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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lying husband

90 replies

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 16:51

I'll keep it as brief as I can. Been with DH for years; marriage has always been up and down. We have kids, both work FT, stressful jobs. DH has new job. He loves it and has been working pretty much 7 days a week, whilst I deal with all the domestic stuff, the kids and working FT. New job involves occasional travel. Recently he went on a trip but did not mention that it was with colleagues, and so I assumed he was going alone. He called me when he was away and still didn't mention any colleagues but he did make a point of saying that he had forgotten his travel adapter plug. At the time I advised him to ask hotel staff or go try to buy one. Today I saw a hotel room receipt for a twin bedded room and I asked him if he was with a colleague and he then told me he was with a female and a male colleague but that he did not share his hotel room. He was prickly in his tone. In terms of the plug adapter thing why ask hotel staff when you could just ask your colleagues? I probably sound paranoid and, in fairness to him, in the early days of our relationship I definitely had my moments of being jealous. However, there is a flip side to this too there was an incident some years ago in which he went on a business trip and ended up totally unnecessarily sharing a hotel room with a female colleague and he lied to me about it. I forgave him at the time but have never forgotten and, quite honestly, I don't 100% trust him. Anyway I know that there was no male colleague on this trip. It's possible that he as lied because he's trying to avoid upsetting me or the like. I accept that his job will involve travel with female colleagues but quite honestly I feel really disrespected by him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Minionmomma · 15/10/2018 20:51

He said there was no sharing of rooms on this trip. I’d only asked because he’d kind of led me to think he was travelling alone and then I saw a receipt for a twin room and I took the opportunity to ask if there’d been a colleague with him in the room. He said no. I then asked if he’d travelled with others and that’s when he said there were 2 others , a man and a woman. Only i’d previously seen a flight booking email for DH and female colleague only. Plus there are pics on social media of just the 2 of them (her social media not DH).

OP posts:

FelicisWolf · 15/10/2018 21:03

I've just recently started a new job and DH has been a little jealous that I'm the only woman in the workplace. There have been a couple of times when I've gone for lunch with one/will be staying overnight in a hotel with them for a work function that I knew would completely unnecessarily cause raised eyebrows. But I've been completely honest about everything as if I lie just to make life easier, it will seem as though I have something to hide. I'm hoping he will get over it (very new job), and there have been times when in all honesty it would have been easier just to lie, but then what would he think if he found out? Maybe your DH thought it would be easier to pretend it was just him on this work do if you'd got jealous in the past, but more fool him. If I were in your position I would be angry and upset over the lying too, hence why I would never do it

Kennycalmit · 15/10/2018 21:03

So many things wrong with all your posts, OP.

Is he aware that you know he lied about who went on the trip? If so, why is he the one getting angry when it’s brought up? He’s the one who’s lied, it should be you getting angry at him not the other way round!

Also, you don’t “have to put up with it” in regards to him going away with a female colleague and sight seeing etc. The fact he’s hidden all proof of this shows that there’s something to hide - I’m NOT saying he’s cheated in fact I don’t think he has - but the fact he feels he needs to lie and hide all evidence speaks volumes.

Given the history I think it’s fair for you to voice your opinion. Why should you have to put up with him going away and having a great time AFTER he’s lied to you, whilst you’re at home juggling everything else?

I’m sure he will try and make it seem like your the negative one spoiling everything. But he’s acted like an absolute arse. And I’m sorry, he can’t be that sorry about what happened in the past if he’s continuing to lie about things now

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 16/10/2018 05:32

I’m in a career that involves loads of hotel travel and so is DH. My gut feeling is that he lied because of previous incident, and that previous cock-up could be genuine.
You book doubles if you are going to cheat, and business colleagues planning on sleeping together book 2 doubles so they can each claim a room on expenses (and not arouse suspicion at work).
Sightseeing is normal and spending time with colleagues on trips having dinner and suchlike is normal.
To be honest, the risks of cheating are there in these types of jobs, as opportunities abound. But nothing about adaptor or twin room sound odd in this instance.
I’d be more pissed off with the lack of engagement at home tbh

Original poster

Minionmomma · 16/10/2018 06:57

The adapter thing is odd because at this stage he’d not mentioned the colleagues and we had a conversation about how he could get his hands on an adapter in a foreign country in a short space of time. I made various suggestions but the obvious thing to do is ask one of your colleagues... this just feeds into his not being own with me. Like the photos on social media too.

