How do I deal with this disagreement?

[MummySharkDooDooDooDoo]

Me and DP have been together for about 7 months. He's very decent and respectful, he's met my DC and gets on well with them, he's very kind, affectionate and we have a great time together.

We had our first proper disagreement the other day. It wasn't really an argument, there was no shouting or anything, but we can't seem to move on from it. I won't go in to what it was about but it was something relatively minor and I now realise that my reaction to it was disproportionate. The reason for my reaction was based on the way my XH used to treat me. Which, in hindsight, was all a way to put me down and over time it completely eroded my confidence and made me completely reliant on him. In that moment with my DP, I feared that he was attempting to do the same, however I now realise he was only trying to help and I feel that I have made an assumption based on my previous experiences rather than the actual situation.

I have told him via message that I'm being an idiot, I've apologised and said that I want to explain why such a small thing became such a big issue. But I don't know how to properly explain it without continuing to make it a big issue. He's not annoyed at me but I feel we're both walking on eggshells a bit and I just want to move past this.

Has anyone got any advice about how I can explain where my reaction came from so we can move on from this and get back to where we were. I don't want to make it a bigger issue but I also don't want to minimise it because it did upset me, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Without knowing what was said, it's hard to respond. My fear is that your new partner has some of the attributes of the ex...but you don't want to face that.

Of course I could be wrong but if you can share what he did, it might make it easier for people here to judge the situation and advise x

I did exactly the same when I was first with my partner. He made a very light comment about a magazine I was reading and I totally overreacted.

My ex used to criticise the amount I spent (it was my money and I could afford it) and that I would be better off reading non-fiction books and learning about 'real things'. My poor partner bore the brunt of years of frustration that my ex wouldn't just let me be!

When I realised, I simply explained, said that I'd felt hurt and that he was mocking me, because that was my previous experience, and apologised. He understood completely and all was well. He now picks up my magazines when he does the supermarket shop and often has a flick through

There will be other times when you (probably both) overreact because of your past, it's human nature - just be honest and hopefully all will be well. And if it's not, then maybe he's not right for you?

Just tell your new partner what you said on here. How long ago did you split up with your ex? It sounds like its still raw.

Ok, my flat is fairly cluttered as I've moved in to a new place with the DC and all of the things we had in our family home before don't fit in here. I hate it and I want to get it sorted but I'm struggling to find the time to tackle it with work, two young DC and there are other things which take higher priority (washing and regular housework for example). He got irritated with it and told me it stresses him and offered me some suggestions, although he also said he understands why all this extra stuff is here and it isn't my fault. But all I heard was a criticism. Also, I want to learn to drive, which I've wanted to do for a long time but I have the DCs the majority of the time and I struggle to find a regular time that I could have lessons. But he keeps making comments about me learning to drive. The thing is, I don't disagree with either of his points, but as they're things that already irritate me, it made me feel useless that they irritate him too. (To give some context, we wouldn't be able to live together unless I could drive so that's why it affects him too). Because these two things were mentioned in quick succession, it made me feel pretty inadequate. My fear was that he was trying to put me down and in hindsight that's what my ex did for years. But I do believe that that wasn't his intention and he was just trying to help.

I do understand what you mean as I also fear that he could have some of the same traits as my ex. But he really doesn't. I just fear that because I'm hypersensitive to it now.

I split up with my ex at the beginning of last year but I'm only just starting to realise the extent of how badly he treated me. I'm seeing a counsellor to try to work through it because I know it's affecting me and I don't want it to affect my new relationship. In hindsight, I perhaps shouldn't have got in to a new relationship when I did, but it happened and I love him and don't want to lose him.

It's a bit soon to be thinking about moving in together so maybe pressuring you to learn to drive is a potential red flag? You've known each other for a few months, you're fresh out of an abusive relationship and you have your hands very full. It's way too soon for him to be looking to move in.

It shouldn't feel so fragile that one disagreement would break it, or that you can't discuss something.

And how come he keeps on making little comments about you learning to drive or bringing up the clutter? 7 months in and he's picking at you? In your vulnerable spots? How exactly is that trying to help? I'm sure you thought your ex' s intentions were good initially.

It's really common to fall into similar relationships following an abusive one. Do listen to your own reactions. Take the freedom programme and keep

On with the counselling.

I don’t think he should be making comments on the clutter in your place under the circumstances and if it’s not the right time for you to learn to drive then he shouldn’t be putting pressure on you about it.

I can see why you would be upset especially as you know you want to do something about both issues but in your own time.

I think it sounds like you need more time to find yourself again OP. Like maybe you shouldn't be in a serious relationship because you're establishing yourself and finding your confidence.

You need the freedom to do this in whatever state you want! So if your flat is cluttered THAT'S FINE because it's YOURS.

I'd pull back from him.

It's not his flat. If he doesn't like the way it is, he's welcome not to visit.

I think it’s quite telling that the first thing you say about him is ‘he’s decent and respectful.’ It struck me as odd that you’d say that first, rather than ‘amazing and lovely’ or something to that effect.

From what you say I’d be being very cautious about this guy.

Also your flat's clutter stresses him?

We're not looking to move in together any time soon. And he wouldn't move in to my place. But it is a conversation we've had. The comments that he's made about me learning to drive are more when he's said he's missing me and then said "why don't you drive?" Or when I've had to get cabs to rush here, there and everywhere with the DC he's said it would be so much easier if I drove.

As for the clutter, I think he was just irritated by it in that moment and said it. He subsequently apologised for mentioning it as he knows it's not my fault.

