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Original poster

My periodic dilemma - father who never met my dd

52 replies

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 22:50

I got pregnant, he fucked off.
Since she was 3, off and on every couple of years, I make contact with her father.
He begs and pleads to get to know her, frightens the shit out of me and so I block him.
She has never met him.
So, I am doing my periodic checking in to see if his contact details are still good and he is really really really really interested in getting to know her.
Meanwhile, she turned 14 and I showed her his picture and her response was I. DON'T. CARE.
Do I let her know how much he wants to know her?
Particularly interested in hearing from absentee Dads and mothers who had Dads fuck off.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 22:53

I am confused, he contacts you or the other way around?

Faster · 09/10/2018 22:54

What have you told your DD about her father not being in her life?

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 22:54

I contact him and then block him for a couple of years.

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 09/10/2018 22:55

Is this real?
Seriously?

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 22:57

So you contact him, see if he wants to meet her then when he says yes block him, thereby depriving him of the opportunity to be involved? Hmm
And presumably as he has not been involved in her life, she now doesn’t want to know him?

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 22:57

For many reasons, I haven't really had that conversation. My mother is a lunatic and so she has had conversations with my daughter along the lines of 'you don't need to know him'. Again, for many reasons, I don't want to fuck with my daughter's head by saying anything that would contradict what she has been told. My mother scares the living daylights out of me more than any one other human being on the planet and can make me doubt myself with regards to my daughter, which is why I'm asking you guys.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 22:58

Btw it doesnt sound like he fucked off.

It sounds like you blocked him.

VimFuego101 · 09/10/2018 22:59

Why do you contact him then block him repeatedly? What did he do to 'scare the shit out of you'?

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 22:59

My hands are tied in that my mother has ultimate control. My dd lives with my Mum.
Yes though, I contact him, he says he'd like to get in touch, I tell my mother, she bans the notion, I block him. And usually end up being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a week.

OP posts:
Faster · 09/10/2018 23:00

I think you’ve done the both of them a huge disservice. And I’m saying that as the daughter of a man who did ‘fuck off’ but whose mother wasn’t open and honest and helped initiate contact when I was in my teens.
You had no right to prevent your DD from having a father, regardless of if you were in a relationship or not.

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:00

If this isn’t a joke I’d say it sounds like neither you or your mother are fit to raise a child.

It’s your DD I feel sorry for

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:01

No, he did fuck off. I left him a voicemail stating I was pregnant, he apparently changed his number and locked me out of a photo sharing thing that was around at the time.

His version is that he never got the message.

OP posts:
calderdalechange · 09/10/2018 23:01

But the key information is that your daughter currently doesn't want to know. Wait until she asks.

Thanks
Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:02

I feel sorry for my dd too. However, my mother will never agree to me even discussing him with dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:03

I know she doesn't want to know, but that's based not on what is all the full facts.
I wonder whether I should try to tell her how much he wants to know her.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:03

The DD does’t want to know because as far as she’s been told, her father doesnt have any interest in her.

It’s clear that OP has been gatekeeping contact in this bizarre way, depriving her daughter of the opportunity of a relationship.

Fattymcfaterson · 09/10/2018 23:04

I'm not suprised she doesn't want to know, what with the poison and wierd games being played all over.
Tbh this is utterly shameful

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:05

Believe me, I am not the gatekeeper. I'm the half-witted messenger with my mother the gatekeeper.

OP posts:
Faster · 09/10/2018 23:06

Why is your mother the puppet master in all of this mess?

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:06

You are initiating contact with the father at random intervals then blocking him to prevent access.

It’s a wierd mind fuck and I wonder what you get out of it?

Dermymc · 09/10/2018 23:07

WTAF is. Going. On?

Dandybelle · 09/10/2018 23:08

I think if he really is genuine about being desperate to know his daughter, then it's cruel for you to dangle a carrot that you've decided he can't have because of your own DM every couple of years, then block him and in his eyes disappear off the face of the earth again for a few years.

Does your DD know that you contact him every few years? I think that now she's 14 you need to sit and have an honest conversation about what the situation really is, away from your mother who appears to have pumped poison into your DD with regards to her father.

It should be her choice if she wants a relationship with her dad, but it should be an informed choice, not one that's been swayed by your DM. She needs all the facts, not opinions.

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:08

Fyi I speak as someone who has done everything alone for 10 years but I can tell you 100% if my son’s father got in touch I would not block him because my son is entitled to decide if he wants a relationship with that person.

Original poster
Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:09

My mother took custody of my daughter when she was 5 as I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital (following contact with her father and my mother totally outlawing the idea).
My mother refuses to allow me discuss her father.
Yes, my dd doesn't want to know her father based on what my mother tells her. I have never tried to fuck her up by telling her the truth which will obviously contradict everything my mother is telling her.

OP posts:
Bigpizzalover · 09/10/2018 23:09

Why don’t you pass on the address where your daughter lives to her dad so he can write to her? Pass on her email address if you think your mum will intercept her mail? Or stand up and be a parent and ignore your mother. YOU are the child’s mother HE is the child’s father - your mums opinion is irrelevant. What happens when your mum dies, your daughter finds out about her dad and then hates you for lying to her all her life? It won’t be your mum suffering will it.