In my heart of hearts I don’t think he’s cheated. And I don’t think he’s being sneaky as such. He’s omitting facts and giving me snippets of truth and that’s really niggled me.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 16/10/2018 07:11

I think I agree as to why he lied. I’d really really want to confront, I hate lying, but instead I think the better plan is to say how dull you feel left st home and he is saving all his positive energy for work and none for me who is taking care of his life and children. How can he make you feel loved?

Original poster

Minionmomma · 16/10/2018 07:48

This is a big part of the issue. He doesn’t seem to try. And yet he’ll expect sex and I struggle with this because I don’t feel connected to him. Actually I feel resentful and angry a lot of the time and he’ll often comment on this. Which makes me more angry and then I find myself trying to distance myself from him emotionally to protect myself. All sounds a real mess doesn’t it xx

OP posts:

slapbitchface · 16/10/2018 07:55

I think he's lied because he knows you will react like this. Twin room means nothing I always have a twin or double when I go on a work trip and if they were having an affair wouldn't they go for a double? The sharing thing before seems suspicious though my work would absolutely not allow a male and female colleague to share in this circumstance and what man would refuse to share and leave a male and female to share a room. That doesn't sound realistic to me

SandyY2K · 16/10/2018 08:15

I'm sorry but I really don't believe that first story of his regarding the room sharing. It l all sounds far too convenient I think something more went on.

I'd certainly be thinking that was my situation.

Then he's lied about there being a male colleague on this trip as well.

They're away on business and I don't see the need for photos or sightseeing. I wouldnt be taking pics with my male colleague whilst sightseeing...It's not a holiday.

slapbitchface · 16/10/2018 08:21

Sandy if I go somewhere I try and fit in sightseeing with either male or female colleagues I don't think that's suspicious. I agree about the first trip though. Was it the same woman?

Original poster

Minionmomma · 16/10/2018 08:24

I agree re the first trip - total BS excuses and I shouldn’t have accepted his account but I did and that was before we had kids, some years back. But it set a precedent and we both agreed it was totally inappropriate. And now this.

The sightseeing pics are annoying, but I have got to find a way to accept these. Her social media suggests she’s the type to upload lots of pics. He’s really not. In fact I deleted him off my social media ages ago now because he refused to have any pics of us on there. There are a few pics of our kids but none of me and, as silly as that may seem, it hurts. And so I deleted him. So childish really 😂 but I feel like I’m this dull person kept at home whilst he has this other life. I seriously need to find a positive perspective on this matter. It’s eating me up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Minionmomma · 16/10/2018 08:27

No different job, different woman.

Basically I am dealing with a very selfish man. He doesn’t realise he is selfish. He’s very arrogant. However he is my husband and the father of my children and I want this to work but I feel as though I’ve become lost in all of this and i’m getting bored and resentful.

OP posts:

SugarCoatIt · 16/10/2018 08:48

No wonder you're bored and resentful OP.

I think it's a disgrace he didn't want pictures of you both on his social media, and given all the history, none of this can be doing anything for your self esteem.

Take good care of yourself, he will always be the Father of your children but that doesn't mean you have to put up with things, or be in a situation that you're not happy with.

Take good care of, and be kind to, yourself.

SandyY2K · 16/10/2018 09:09

he refused to have any pics of us on there. There are a few pics of our kids but none of me

Is he ashamed of you or something? Or doesvt he want people to know he's married.

When MY DH did something I didn't like concerning another woman (his ex) ... I told him that his refusal to do what I was requesting (No contact for a valid reason) was not something I was happy about ...but of he thought it was okay...then I'd reconnect with my Ex BFs too.

He wasn't okay with that.

I told him I couldn't force him to do what I wanted ...but equally I could then do what I wanted in response. That could include detaching myself from him emotionally.

pudding21 · 16/10/2018 09:29

OP: I travel with work, sometimes alojne with male and female colleagues, sometimes just male colleagues. Never had to share a room, quite often get a twin room instead of a double (just how it is booked sometimes). I have also often forgotten my travel adapters and usually go to the hotel reception, not ask a colleague.

He has 2 potnetial reasons for lying.

He likes female colleague, something or nothing happened.
He has invented male colleague because he knows how you would react based on previous incident and it is innocent.

