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Original poster

Would you say no?

80 replies

Dhapeer · 13/10/2018 12:42

Not interested in happily marrieds responses.

If you're single and you saw a guy for a few months and he ended it and now wants to resume it on a shag only basis, would you?

If you really really liked him? Or would you say no entirely. He's moving to Australia after Christmas, but it would always have been a shag only basis.

Am I insane to consider this? The sex is worth it, but what am I signing up for?

OP posts:
snifflesnifflesnore · 13/10/2018 15:08

Nope. Don't do it.

Also can you tell us his name so I can alert the Aussie ladies to stay away from WannabeAussieBoy

ChippyPickledEggs · 13/10/2018 15:10

Comparing a woman having sex with a man who has no feelings for her to a prostitute is deeply misogynistic.

Prostituted women do not want to have sex with their clients. Otherwise they would do so for free. They have to be coerced with money. The OP (and anyone else with a FWB arrangment) does want to have sex. The sex is hot, the man is nice, she wants him.

The issue here is that the OP wants more than the man is offering.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 13/10/2018 15:14

Q

ChippyPickledEggs · 13/10/2018 15:14

The point is that women like sex as men like sex. It is not something women give reluctantly in exchange for love. Sex does not equal chips to cash in. If a woman has sex she enjoys with a man who has no feelings for her, she is still having enjoyable sex.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 13/10/2018 16:19

Not quite the sucker punch of a broken heart but needed.

I didn't want to hurt you with my post -- I just wanted to make you realise what a terrible offer he was making.

RandomMess · 13/10/2018 16:28

If you were over him/not wanting a relationship with him it would be fine. In this circumstances it would just erode your self esteem and hurt you.

Siun · 13/10/2018 16:34

Im single and i have been in these shoes repeatedly in many guises. So i say no. But it is only now that it might be too late for me (48) that i get it. No grey areas. No half time down time part time some time. It grinds u down this stuff. So i advise you to not bother until a relationship takes on the shape you want. Your agenda. Dont fall in with somebody else's agenda

Siun · 13/10/2018 16:41

@dhapeer self respect well can you imagine a version of you who would just cheerfully tell this guy 'no that doesn't appeal so no' because you got turned off when didnt value you.

If a man values you he treats you well cos he fears losing you. If he doesnt treat a woman with self respect well then she gets turned off

If a woman with self respect isnt offered a committed relationship when that's what she wants, she gets turned off by the chancer treating her casually.

She knows that an intelligent man understands that if he gets involved with somebody who likes him and has sex with her that feelings will be involved, and if doesnt have the common decency to gets his casual sex from women who feel nothing for him either, then she gets turned off.

Siun · 13/10/2018 16:49

Ps while ive been internet dating i also read anne dickson's a woman in yr own right, nathaniel branden's six pillars of self esteem. Natalie lue's mr unavailable and the fall back girl, attached by rachel heller.
All very helpful. My self respect is high enough now that i have no fear of a bad relationship.

Im relentlessly single though as nobody offers what i want but that is ok. I never wsk myself why im not enough and in these half relationships, i used to do that. There is nothing worse.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 13/10/2018 17:15

Not a "happily married" but a "happily divorced". Answer to your question is "no".
Think about :
Self-esteem.
Self-worth.
Self-respect.
Standards.
Dignity.
Add on:
Unplanned/unwanted pregnancy.
Unplanned/unwanted S.T.D.
Whilst this person will be sipping his nice cold beer in Oz, without a second thought for you, consider all that you may have to be dealing with.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/10/2018 17:18

Don't do it Sweet, you're going to get hurt big time.

DiaryofWimpyMum · 13/10/2018 17:27

I tried it before with a guy I really liked it didn't work out. I wanted more than he was willing to give unfortunately

Graphista · 13/10/2018 17:37

No! Recipe for absolute disaster.

I've had fwb arrangements but if either party "caught feels" I ended it. Learned that lesson the hard way unfortunately.

willyloman · 13/10/2018 22:58

Only if you date other people as well...so you know you're not deliberately heading for a disaster by hoping he will change his mind...X

EarlyModernParent · 13/10/2018 23:16

No. Tried it once, ended up feeling dismissed, disposable, used.

subspace · 14/10/2018 00:03

Nope. I wouldn't put myself through that emotionally. And tbh, I'd have lost respect for him for even asking in the circumstances.

SequinsOnEverything · 14/10/2018 00:12

If I really really liked him I'd probably do it, but that's also exactly why I'm advising you not to. If you didn't have feelings for him then I'd say go for it, but as you do, you're going to get hurt.

Siun · 14/10/2018 10:50

I did that, dated other people, but nobody seemed as charismatic, or as interesting,blah blah blah. Now I see that I was just primed to find him the number one person in my life. Now I see him for what he was. A person who took at my expense. but at the time, dating other people too was just a ploy really. Not that I was conscious of it. He was a little bit jealous but never ever enough to ''claim'' me and make us a proper thing. So off I would go on these dates and surprise surprise none of them ever seemed to compare to him. I wonder ...........

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/10/2018 10:54

No. You're setting yourself up to get hurt while inflating this guy's ego by being eager to grab any breadcrumbs he's willing to drop. This kind of guy probably laughs at you behind your back I'm sorry to say.

Holdingonbarely · 14/10/2018 11:01

No it’s a really simple answer. You’re invested, he isn’t. If you like the sex because it’s loving then that’s not good.
If you liked getting a rogering once a fortnite then fine. But it doesn’t seem that way

Dahlietta · 14/10/2018 14:53

I’m happily married- not sure what that means you think I’m going to say...
It depends if you can cut off the side of you that likes him emotionally and accept what he’s offering for what it is. It doesn’t sound to me like you can though, in which case you could get very badly hurt by this.

HB2Me · 14/10/2018 15:25

This sounds disastrous and he sounds like a twat. If he knows that you like him and is willing to take advantage of that for sex then he sounds like King Twat of Knobland.

Please don’t do it OP. I think you’re going to end up feeling used and upset.

Siun · 14/10/2018 19:20

Yes OP if you're still there, ask yourself, would you do that to a man? would you be comfortable using him, for sex, for company, knowing that he wants you two to be a thing but you know that that will never happy? Would you do that? no, probably not, cos it's really crappy. That's what helped me get turned off the man that did it to me. Of all the women he could have had a casual thing with, he chose somebody who adored him. That is so weird. I met a few people on line. One of them really liked me and asked me if I believed in fate (we lived on the same rd growing up and I had the same birthday as his mum and he had the same birthday as his dad!). I could have gone on date after date with him, it never would have lead anywhere for me, but I would have enjoyed going out with him well enough. I didn't let that happen though because it is crappy behavior and I'm not comfortable with that.
Take what the universe has to offer but not if it gets in the way of somebody else finding what they want the universe to provide for them. Think Wayne Dyer said that on a clip I watched. Thats when I had an epiphany, this man that I felt I wasn't good enough for, actually, he wasn't good enough for me. It helped me move on and never look back.

MaeveDidIt · 14/10/2018 19:44

Happily married (heavens above!!).
If you feel sad now, how will you feel after Christmas?
Honestly, don't put yourself through it.

JanisJoplin73 · 14/10/2018 19:51

Don’t do it. If he respected you he wouldn’t ask this if you as
Sure he knows your feelings are involved. If he doesn’t respect you he will treat you badly in the end.