Lying husband

[Minionmomma]

I'll keep it as brief as I can. Been with DH for years; marriage has always been up and down. We have kids, both work FT, stressful jobs. DH has new job. He loves it and has been working pretty much 7 days a week, whilst I deal with all the domestic stuff, the kids and working FT. New job involves occasional travel. Recently he went on a trip but did not mention that it was with colleagues, and so I assumed he was going alone. He called me when he was away and still didn't mention any colleagues but he did make a point of saying that he had forgotten his travel adapter plug. At the time I advised him to ask hotel staff or go try to buy one. Today I saw a hotel room receipt for a twin bedded room and I asked him if he was with a colleague and he then told me he was with a female and a male colleague but that he did not share his hotel room. He was prickly in his tone. In terms of the plug adapter thing why ask hotel staff when you could just ask your colleagues? I probably sound paranoid and, in fairness to him, in the early days of our relationship I definitely had my moments of being jealous. However, there is a flip side to this too there was an incident some years ago in which he went on a business trip and ended up totally unnecessarily sharing a hotel room with a female colleague and he lied to me about it. I forgave him at the time but have never forgotten and, quite honestly, I don't 100% trust him. Anyway I know that there was no male colleague on this trip. It's possible that he as lied because he's trying to avoid upsetting me or the like. I accept that his job will involve travel with female colleagues but quite honestly I feel really disrespected by him.

I travel with people all the time, male and female. But have never shared a room with either sex, not uploaded pictures of us both on social media.
I find that but strange, unless they are very good friends. No way would I with ‘just a colleague’

Have to say there was nothing untoward in the pics. There was just one of them together in said location, a foodie pic, magnificent view from the hotel room, statues etc. None with the alleged other male colleague. In all honesty I am completely willing to suck it up and accept the sightseeing, meals and what not. But his unwillingness to communicate with me about the whole thing has now manifested into something else entirely and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this week. There are so many things about the dynamics of our marriage that I’ve been turning a blind eye to. My stomach has been in knots.

I just can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this.

Also I’ve no evidence they shared a room. When I pointed out it was a twin room in the receipt he said his room was a double and that he had no ideas where his colleague’s rooms were in the hotel.

My company would ne er expect anyone to share a hotel room. The room booking/re eipt usually says how many occupants

Just because they had 2 formal room booking doesn’t mean they didn’t have sex.
Sightseeing and selfies means a bit more that standard colleagues to me

OP

If he won't talk to you can you put it down in writing (email, letter or text). He can read it and then respond. Him being a perfect house husband, for a few days. won't resolve your trust issues. Which are brought about by his behaviour.

If you do, please focus on the big things rather than plugs and twin rooms. They are a distraction. The key issues seem to be:

• That he shared a room with a woman a number of years ago in dubious circumstances which he failed to properly or credibly explain. Be clear no reasonable person could believe the story he told. This laid the foundation for you current lack of trust /concern.
• That you believe he has lied about the recent trip as there is evidence of a male colleague being there (photos and airline receipt).
• That rather than explain this he is once again deflecting and avoiding the issue rather than providing a credible or truthful explanation.
• Because of this you have lost (are losing ) trust in him and are questioning the relationship. (if this is the case and I think you are saying it is; but if not leave out)

Then say what you want from him. Personally i would suggest you go for facilitated counselling if he is going to be avoiding you in the way he has and getting away with it. I think you too are reluctant to face up to the situation and may be letting him slip away. But think how you will feel on his next trip. Don't apologise or back track on not trusting him, if that it what you feel. Own it and stand by it, he is giving you cause to feel that way and refusing to allay your concerns.

Hope this helps

Whether there is more to it or not is kind of a red herring at this stage. He is displaying a complete lack or respect / concerts for you by his behaviour and refusal to discuss things. That for me would be him drawing a clear line in the sand and I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him, but then i cannot abide liars. Not saying this is right but personally I'd view the behaviour this week as a betrayal and he'd need to do a hell of a lot to pull things back. Hope you're ok op.

*concern not bloody concerts!

He's bang out of order.
There was an incident years ago, so why repeat it?!!!! Utter madness.

That's one thing but to refuse to discuss it properly now is dreadful!
Alarm bells would be ringing for me too

Thank you everyone for your advice. The thing is, he’s not going to talk about it. And I’m certainly not going to be chasing him for any explanation. I already did that and I should t have had to. He’s made himself very clear and I genuinely think he thinks we can just brush it under the carpet. Consequently my only options really are to brush it all under the carpet too (no chance), emotionally disengage and plod on for the sake of the kids and having a nice house, holidays and hope that he has some sort of epiphany, or I tell him I’m done. This is not an isolated example of his disregard for me. My head is all over the place. I’ve not really slept properly. Seriously though, thank you all. Xx

13 years ago my H was sharing rooms on tour with a girl who worked for us (music industry) it’s common for room sharing on tour to save costs and I knew about it and accepted that was the case. Roll forward 11 years and I found songs and poems he had written about this girl and whom he clearly had an infatuation with at the time. For me the fact I knew he was sharing rooms with someone he had a thing about ( he says she didn’t know) is as hard a thing to get over as the longing songs, no matter how long ago it was. I certainly am not nearly as ‘cool’ or trusting these days although we are still married. If he isn’t lying he would say give ‘xyz’ a call just to confirm if it eases your mind and he would understand why you feel as you do. I think he is lying because he knows he’s been caught out. It’s likrly nothing is going on and he lied because he knew you wouldn’t approve but is now making things worse I’m afraid.

Bloody hell @yetmorecrap that must have been so hurtful. I hope you have managed to reconcile it in your mind given that you’re still married... Can’t have been easy.

