How do I deal with this disagreement?

[MummySharkDooDooDooDoo]

Me and DP have been together for about 7 months. He's very decent and respectful, he's met my DC and gets on well with them, he's very kind, affectionate and we have a great time together.

We had our first proper disagreement the other day. It wasn't really an argument, there was no shouting or anything, but we can't seem to move on from it. I won't go in to what it was about but it was something relatively minor and I now realise that my reaction to it was disproportionate. The reason for my reaction was based on the way my XH used to treat me. Which, in hindsight, was all a way to put me down and over time it completely eroded my confidence and made me completely reliant on him. In that moment with my DP, I feared that he was attempting to do the same, however I now realise he was only trying to help and I feel that I have made an assumption based on my previous experiences rather than the actual situation.

I have told him via message that I'm being an idiot, I've apologised and said that I want to explain why such a small thing became such a big issue. But I don't know how to properly explain it without continuing to make it a big issue. He's not annoyed at me but I feel we're both walking on eggshells a bit and I just want to move past this.

Has anyone got any advice about how I can explain where my reaction came from so we can move on from this and get back to where we were. I don't want to make it a bigger issue but I also don't want to minimise it because it did upset me, albeit for the wrong reasons.

Do you have a plan re learning to drive? If so you can say to him, I am not learning to drive until next year/whatever so please don’t mention it again.

She shouldn't need to have a plan for learning to drive just to shut him up. Why should she have to give it even that headspace, if it's not her priority right now?

But it’s not one thing in 7 months is it ?

He repeatedly goes on at you about learning to drive, even though he know it takes time and money and you have neither.

And even though he’s a guest visiting your home, he repeatedly comments about how much stuff you have and what it a mess it is.

These are pink flags to me I’m afraid. I’d be watching carefully for other subtle ways he puts you down, Makes you feel inadequate and that he’s doing you a favour by dating you.

I don't know how big your house is but if you are anxious, which you could be with juggling everything in your life and carrying it over from living with ex, clearing STUFF might be quite a release. Clearing stuff feels like a weight off my shoulders, it's hard as DH is a hoarder. But binbagging it to the tip was the way to go, even if you recycle it will eventually end up in the tip so I took the fast route! Valuable stuff and toys to charity. If you put it in piles DP could do the bagging and taking. I don't mean to put more pressure on you if you are too busy.

He hasn't repeatedly mentioned the clutter in my flat. It was one comment the other day. He was trying to sort something out for me and it wasn't working so he was getting annoyed at it, he didn't say anything then but afterwards I asked him if he was okay and he said "I haven't wanted to say this before because it's not helpful and I know you hate it too and it's not your fault but sometimes the clutter in here gets to me."

As for the thing about driving, yes that has been mentioned more than once. Which is why I'm going to speak to him about that and say that it's not helpful to keep saying it.

Oh yes, absolutely! I do suffer with depression and anxiety and the clutter in here really, really gets to me. It's as bad as it is because I recently had a lot of stuff come over from XH after he cleared out a storage unit. I hate it but I really struggle to find the time to tackle it.

My husband of ten years, whom I love and am very happy with, does this thing that makes me murderous, where if I'm stressed about something, he goes "Well, if you just did X, it would be fine". I think a lot of people, mainly men, do this. Offering obvious solutions. DH is slowly learning to do it less. I don't see why this couldn't be that.
I'd just talk to him and say you overreacted, but telling someone what to do is very annoying unless they actually ask. It'll be fine. The first argument in a relationship is always really awkward but it'll blow over fast.

No she doesn’t need a plan for driving but if she has no intention of learning she needs to tell him to back off.

It doesnt have to take long to drive. You can do a one week intensive course. Obviously depends on being able to get childcare.
I'm not saying this is what the op should do to appease her bf. Just that if she wants to, it doesn't have to take long.

This is my huge irritation with driving. I'm desperate to learn and I'd love to be able to do an intensive course but I don't have enough annual leave to cover all of the school holidays let alone take any for driving lessons.

All this stuff that came over from the storage unit - was it stuff you actually wanted or asked for as your half, or was it an up-yours type move on your ex's part?

Some of the stuff I want and some I don't. I've dumped a lot of it already but it was all packed so badly by XH that I need to go through each and every box to work out what I can throw and what I want to keep.

On MN it is the norm for people to automatically assume that the man is abusive if he dares make one comment even if the relationship has thus far been ok.