I used to glase over facts to my ex because he was so paranoid about my traveling with men to give him all the information sometimes was just not worth it as he would twist everything and I would FEEL guilty even though nothing ever happened.

Original poster

Minionmomma · 20/10/2018 23:55

Hi guys, I don’t want to drone on but following on from earlier this week I’ve found myself in such an odd scenario and I can’t seem to get my head around things.

Midweek I eventually approached my husband and asked him why he’d not been upfront about travelling with colleagues. He insisted there was a male colleague there and became defensive and flustered when I told him i didn’t believe there was a male colleague there. I was open about seeing the pics on female colleagues social media profile and I asked where male colleague was when those pics were taken and he basically refused to continue the conversation and said he felt interrogated. I pointed out that it is perfectly ok for him to sightsee and have meals with a female colleague but that I don’t expect him to conceal this fact nor lie about there being a guy there too. He was angry and left for work basicslly refusing to discuss further. I kept my distance that evening but I knew he felt guilty because that night he made lunches, loaded the dishwasher and the next day made our bed. He rarely does these things. He’s basically been a bit brown nosey since our convo. Thursday night I said we needed to talk. We were in bed and lights were out. He refused saying it was too late. His tone was hostile. I then said we should talk the following evening - last night. Come last night, our kids were in bed and we were alone. He sat down and put the tv on. I mentioned our chat and he said ok after I’ve finished eating. 1.5 hours later I was still sat there waiting but he had no intention of talking so I quietly left the room and went to bed. Today I’ve gone out with our kids and kept my distance. I’m being off-ish with him and I can’t help it. Why should it have been me making the effort to resolve this in the first place? He’s continuing to make an effort around the house which he does not usually do. It’s clear he has no intention of discussing this issue but I’m beginning to get paranoid. All he needs to do is admit he lied about the girl because he thought I’d have a problem with just him and female colleague going away but he clearly won’t be doing that... i’m Now worrying if something has gone on. WWYD?

OP posts:

findingmywaytoday · 21/10/2018 00:13

Sounds like he is trying to avoid an awkward conversation as deep down he knows he is in the wrong. The fact that he knows you know he has lied and he is persisting is really unacceptable.

Original poster

Minionmomma · 21/10/2018 00:19

Exactly. This could do easily be resolved though. I don’t think it is that big of a deal in the scheme of things. The fact that he’s making an effort but avoiding the convo is weirding me out though. I’ve got this niggling thought that somethibgvis amiss

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 00:20

He lied. Something may have happened...or maybe not, but he's been caught out and is avoiding having to face it.

SandyY2K · 21/10/2018 00:27

WWYD? As you can't force him to talk...I'll say what I've said to my H in the past.

"I can't make you do X, but when I do the same you can't complain and if it's okay for you, then it's okay for me"

I also said his actions would cause me to emotionally detach from him. I didnt threaten divorce...but said I wouldn't be quite as invested in the marriage.

He dragged his feet for longer than I was happy with..then complied .

Original poster

Minionmomma · 21/10/2018 00:32

That’s what I’m doing. I’m emotionally detaching. But I’m worried that i’m starting to over analyse the whole thing. Little things - longer working hours, always online, new (but crap) indies, more self absorbed, day after his trip he kicked the bathroom door when showering and we never do this. See, paranoid now 😭

OP posts:

LemonTT · 21/10/2018 00:32

I think you have offered him the opportunity to explain himself. All the way through this you have had the ability to make up you own mind. You don’t have to present a case that meets whatever his standard of proof might be, just yours. You are entitled to make up your own mind based on what you know.

Yes, giving him the opportunity to explain was the right thing. But he has huffed and puffed, gotten defensive and is now avoiding you by running away. He had the chance to explain things. He hasn’t done that. He needs to prove he didn’t do anything wrong.

Go to bed tonight and just tell him what you believe. That he lied years ago and he is lying now. Leave it with him. If he huffs again and goes to sleep on the sofa, let him.

This is his responsibility to sort out. Tell him things are not sorted for you.

Original poster

Minionmomma · 21/10/2018 00:33

Locked not kicked 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Minionmomma · 21/10/2018 00:34

Undies not indies ffs

OP posts:

Alexandra2018 · 21/10/2018 00:40

I'd be furious they have shared a room and she's posting online! Maybe ibu but I'd fucking lose it

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