He sounds horrible and you sound unhappy, unless your going to both put some serious work into your marriage I would leave

I’m terrified. I don’t even know where to begin. The thought of the split - house, finances, children, pets, belongings.... there’s so much to lose but also the possibility of a more peaceful me. I carry so much resentment towards him. He always comments on how angry I am.

What I find incredibly odd is the total lack of communication. Don't you talk to each other?
Both me and DH work away occasionally and when we do we each know, in detail, where the trip is, hotel details, who is going etc. It's part of our normal day to day conversation.

The lying thing is suspicious though. I wouldn't be happy in the slightest.

Whatever decision you make Minionmamma,will be difficult. At least you have taken off the blinkers and realise there are problems.

Have you thought about or considered some counselling for yourself to help you cope with the decision. Either way your go, things will be difficult, best not to be angry in life. Its a power emotion too few of us can handle. BTW you don't come across as angry. Confused and upset but measured and not raging angry (as frequently seen this forum).

You will be ok whatever you do.

This is what I mean when I mentioned the odd dynamics between us... we do very small talk and chat about our girls. Then he cracks on with work. Every night apart from Friday and Saturday but even then his laptops on his lap. I get a sense that I bore him. He’s an intellectual and I’m not. I think it’s game over.

Life is too short to live like that.... believe me I've been there.

This sounds awful and reminds me of my STBXH. Very very similar. And the more you write the more I am thinking OW. It's all the small things that add up to a big picture...but overall it screams a total lack of respect for you.
If I were you I would do 2 things. 1. seek counselling to go through your emotions and become clear on how you want to proceed and 2. get your ducks in a row- get all financial information together and have an initial chat with a divorce lawyer so you know where you stand.
Good luck OP. This is a truly shit situation. On the upside, it can only get better.

I can understand why you're focusing on the sleeping arrangements of his trip, but even if that wasn't happening I don't think you have a very fair arrangement.

We have kids, both work FT, stressful jobs. DH has new job. He loves it and has been working pretty much 7 days a week, whilst I deal with all the domestic stuff, the kids and working FT.

You both have stressful FT jobs. Unless there's some reason why his new job makes time much more important than yours, he doesn't get to shove all of his chores off onto you. That suggests a disrespect for you, and that doesn't see you as an equal partner in the relationship - he sees his needs / wants as more important than yours.

Yes it was very hurtful and I am still on the fence about it all, like your H he would def lie if it was something he thought I wouldn’t like. Like you though their are other things that add up to an overall pic. He needs to discuss though however awkward it was , this sweeping under the carpet thing creates a weird vibe, believe me and oh I know about the brown nosing too, that happens in my case when going down the secretive porn route. Doesnt know how I know and then is keen to buy me stuff. I would act normal OP, carry on and keep a big discrete eye on stuff

suggest you start to invest time in you. Exercise or keep exercising if you already do. Try and get a regular evening to yourself...with a hobby...or a gym class or seeing friends and family.

Treat yourself to massages...beauty treatments...the odd weekend spa retreat away, while he stays with the kids.....basically things to make you feel good about yourself. Remember you're mum than a wife and a mum.
Don't rely on him for your happiness.

Consequently my only options really are to brush it all under the carpet too (no chance), emotionally disengage and plod on for the sake of the kids and having a nice house, holidays and hope that he has some sort of epiphany, or I tell him I’m done

Options (1) and (2) amount to the same thing, surely?

You have 2 choices, realistically.

(1) live a lie

(2) find your self respect and end this farce

That's it, really.

It’s me again. Hiiii.

So my situation has not improved. My OH still has not spoken to me about why he led me to believe he travelled alone then lied about there being a guy in the trip. And gaslighted me when lying by saying he felt interrogated by me and that I ‘have a history’ of this behaviour.

It’s now almost 2 weeks since he got back from his trip and 2 weeks of increasing distance between us.
I’ve felt that I’ve had to emotionally distance myself because I cannot stand for this. I started to doubt myself and ended up checking his phone and there is literally no trace of any texts/calls/emails between him and this colleague during the trip. There was definitely no third colleague and I have this growing suspicion that it’s more than him just minimising or skimming the truth about travelling with a female colleague.

This weekend I plan to open a discussion with him about formally separating.

I’m in complete shock that I’m planning to do this but I don’t feel there’s any other option. Am I being over the top?

No, you aren't. Like nearly all the posters to your thread, and millions of people everywhere, I recognise the relationship you're describing. It's exhausting, soul-destroying and undermines your confidence no end. Our partners are supposed to enhance our lives, not be a semi-detached source of chores & emotional stress.

It really sounds as if he doesn't like you very much - or, if not that exactly, that he's forgotten who you are (and, worse, doesn't care!) Horrid for you. I admire your patience & goodwill so far.

It will be interesting to see how he responds to your announcement. One thing to watch out for: the brown-nosing you describe is described by abuse counsellors as 'hoovering'. It's part of the cycle of abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be fisticuffs & locked doors, it can be emotional - stonewalling, gaslighting, belittling & dismissing - which he is doing to you and has been for a long time. You can google these terms if you aren't familiar.

I'm not yelling 'Abuse! Get out now!' You aren't in any urgent danger. This is low-level abuse of the sort that wears a person down. Doesn't provide a great role model for your kids' future partnerships, either. But my point was that the threat of relationship breakdown tends to bring two predictable reactions: hoovering and escalation. It'll be helpful for you to be prepared either way, and also to know the one will likely be followed by the other.

Wishing you the very best for what may be a taxing weekend. Please do keep good friends around you, positive support will be a big help.