Working with bitchy females!

[bluecheddarcheese]

Currently have a bully at work who is driving me nuts. Do you think it's generally harder working with females and why does it upset me so much when actually I'm a really strong character?

Please tell me your stories. Need to feel better :(

I work with a gaggle of bitchy women, I’ve never experienced this level of it before. Have started eating lunch in my car. (They slate me for that, too.)

Ps, I agree with the poster who said there's always one

Most people are lovely and I get on with 90% of people really well so it's not that I dislike women or need attention. The problem is when a woman who herself needs attention decides to build a clique (her empire) and keep you out of her empire, that is not a reflection on your ability to get on with people. In fact, often, these types can't understand why other less shallow people than themselves give you the time of day. They glance at you and don't see anything that would validate them, and so they decide to push you out of the conversation, the group, the plan, the joke.

Well we're only basing it on what you've said. Did you not find women hell to work with and horrendous to live with then?

Yes I did, but I never said anything about not getting on with them. I hate one of my sister in laws but I get in with her and she has no idea.

@dirtybadger, I've also worked in offices where it's been nearly all women and that's been fine. Where I am now it's nearly a third men though so that one woman is trying to triangulate a posse around herself. It's got to be a glosse possy though.

I work with all women and it's fantastic, incredibly supportive, funny and empowering.

It's those particular women, not working with just women, that is the issue.

Are you in Nursing? They seem to have horrid levels of bullying in the ranks.

There are clearly some women who are never on the receiving end of this crap. They think it's your fault if this happens to you.

When I start a new place, I'm just myself, goodhumoured, pleasant, maybe my boundaries aren't quiiiiite high enough, I don't know. But at some point I realise that there is ONE woman who is taking her shit out on me. It's so hard to nip it in the bud as if you call the person out then you're perceived to be the one who created a bad atmosphere out of nowhere (because there was no bad atmosphere for the others while you just sucked it up!) and bystanders rarely want to get involved, they tell themselves it's a personality clash.

So on the various occasions this has happened to me, I've stayed quite for too long and then exploded and then been perceived to have been sensitive to almost nothing, whereas in fact I'd been putting up with some covert nonsense for 10 months (most recently, ten months of being ignored by a woman who was friendly with the same people I was friendly with, but whereas I could accept her existence, she couldn't tolerate my presence and seemed to studiously shun me.

I have worked with some unpleasant men & some unpleasant women over the years. Most of my colleagues of both sexes have been great to work with, fortunately.

The worst by far was a female manager. She was relentless in her misery-making, nastiness & undermining, & even worse during my six months notice period like a prison sentence

It wasn't just directed towards me, but to anyone who wasn't on her favourites list like the more senior men

With women there is always some sort of hierarchy and work place politics that I don’t wish to be involved in. Hence why I prefer to work with men.

Is this a joke? The gender that basically invented politics, and invented hierarchy - in military, religious, political, social institutions. Who love nothing better than a good jostle for alpha male...

Op, I know what you mean. It can be mentally draining.
At the moment, I have one female colleague who has a bad case of queen bee syndrome. I now don’t speak to her unless spoken to and I try to avoid being ialone n the same room as her.

BUT I also have a male colleague who thinks he is God’s gift, wants to be sales director and spends his time trying to shaft anyone more senior than the apprentices.

She is more underhand, he is blatantly aggressive but one of each. Very gender balanced.

There are different styles of bullying. I think men get away with being overtly unpleasant or offensive which is why women who were raised to be ''nice'' let themselves down sometimes by being passive aggressive.

But relational aggression is ignoring people and seeking to manipulate the dynamics. That is bullying. It's not robbing your stuff and calling you names. Far to obvious.

I know what you mean OP, although it's obviously not always the case. I'm fortunate enough to work in IT which is a specialist provider to a very male dominated industry. I'm actually pleased it's that way. 20 years ago before I changed to my current industry I was in a role that was awful and there were some awful women - I'd come in a room and they would stop talking, there was a lot of "conspirational whispering", snide remarks that on the face and for a one off were ok... but actually over time they built up and I hated it. Now I'm really fortunate where I work - we get on fine, no weirdness, ppl work hard, all good - lots of guys of course, but I actually don't think about it and don't think the fact I'm a woman makes any difference to this situation.

