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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lying husband

90 replies

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 16:51

I'll keep it as brief as I can. Been with DH for years; marriage has always been up and down. We have kids, both work FT, stressful jobs. DH has new job. He loves it and has been working pretty much 7 days a week, whilst I deal with all the domestic stuff, the kids and working FT. New job involves occasional travel. Recently he went on a trip but did not mention that it was with colleagues, and so I assumed he was going alone. He called me when he was away and still didn't mention any colleagues but he did make a point of saying that he had forgotten his travel adapter plug. At the time I advised him to ask hotel staff or go try to buy one. Today I saw a hotel room receipt for a twin bedded room and I asked him if he was with a colleague and he then told me he was with a female and a male colleague but that he did not share his hotel room. He was prickly in his tone. In terms of the plug adapter thing why ask hotel staff when you could just ask your colleagues? I probably sound paranoid and, in fairness to him, in the early days of our relationship I definitely had my moments of being jealous. However, there is a flip side to this too there was an incident some years ago in which he went on a business trip and ended up totally unnecessarily sharing a hotel room with a female colleague and he lied to me about it. I forgave him at the time but have never forgotten and, quite honestly, I don't 100% trust him. Anyway I know that there was no male colleague on this trip. It's possible that he as lied because he's trying to avoid upsetting me or the like. I accept that his job will involve travel with female colleagues but quite honestly I feel really disrespected by him.

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 15/10/2018 16:54

Is it normal to expect make and female colleagues to share a room? This has never been the case in any place I've worked

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 16:56

It is unacceptable in my view. And his. But he says they did not share a room.

OP posts:
mogratpineapple · 15/10/2018 16:57

In most cases it's not appropriate to share the same toilet. Can't see it being ok to share a room. Just no

HereIgoagainxx · 15/10/2018 16:59

Doubles and twin rooms are usually the same price. If he was going to cheat he wouldn't book a twin, he'd book a double.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 17:01

I don't think I made myself very clear, apologies. He has denied sharing a hotel room with anybody. What I do know that he has lied about is that there was a male colleague on said trip when actually it was just him and another female colleague. I think it is possible that he is claiming the male colleague was there because he doesn't me to feel threatened but actually I feel really pee'd off by the lying.

OP posts:
Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 17:03

No, i'm not actually thinking along the lines of cheating. It's the fact that he has lied about there being a male colleague when it was just him and the female colleague.

OP posts:
mogratpineapple · 15/10/2018 17:07

Lying for an easy life. Yeah, don't they all do that

LemonTT · 15/10/2018 17:11

It’s pretty standard to be in a hotel room that meant for double occupancy as a single person. Most hotels charge by the room and don’t have single rooms. If expensing it, I would be in a nice comfy double. As would DP who has Facetimed from a 4 poster.

I wouldn’t share my adapter, I bearly get by with one. I need it for charging, hair and laptop. If he was sharing he would had access to his colleague’s adapter.

Business trips involve colleagues, I would probably mention them but might not if it was a regular thing.

The issue is the historic incident. How on earth did he end up in a room with a female colleague? You are still suspicious so either confront it or accept it.

Why do you think he is lying about a male colleague being there.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 17:21

Historic incident -- his excuse was that the hotel made an error and there were 2 room bookings instead of 3. However, there were 2 male colleagues and one female. He claimed the other male colleague refused to share, leaving him and the female colleague no choice but to share. In hindsight wtf was i thinking in letting that slide, but he stuck to his side of the story. And I accepted it at that time.

The reason I know there was no male colleague -- we have a shared device in our home and an email popped up from admin confirming flight bookings for him and female colleague. I was not snooping then btw. But I have since snooped. She has an open social media profile and she has posted pics of her and my husband on this trip hanging out together. No third colleague.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 15/10/2018 17:25

He is lying about the male colleague because of what happened before. The twin room doesn't mean he shared it. Hotels rarely have singles.. it's doubles twins etc. It's expected that single occupancy would have a double or twin. Most likely the female colleague had her own twin room.
I don't know the nature of the job but it's normal for a workplace to send more than one person on a trip. So they decided to choose him and this female. I don't think it's an issue at all. But it does sound like you have trust issues with your husband

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 17:30

Absolutely appreciate what you are saying re rooms etc. And male and female colleagues traveling together too. I genuinely accept that. It's that fact that he is lying about it and that undermines me. Especially after what happened in the past. There will be lots more trips and close working with female colleagues and he knows and I know that this is the case. So he shouldn't be feeling the need to lie. If I try to talk to him about this he gets angry and defensive and I feel like I can't even ask him about his trip and the things he did/saw.

OP posts:
Russell19 · 15/10/2018 17:33

Hello,

What does the no adapter plug have to do with it? I feel as though he was maybe setting you up for not being able to talk go you on the phone? Or did he actually forget it? I feel something more is going on. If my husband goes away with work he always tells me who is going and would do this even if it was a female. If it's innocent, nothing to hide. He's made it worse for himself.... I don't mean to sound negative but if I was you I'd suspect more going on.

