (if that child is a mother or father) for example with young children who would be bereaved - but if all things are equal, that is just true love for all.

How lovely.

TokenGinger · 15/10/2018 22:53

Surely this changes as you get older? When your kids are young and reliant on you, it’s them. When you’re grown up, kids of your own, and your elderly parents are each orher’s everything and every day, they’d choose each other.

I know my nana could live without her daughter or son, despite how much it would hurt, but she couldn’t live without my granddad.

MrsVietor · 15/10/2018 22:58

I guess people are different.

My friend freely admits that her DH comes before her kids; she'll say out loud that she loves him more.

DH and I have a plan if we were ever in some sort of terrible event, that he picks up the eldest and runs and I do the same with the youngest. I assume we'd both choose to save the kids without blinking.

glitterystuff · 16/10/2018 05:51

I don't think this is weird. It basically means they love each other and their children equally.

Also, I don't really think it's fair to expect someone to answer a question like that. I mean, personally will always put my children first (they're my favourite people in the world, besides just being my dependants), but I'm not sure I'd just blatantly say that in front of my husband (even if we do have problems at times).

It all just seems unnecessary to theoretically "choose" whose life is more important.

CupMug · 16/10/2018 08:34

I'd happily chop DH's head off even if the children were not at risk!

😂

I don't think it's that weird a thing to say or think if your kids are full adults. I love all my family. I think the intense protective 'mumma bear' thing calms down when your little darlings are 6'6 and fully capable independent adults. I don't love them any less but I probably don't feel that massive responsibility for them than I did when they were little kids. Iyswim.

Mari50 · 16/10/2018 11:38

Given the choice I’d always pick my DD over DP and I’d expect him to do the same. Interestingly my DM would happily throw me under a bus to save my DD, a fact which dd is also aware of and takes delight in reminding me occasionally.
I’m cool with it, I’m kinda old and worn out anyway.

MysweetAudrina · 16/10/2018 11:41

My fear is that I would save myself, perhaps even using one of the kids as a shield to do so. You never really know how you will react until a situation arises. It doesn't matter what you think you would do. Your survival instinct will kick in and take over and that could surprise you.

ThunderInMyHeart · 16/10/2018 11:47

My ex-husband, whilst still married, once said something I, at early 20s, though sooooo romantique: 'if there were a bus hurtling towards us, I'd save you over any kid we had...because I could make another child with you, but I couldn't substitute you'

Yeah. He turned out to have Aspergers.

I'd save my kid over others any day of the week.

selfishcrab · 16/10/2018 11:53

I too think it's an age thing, we are a blended family (of many,many years and all live together) and all equal.
I couldn't choose ( and hopefully never will have to) between DH, DS or DSS.
I love them all equally, DS and DSS are adults though.

Kit10 · 16/10/2018 11:58

I hate these conversations with a passion, it is never healthy to pit your love against each other. I refuse to do it, my love for my husband is different to my children but I won't put anyone on a pedestal. There's just no need for it I don't think. (I know it's all hypothetical but I don't think it's healthy).

GoodbyeSummer · 16/10/2018 12:04

It's difficult to say what I'd do tbh because I've never been in that situation. I've never actually had to save either myself, my children or anyone else. When things make me jump I kind of go into a panic, jump, squeal and run usually into a corner and then think about other people. This makes me think that a) I'd be terrible in a real emergency; b) I couldn't save even myself let alone anyone else and c) I'd probably only think of myself anyway BlushBlush

stellabird · 16/10/2018 12:08

I'd kill my DH in a minute to save my children - wouldn't have to think about it.

Daftasabroom · 16/10/2018 12:44

I've hidden all the sharps, just in case DW gets any ideas.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 16/10/2018 12:47

I'd find that really weird. To me, your kids are the ones you always love, even if you don't feel you like them very much. They came from you - how could you not?

Spouse? Nah. Much much weaker link, to me.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 16/10/2018 12:55

One of the issues my girlfriend had with her ex was that he wasn't just insistent that he'd save her over their kids without thinking, but he expected her find this a sign of his commitment and be flattered by it. It was so alien to her and she couldn't really accept it.

Their relationship councilor apparently said it wasn't that unusual.

Imadetherightchoice · 16/10/2018 13:36

Your children are your blood . Your husband is not .

Taylor22 · 16/10/2018 13:37

How often do you see your parents?

As an adult the death of their partner could destroy them, limit their social life, mobility etc But realistically if a child has little contact with their ageing parent that won't effect them on a day to day basis as much.

Kit10 · 16/10/2018 13:37

Imadetherightchoice

To play devil's advocate, adopted children? Step children? Not blood? Less of a priority to biological family members?

NorthernRunner · 16/10/2018 13:43

I haven’t had this conversation with DH but I imagine his response would be the same as mine, we would both put ourselves in the line of fire to protect our DD. That’s that.
However it’s exceptionally hypothetical and not something necessarily worth dwelling on.
Maybe their hesitantancy is because your an adult now and as they are aging they are relying very heavily on each other?

Roomba · 16/10/2018 14:03

My mother always told us that if we were all drowning, she'd jump in and save my Dad first! Her logic was that she had 'chosen' him, he was there before us and that he would be there for her long after we'd left home. Note that all of her children were planned, we didn't just appear by magic, so she 'chose' us too... Anyway, she never couple understabd why we'd weren't impressed with her answer. None of us get along well with her as adults, obviously for many other reasons too.

ChillUrBeans · 16/10/2018 14:07

To play devil's advocate, adopted children? Step children? Not blood? Less of a priority to biological family members? Yep I would save my DS, DSS and DSD before DH BUT I know for a fact that he would save me (although the are DS and DSD are adults and DSS nearly an adult. Actually FWIW I would also save my DN's - all 3 of them first before my DH because love them (and they are all adults) and I know Dsis would need me to.

DH's parents are both selfish people and have very little to do with DH or his DB - they split when he was 16 and both are only interested in themselves DFIL is actually the better of the 2. MIL is only ever concerned with herself and put her new husbands family first for years, now split with him after 20 years and moved in with new bloke within 2 months and is following similar pattern.

My mom would push me, Dsis and Dbro in front of a bus if it saved any of her DGC inc the SDGC. Her mom would only save herself.

Maybe it isn't just instinct but the way that your are with you parents or how their behavior has impacted on you.

ravenmum · 16/10/2018 14:14

Someone else having this discussion! There was another woman on a few weeks ago annoyed that her bf would save himself and not her.

Honestly, you must be incredibly bored if you start conversations designed to make people feel guilty.

TheVeryThing · 16/10/2018 14:15

I can completely understand why an older couple would feel like that. My parents love us enormously and put our needs first when we were younger.
However, they are in their seventies now, have spent their entire adult lives together and still hold hands & enjoy each other's company.
I don't know how they would answer the question but I wouldn't be hurt at either reply as I don't expect them to put me first forever.

ravenmum · 16/10/2018 14:22

On Mallorca last Tuesday, a mum was swept away in her car with her two children, in a flash flood. She managed to get her daughter out of the car, under water, and a passing tourist grabbed the child and rescued her. The woman was found dead, and the last thing I heard, her son's body had not been found. The little girl is 8. Her brother was 5.

In this sort of situation I would think you just do what you can. You don't choose. That woman didn't choose.

Does that help?