I know I'm defending him, but that doesn't mean to say he's like my ex. I did think my ex's intentions were good at the time, but I'm very aware of how they weren't now and in hindsight I can see what he was doing. I can see that my current DP isn't doing that.

In terms of helping me, he does bits of housework when he's here and when the DC are a bit more comfortable with him, he's offered to look after them while I have driving lessons.

I don't actually think things are that fragile that one disagreement could ruin things, but my perception is that it can all go wrong in a moment as that's what happened after 12 years of marriage. I'm trying to work on that.

I know he could end up being a dick but I have to believe that not all men are!

"Decent and respectful" are the two things my XH wasn't in the end. They are the two things that are most important to me now.

You obviously need to express the stuff that your ex has done to you and get some closure while getting your new partner to see things from your perspective. You also need to differentiate the two relationships so your ex doesn't haunt your new relationship.

You aren't an idiot - your emotions are in defence mode and emotions don't listen to logic very often, they are your emotional alarm systems which take a while to reprogram...your ex set them up and there's a lot of security checks to go through before you can change the pin number.

The best method for the situation I've come across would be for you to both write a letter to your ex together... Don't send it. In it explain everything that hurt you and the reasons why and how it is affecting you now. It'll help if your partner types or words things more poignantly to really express your anger and hurt (you will both feel united against a common enemy).

To get closure you then write a second letter from your ex to yourself apologising and giving some reason why he acted like he did (anything will do)... Basically write what you want to hear. You don't send either of them, and it's really healing to burn the letters and watch the smoke fly off (wonderful sense of the problem going away).

I've done it on several occasions - really helped me cope with some unsavoury characters and cope with them on a daily basis. The memories are still there, but they don't hurt you any more... It sort of neutralises them.

Hope this helps a little 😊

It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time and it takes a lot to heal, and it sounds like you’re taking the right slow approach to making a better life for yourself and your DC.

You’re right. ‘decent and respectful’ are hygiene factors - the baseline. No one’s perfect and there is no Mr Right only Mr good enough. But if alarm bells are ringing it’s a sign to be really careful.

But it's not exactly constructive or helpful to bemoan "why don't you drive" when he misses you or whatnot. Broken down, "I want to see you more but I can't because you can't drive", is really not that respectful.

You’ve hit the nail on the head category12

He did say that he instinctively looks for a solution to a problem so when he sees that I'm stressed out and exhausted from getting cabs or public transport to do school and nursery drop offs and then get to work, he thinks "a car would make your life much easIer". He just doesn't see the in between bit is much harder and he acknowledges that. He often says not to give myself a hard time for not being on top of things as I've got so much on my plate. I do get that he's saying if I could drive it would give me more time and make life easier but I don't think he fully gets the reality that there's no quick fix for that for me.

Interestingly, he has suggested writing a letter to my ex (not to actually send). My ex has been pretty awful recently and he is just as angry with him as I am for the way he's letting the DC down. I haven't done it yet but I think I'll give it a go.

Broken down, "I want to see you more but I can't because you can't drive", is really not that respectful.

This is just a fact though. If I could drive I could see him more, which I want too. He drives to my place a lot but with his work it's not always possible because we live a little way from each other, whereas on some occasions it would have worked if I could have driven to his.

Oh come on, everyone knows that learning to drive takes months and costs loads of money.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but you shouldn't rush to dismiss your reactions.

My bf sees my house/garden in all sorts of states and he never drops a criticism or makes remarks on it. he knows I work fulltime and commute and have dc, and I'm overwhelmed at times. He's very unlike my ex. If I asked him for help, he would, but he's not in there making little remarks about how I could do things better.

I think OP that you obviously want to give this man a fair try. Which is fine. But proceed with caution.

You have possibly seen a red flag....possibly not.

But if you see more of these potential warning signs, don't wait to respond. End the relationship.

I also think you need counselling.

Hmmm, tread carefully. I really don’t see why driving is a reoccurring subject when he knows your legitimate reason for not driving. His suggestion —complaint— stopped being helpful when it’s being repeated and then moves into bullying territory. In addition, just because he isn’t like your Ex in many many ways, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his own ways that aren’t compatible with a healthy relationship dynamic.

Wether you like to acknowledge it or not, you are more likely to find yourself in an unsuitable relationship after leaving an abusive one. Your reaction to your DP’s behaviour should tell you something about where you are in the healing and self discovery process and dismissing your response as just an ‘over reaction’, just screams you have a lot more work to do and that a relationship isn’t in your best interests at this time.

Well I am going to speak to him tonight when he comes over. I'm going to explain why I reacted my reaction was so extreme, but I will also tell him, as I did the other day, that repeating what I need to do (re driving) isn't helpful and makes me feel inadequate.

I will proceed with caution though. This has been one thing in 7 months. We get on fantastically otherwise and have never had an argument or disagreement. My assumption was that this was the beginning of many issues like this, which may be the case, or it could be an isolated incident. I will only know that if I give him and us a fair chance.

It's a bit soon to be thinking about moving in together so maybe pressuring you to learn to drive is a potential red flag? You've known each other for a few months, you're fresh out of an abusive relationship and you have your hands very full. It's way too soon for him to be looking to move in.

I hate all this searching for red flags nonsense that happens on mumsnet, no wonder people like the OP overreact to simple conversations that people have all the time without issue.

It takes a long time for some people to learn to drive so I don't see this as a red flag at all - it makes absolute sense not to wait until you want to move in to start doing something that might take months/years and is necessary to make it happen, of course you would start teeing things up so that when you were ready to move in you are in the position to do so?