On the other hand, as pp said, twin room means nothing. Most hotels put single people in twin rooms as it is not worth it for a hotel to have single rooms.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 17:51

The reason I mentioned the adapter plug is because at the time I thought it odd -- he made a point of saying it as though letting me know and he also made a point of saying casually when he came back that there was a buffet thing but that he was in his hotel room early. I dunno. I am possibly being paranoid. But he has definitely lied about there being a colleague there. I am most annoyed about the lying.

OP posts:
Howdoyoudoit31 · 15/10/2018 19:10

So he didn’t actually cheat with a female colleague years ago? He just shared he room as there was a mess up.
He could or been lying or telling the truth but if he was telling the truth and got a lot of hassle for it then I’m not surprised he lied this time to stop any moaning.

HollowTalk · 15/10/2018 19:23

Oh come on, who shares a room with a female colleague? And what kind of hotel messes up a booking for three people, thinking it was for two? It's all automated! And if - just if - this did happen, they would've booked one of them into another hotel nearby. There's no way a hotel would want to lose company business by forcing a mixed couple to share a room.

He's a liar, OP. You can't trust him at all.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 19:27

I don’t know if he cheated years ago. He lied about it at the time though. Claimed he’d shared the room with his male colleague but hadn’t. Then claimed the male colleague refused to share with him so he had no choice but to share with the female colleague. Inappropriate. He said so himself.

And the ‘moaning’ comment... i’m not sure what you’re trying to get at with that other than to minimise/belittle what I’m upset about... the fact that he has lied again, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
Calmingvibrations · 15/10/2018 19:33

I would be feeling out of sorts if I felt OH had lied. Absolutely. But it would come off the back of me also feeling v v fed up that he was working 7 days a week and therefore leaving more of the drudge to me.
That would also be a massive issue.

Calmingvibrations · 15/10/2018 19:34

And yes I would feel really upset if he shared with a female colleague. There is no way I would share with a male one.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 19:36

Yeah. And then seeing pics of him sightseeing in a beautiful city with another woman wasn’t great. But I have to suck that up and accept it. I can’t expect him to sit indoors. If he made any effort with me that wouldn’t be so bad.

But the lying, I feel like we aren’t equals. He’ll deny everything too. There’s little point even trying to discuss this with him. Ugh.

OP posts:
muchalover · 15/10/2018 19:39

I'm not sure many women would share a room with a man they barely know tbh. The risk to personal safety is massive.

Lying is lying. He lied then and he lied now.

As for being excited about his new job, why is OK for him to just expect you to cover 7 days a week like you are some sort of robot? Aren't you a team? You are doing a triple shift and he is off playing the excited newbie.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 15/10/2018 19:42

You really never know where you are with a liar! The constant having to question what's truth and what's fiction is exhausting.

I'm not surprised you are pissed off op . You are left with a full time job and running the house and kids , whilst he is only concentrating on work and skimming the truth .

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 19:42

To be fair we just got a cleaner to even the playing field because resentment has been building. It’s made a big diff. Not gonna lie though, I’ve been feeling pretty fucking lonely. Like the boring grumpy predictable mom at home whilst he’s off doing all this exciting stuff. Partly why I think he may have lied. Like I said before though he makes very little effort with me.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 15/10/2018 20:29

hmm its a complicated one!
At best there was a mix up a few years ago, that lead to you rightly having suspicions about what he was up to agreeing to share a room with a woman. Hell i'm surprised HR aren't still trying to work that one out !!! Now he seems to have acquired a fictitious male chaperone. But as others are saying he could be just trying to stop you fretting /hassling him with that one.

Rationally, I can't see how or why he would have been able to book one room for him and a colleague all the years ago. If he was having an affair they would have gone for 2 rooms so as not to raise suspicions at home or at work. So, although it was utterly weird, it could just have been that. Still I can see why you have doubts and so should he. That's a going out of your way to prove the truth situation for him.

As to the email about the booked flights, the third colleague could have travelled separately. That happens a lot

But look you need to have it out with him, perhaps in a safe environment. Leaving aside adapters, there is enough for him to explain, including her pictures of them galavanting around some exotic location (even if it was just Skegness).

Mine has done long trips abroad and done the weekend trips and dinners out. But he at least has the decency to make near daily duty calls to show how miserable he is in the 5 star hotel. To be fair he actually is miserable when is away like this whilst I get annoyed having to take calls at strange times when I am at the gym or in a class.

So maybe find some "you time" whilst he is off like this, even if it involves paying for child care. clubs. You can't be expected to work FT and then do all the weekend parenting. Is there a good family leisure club near you that you can use at the weekend. A friend of mine in your position does just that.

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 20:42

Thank you all for your replies. I do think he probably lied to protect me/him. He’s gone to a bit of trouble to conceal their sightseeing - the pics are showing on her social media and he has been tagged but it’s not showing on his social media, iykwim. I feel like I’ve snooped by looking at her social media. Well I have snooped and I feel a bit awkward about that. Not sure I want him knowing... it’ll feed right back into his rationale for lying...

There are more trips booked. I want him to feel able to talk openly about them.

The idea about doing my own thing when he’s away is good. I have mate dates planned :)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/10/2018 20:46

Honestly op, WTAF? I know of no company that makes men and women share a room on a business trip.

How could you even start to believe that? You must know?

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