It’s interesting that we regularly see threads on here from people who are irritated that their partners do not drive and refuse to learn, yet here we have someone who doesn’t drive and when her partner has brought it up it’s automatically considered to be a red flag. .

OP, having a first disagreement is always difficult in a new relationship because it often signals the end of the honeymoon phase iyswim. Not that you’re now going to settle into settled relationship status but where you go from that period of thinking each other to be perfect to realising that you’re still just human beings with the ability to disagree with each other, whereas until now you’ve essentially been of the view that neither of you can do anything wrong, iyswim.

In truth it’s impossible to comment on the clutter issue as nobody else knows the state of your house. If e.g.there are boxes, junk, stuff everywhere to the point that nobody can move or that there is no space to do anything then it’s perfectly understandable that someone might look in from the outside and think “oh bloody hell,” and when that doesn’t change might wonder whether it ever will and whether in fact if you were to move in together in the future this would be the state of your joint home. He hasn’t said it in those terms of course, but if you’re thinking future at some point then of course it would be a consideration. Similarly with driving. If he’s doing all the driving and if you’re reliant on sometimes unreliable public transport and have the ability to learn to drive if not the leave or the cash yet, he would undoubtedly be thinking that if only you drove it would be so much easier for you, and he’s not really wrong is he? It’s just that the timing is. FWIW I don’t drive and for health reasons I am not able to ever, so I’m not speaking as a car driver whose life is made immeasurably better by the driving experience...

Talk to him. And it’s very important not to see your ex in disagreements. He’s not your ex. And as long as you’re open to knowing when things are genuinely wrong, you need to also be open to the fact that disagreement is a part of being in a relationship, and getting past those disagreements is what matters if the relationship is going to last.

Summergems - It's a boyfriend, 7 months in, not living years with a partner who has relied on you to ferry them about all the time. At this stage it's supposed to still be fun and getting to know each other, not poking vulnerable spots. This is someone who only broke up from an abusive relationship a year or so ago and within months was in a new relationship. People coming out of abusive relationships commonly fall into similar relationships. It's a good idea to be aware of those possible pitfalls and do some work on yourself like the Freedom Programme or counselling if you're in that situation.

My marriage ended at the beginning of 2017. This relationship started a year later - it wasn't a matter of months.

It is fun. We get on brilliantly. He's not constantly picking. There have been a few comments about driving which, on their own, didn't bother me. However after the comments about my flat, I saw them slightly differently.

I am seeing a counsellor.

@SummerGems Great post.

Does he have children? Sometimes it's hard for people who have time and money to realise how difficult it is for those who don't. Solutions aren't solutions if they're not practical. I always try and find a solution to a problem that is doable.

He doesn't have children, no. I could afford driving lessons at this point, it really is just time that is the issue.

Does your BF have his own place ?

Yes he does. He owns. I rent.

So he doesn’t have kids, let alone being a single parent to two .

And he doesn’t have to deal with anyone’s stuff except his own, whereas there are three of you plus all these boxes from your ex

And he has the money and time to learn to drive and can afford a car and you don’t have either the time or the money

And he can afford to buy his own place and you can’t .

He’s got a lot of opinions about you should run your life, for someone who has duck all experience .

No, I still say it’s pink flags. I’d be watching carefully .

Actually, I do have the money to learn to drive, as I said. It's the time I don't have.

I'm not as inferior to him as you seem to be implying.

I’m NOT in any way implying that , and I can’t see how you think that from what I said.

How is being a parent inferior to being a non parent?

How is being a non driver inferior to a driver ?

I said that he has no EXPERIENCE of coping with these things . It’s easy to be an expert on how other people should run their lives wehn you’ve never actually coped with any of these challenges.

Anyway I can see that I’m not helping you by gving my opinions so I’ll leave it there. I hope it works out well for you and your kids.

There you go. Until you have children and look after them yourself, you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to do certain things. My kids aren't little anymore and even though I have 4, I have forgotten how full on they are. My life is a doddle now compared to a few years ago. I can tidy, clean, shop, declutter, work, go out etc easily. Just a few years ago, all these things were challenging (And 2 of mine are still in primary scjool).

Take what he says with a pinch of salt because he won't get it until he has or cares for children himself.

As an aside Musti how old were they when life got easier? Just so I can start my count down!!