I don't think the answer is to turn your back on all women and to try to align yourself with the men!! Especially when there's one ''perp''. You'll make yourself look like you're after male attention and approval in your 'quest' to avoid female bullying Not the best way to deal with it, and you'd miss out on the friendship of 90% of great women

I have experienced this and I think the answer is to deal with it in a really upfront way. It may cause awkwardness initially but when the awkwardness dies down they think, oh, I'll be a passive aggressive nightmare to somebody else.

I work in a male dominated environmental, today I had to put up with some arrogant 1st line technie who simply don't even have a clue! I was absolutely fuming. We can't control who they are - males or females, just try not let work get to you. It's hard to switch off, have a rant here and switch off. That's what i did when i got home, accept it was to my dh. He have to listen all tge time lol

Environment, not environment!

Actually, some men at work have been offish/patronising/snippy/dismissive to me (not all and and not all of the negative behaviors all at once)
But it rankles more from a woman, so it is not that women are worse but it hurts more

I’m totally with you OP. I hate bitchy environments. I deliberately work in a male dominated sector now as it’s just easier. I’m all for female empowerment but I’ve been bullied by women quite badly in the past, I was suicidal at one point in a previous job because of a female coworkers behaviour towards me. I hope you’re okay and you can be strong and pull through, I totally get where you’re coming from with this.

Over the last 30 years I have worked in predominantly female environments, predominantly male environments and mixed environments.

I found the mainly female ones the most difficult. The women I worked with were very superficial and materialistic. When they realised that I did not share their values, they ostracised me. It was juvenile and silly, like being back at school.

The mainly male environments were better, I never experienced any harassment or sexism, but the constant ‘banter’ could get tedious when you wanted to have a sensible discussion.

I much prefer mixed gender workplaces. Having blokes around seems to moderate the worst of the women’s cliquiness and bitching, and having women around seems to moderate the worst of the laddish banter.

I would be careful what you post on this topic, after all you don’t want your story to end up in the Daily Fail. I know it’s hard to believe but some journalists don’t even do research on stories, they just start threads on MN and then publish people’s posts .

It’s shocking isn’t it ?

I just thought I’d warn you Op as you are new to MN so you maybe don’t know this.

Yes. Women can be utter bullies - especially in the NHS.

Earlier this year I was in the sights of a Queen Bee who made it her mission to make my life a misery. She only likes people she can flirt with, or people she can push her work onto. She couldn’t do either with me and really became quite nasty when I was assertive (not rude) with her. She started a drip drip campaign. She also did the same to another woman in another department who said no to her about a project they were working on. I have also fallen foul of other females. They seem to take it personally if you don’t agree with them or put forward a different view in a way I have never had from male colleagues. They also seem to treat Male subordinates differently, make more allowances but cutting other females no slack.

The only cliques I have come across have been Male ones. One was started by a complete misogynist and he recruited others to his clique who on the surface were pro equalities. The recruitment happened so far. What they did was exclude females, took all the high profile tasks leaving organising to females, and generally being patronising arses.

Neither scenario was pleasant but if I was made to choose I would say that working with females has been more stressful despite the sexism displayed by the others. The females had a more detrimental effect on my health.

I have had a really good couple of Male line managers. I have had an okay female one, but the rest of them have been tricky.

I am a feminist. I think women are amazing so it pains me to write the above.

I've worked with someone who bullied me so bad that I was a whisker away from ending things it was that bad..the mental torture was horrific.. got into my head where I started to believe I was everything she said I was and i even had to go see a physiotherapist to try and deal with what was happening..finally plucked up the courage to leave but it was a horrendous couple of years.. and yes it was female..

I used to think I found women harder to work with but then realised it’s the profession of nursing which has a peculiar nastiness

I have found working in schools with women to be absolutely dreadful. It is worse now than it ever was.