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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My periodic dilemma - father who never met my dd

52 replies

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 22:50

I got pregnant, he fucked off.
Since she was 3, off and on every couple of years, I make contact with her father.
He begs and pleads to get to know her, frightens the shit out of me and so I block him.
She has never met him.
So, I am doing my periodic checking in to see if his contact details are still good and he is really really really really interested in getting to know her.
Meanwhile, she turned 14 and I showed her his picture and her response was I. DON'T. CARE.
Do I let her know how much he wants to know her?
Particularly interested in hearing from absentee Dads and mothers who had Dads fuck off.

OP posts:

NeverStopExploring · 09/10/2018 23:10

Your poor dd. Your all playing games and it’s only her that will end up hurt by all this. You blame your mum but you have played your part in this too by opening the door and then slamming it shut. Get the help you need to deal with your own issues and tell dd the facts, offer her the contact details when/ if she feels ready and stop playing games. Let it be her choice based on fact not emotional blackmail or lies.

BathroomLights · 09/10/2018 23:11

If he changed his number, how did you manage to repeatedly contact him?

When your daughter finds out the truth you and your mother will lose her.

Why can't you have a conversation with your daughter? Why do you need your mother's permission?

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:12

I agree with other posters, at some time in the near future your Dd may find out for herself that the two of you have manipulated and blocked her right to a father. You will both regret it

noego · 09/10/2018 23:13

When your DD is 16 she has every right to contact him or him her. What stories might he tell her if they do meet?

Pipsqueak11 · 09/10/2018 23:13

What's the point ? You have managed to ensure she will have no relationship with her father or at least nothing meaningful . What a shame for your dd that you couldn't put her needs above your own

Original poster

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:14

I had his email address, I just never tried it as he hadn't replied to phonecalls/texts.

OP posts:

calderdalechange · 09/10/2018 23:15

Is anyone else but me noticing that OP might be quite vulnerable so maybe let's not keep saying how awful she is. She doesn't have care of her daughter, is frightened of her mother and DD's dad obviously triggers something very distressing for her. Can we just have a little kindness, I feel like she's doing her best

Original poster

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:16

I haven't managed to ensure it. My mother has. I cannot describe the lengths that woman has gone to to ensure she has my daughter. It's like something out of a Stephen King novel.
But here I am. I realise now I need to talk to dd. Without the cunt in the background hanging up the phone on us.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:19

Calderdale I could have sympathy if she left the father alone, but she doesn’t. She is randomly contacting him then blocking again. It’s cruel.

Rebecca36 · 09/10/2018 23:20

it won't be long before your daughter can choose for herself whether or not to meet her father and it will be out of yours and your mother's hands. She'll also grow up and have a bit more perspective about him. So don't worry.

Haffiana · 09/10/2018 23:20

Do you have a social worker assigned to you? A support worker? MH Team? Can you discuss this with them?

Original poster

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:23

I don't leave the father alone as I know that my daughter should meet him one day and I want to have his contact details. My GP when I first contacted him (she was 3) and I was having a nervous breakdown because my mother was telling me he'd steal her and take her to Africa never to be seen again, basically told me that fathers who haven't been there from the start don't come good in her experience.

I can't do right for doing wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:25

No, I don't have a social worker, but my daughter has one.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:27

Well if you are trying to repair this somehow why dont you pass his details to her social worker to see if they can arrange contact?

This way you can step back from the situation and try to focus on your wellbeing

Original poster

Dhapeer · 09/10/2018 23:28

Proud that's actually a good idea.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/10/2018 23:30

Good luck Op I hope you get things resolved either way. You sound like you do really care about DD.

Honeyroar · 09/10/2018 23:44

Have you ever explained to him that your mother has refused to let him be involved in his daughter's life, explained that you're a bit scared of her and that she has custody of your daughter- that's why you panic and block him? At least be honest with him.

Angrybird345 · 10/10/2018 07:16

Is your dd even interested in her dad? Doesn’t seem like she is. You seem to be forcing the issue. Leave it alone.

Madlife · 14/10/2018 16:46

You are horrible. His father regardless of what terms he ended things up wants to know his daughter. You are an adult. Stop putting excuses and planning with people's feelings. If I was your daughter I would really resent you for not letting me know my father. Get a grip

subspace · 14/10/2018 17:04

I'm so sorry that your mental health is so bad (on and off). That can't be helping you or anybody.

I really think you need some support outside of the family. Do you have a mental health caseworker or anybody like that?

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 14/10/2018 17:11

Why would you try to iniatiate contact that you couldn't facilitate? To offer him that contact (assuming it is something he wants) and then block him repeatedly seems quite cruel.

Original poster

Dhapeer · 15/10/2018 09:20

What was cruel was to fuck off and leave me alone and pregnant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dhapeer · 15/10/2018 09:21

His version of events is that he was in prison so didn't get the message telling him I was pregnant. A believable version, but hardly an endorsement for enabling contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dhapeer · 15/10/2018 09:23

To tell you how fucking weird they are, I got the following message on Whatsapp from one of his brothers yesterday. It's like the announcement of the second coming....

"I bring greetings in d name of our lord jesus christ. Dis is dark man rising in sun brother, how is going with u my daughter"

Typed word for word.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dhapeer · 15/10/2018 09:26

It's all really strange. Apparently he did time for drug smuggling. The more I find out, the more scared I get, hence the periodic blocking. He has also bombarded me with about 200 photos on Whatsapp, including about 20 pictures of his Dad's corpse in a coffin and funeral photos!
I don't know what to do at all.

OP posts:

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