How do I deal with this disagreement?

[MummySharkDooDooDooDoo]

Me and DP have been together for about 7 months. He's very decent and respectful, he's met my DC and gets on well with them, he's very kind, affectionate and we have a great time together.

We had our first proper disagreement the other day. It wasn't really an argument, there was no shouting or anything, but we can't seem to move on from it. I won't go in to what it was about but it was something relatively minor and I now realise that my reaction to it was disproportionate. The reason for my reaction was based on the way my XH used to treat me. Which, in hindsight, was all a way to put me down and over time it completely eroded my confidence and made me completely reliant on him. In that moment with my DP, I feared that he was attempting to do the same, however I now realise he was only trying to help and I feel that I have made an assumption based on my previous experiences rather than the actual situation.

I have told him via message that I'm being an idiot, I've apologised and said that I want to explain why such a small thing became such a big issue. But I don't know how to properly explain it without continuing to make it a big issue. He's not annoyed at me but I feel we're both walking on eggshells a bit and I just want to move past this.

Has anyone got any advice about how I can explain where my reaction came from so we can move on from this and get back to where we were. I don't want to make it a bigger issue but I also don't want to minimise it because it did upset me, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Life got gradually easier as they became patient, as my eldest was able to stay home by himself and then as the older two were able to babysit. I can't pinpoint the time but now they all help and more importantly can wait for stuff. I now have to deal with teenage hormones and occassional vileness which is hard but doesn't last. How old are yours?

They're 2 and 4, so still a long way to go yet.

I don't want to jinx it but they've only just started sleeping better. I've just stopped breastfeeding my youngest so her night time wakings seem to have reduced. Im well aware it's all subject to change but hopefully if we can all get a bit more sleep everything will feel a bit easier to tackle.

In My experience, they're going to get a lot easier now. Obviously you'll still need to look after them and not be able to leave them, but you can reason with them and they can wait etc.

Life got easier when both of mine went to school full time. Just knowing they've got somewhere to go every day takes the pressure off OP.

I guess I’d be comfortable asking my husband to not mention the driving thing again op, unless he’d had some genius idea as to how I was going to do lessons without sacrificing annual leave or leaving the kids obviously. I’d say it just really annoys me continuing to mention how great it would be when I can’t see how to get there, so could you please just stop?

If you aren’t comfortable having this conversation then it is a problem.

It might be enlightening to see how he reacts to you saying you don’t like the way he has talked about the driving and the clutter without appreciating how difficult it is for you. If he gets angry or defensive, that might give you the evidence that these are red flags. If he’s understanding and prepared to hear your side of the story, it might be a good sign. I’d still be wary of him because of your past experiences until you can be more certain that he is genuinely nothing like your ex because of the tendency to be preyed on by abusive people once you have been in an abusive relationship (as pp’s have suggested).

We spoke last night. I told him how what he had said had made me feel and he was very understanding and apologised for being insensitive. He said that he does tend to see things as black and white but he knows that's not always helpful. He said that over the past few days that there's been this awkwardness he's been worried that this is the beginning of the end and he didn't want to face that, so he'd been avoiding my messages because he was scared about what they were going to say. I told him that I need him to be able to talk to me, that a lot of this disagreement came from neither of us communicating very well, which is actually unusual for us. He also said that when he feared that the relationship might be heading south, he realised it wasn't only me he would miss, he would miss the DCs too.

I feel that this disagreement has been resolved and I'm sure some of you are still wary, or feel he's just told me what I want to hear. I don't think that is the case but I will be on the lookout for any other comments which I feel are trying to put me down.

Thank you for all of the messages of support.

Glad to hear it op :)

Well done OP, sounds like you handled the conversation really well while still being a bit wary 👏🏻👏🏻

Hi, I'm really glad you both talked last night. To be honest, I have only just read your thread, but I read it that he was just being honest.
Is there anyway he could be with the children for an hour regularly, at your house while you have a driving lesson?

He has suggested that he could do that when they're a bit more comfortable with him. We have discussed building up to that slowly, so for the first time I'd just go to the shop down the road and then we can see how they are on their own with him and he can see how he copes! He is great with them and, although he doesn't have children, he has a lot of experience with children so it's not completely alien to him.

I really am desperate to get driving. It would make my life so much easier. The irony is that I struggle to find the time to have lessons now, but if I could drive I'd have more time!

Yes. It's a definite catch 22 situation.
It's lovely that he wants to support you with it.

I think there are two strands to this. You need to take some initiative to heal from your past, like therapy, trauma release etc. AND it’s ok to have boundaries. So I had a tricky childhood ( alcoholic step dad and lots of fear), I did lots of work on myself after years of recreating my past, and I also feel completely fine with telling my partner when we met “ never shout at me” it’s too triggering.
Both are ways of owning your past.

Some people say but shouting is a part of life. Not my life, I’m really good at communicating, I will sit and talk and solve any problem.

Neither of us like shouting, it wasn't really an argument as such, it was more a disagreement but with crap communication - me because I didn't fully understand why it wasn't bothering me so much at the time so I couldn't put it in to words and him because he didn't really understand what the issue was or why I was annoyed because I couldn't find the words. So it just ended up with awkward silences. Also, as this was our first disagreement we still need to figure out how each other work in situations like this. I have told him that I need him to communicate with me and he agreed that he does. Ultimately I think the conversation last night really helpful for us moving forward.