I apologise in advance for this lengthy thread. I don’t know how to condense want I am currently going through, I am torn, confused, hurting and lost. And I’m hoping I can get some clear headed advice. For those of you who take the time to read this... thank you.
I am 7 years divorced and have 3 incredibly amazing DC. I went through a horrific divorce with a history of domestic violence. Myself and DC victims.
2 years after I left my ex DH, Overwhelmed, confused and going through some pretty tough times, I unexpectedly met someone. It happened when I was least ready, nor looking. Despite him being the most generous, kind and amazing person, I had reasons at the time I felt I shouldn’t get involved. 1. I was in a phase of complete healing. I was broken. Damaged. And struggled with the concept of putting such a wonderful and kind person through what I was going through. 2. I was overly protective of my DC and what they had been through. I hesitated letting another man into their lives. 3. He had never been married. No children. And he was about to step into a newly divorced woman’s life, with 3 little kids and a life full of baggage. How could that possibly work? 4. He was exceptionally good looking, successful, kind, generous. I mean perfect. Why was he single still in his 40’s?
I knocked him back. Politely. He insisted. He pushed. He’d fallen for me. He told me it was his decision if he could handle everything and help unpack the baggage. He said he wanted to.
So I caved and this man became the father figure to my children only a woman could ever dream of for her kids. He loved them as his own. He loved me. He supported me. Backed me. He never tired of anything. He cooked dinner when days were tough. He took my kids to school on mornings I couldn’t get out of bed. He held me when I lay in foetal position. He saved me from taking my life. He stayed. He listened. He loved. He never left. My DC loved and adored him more than life itself. To say he was perfect was an understatement. And after 4 years together, I unexpectedly fell pregnant.
He didn’t want the baby. I was heartbroken. Although not planned, I wanted this more than anything. My DC were enough for him. He loved them as his own, and to use his words, he became an instant dad to 3. Why would he want to change that? He didn’t think he’d cope. Part of me understood. Part of me didn’t. I couldn’t question his love and commitment to me. But he didn’t want our baby? And Nothing was going to change his mind.
6 weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated. He was relieved. He said had I had the baby, he would of course naturally, have stuck by my side and been there. He wouldn’t abandon me, or the baby. BUT - he still wouldn’t move in with us and be a family. He was here maybe 5 or 6 nights a week. But he wouldn’t move in. 4 years later, and he was stalling to take that next step to be a family. I started to resent him. I became angry and somewhat aggressive towards him at times. We’d fight. We’d have a break and after 48 hours we’d always be back. There was no denying how much we loved each other.
We were both unhappy. But both still loved each other and cared very much for one another. A year ago, While on holiday together I came across en email he had sent to an ex girlfriend. Explicit. Devastating. I walked with my 3 DC and told him it was over. I could never trust him again. How many other emails had there been? How many Other women? How could he do this to me and my DC? I was just broken beyond repair. 6 Months later I found myself forgiving him. His remorse was so much that he didn’t know how to even look me in the face. He’d messed up. He never tried to deny it, hide it. Make excuses. He simply copped what he’d done. And I forgave him. He begged for me to take him back and told me he’d do anything. He would move in and be a family. He Simply couldn’t live without me and the DC. I at that point I couldn’t have been happier. He’d changed my world. And now he was dis lily wanting to be a family.
We found a new home, and the day we were to move he pulled the pin. He couldn’t do it. He felt overwhelmed. As much as he loved me and the kids, he struggled with it all. Taking on 3 young children. He needed the break once in a while. He didn’t know how to cope with it all. He told me he was also scarred from the hurt I put him through with my divorce. He loved me.... but he also found it hard and exhausting. I get that. I do. It was the reason I resisted from day 1. Again I walked. This time for good. I requested no contact, which he respected. And we moved on with our lives. Or tried to. Eventually We’d always make excuses to make contact. The DC or this or that. But I refused to go back. He’d hurt me, and I’d hurt him. Until we weeks ago, out of the blue, I messaged him and asked him to come over. The first time I’d seen him in nearly 6 months. I missed him. It a day went by I didn’t eat him here with me.
He was over within 5 minutes and today we find ourselves wondering if we can make it work. I’ve never seen the DC so happy in so Long to see him. ! Love I don’t think an issue. Not from my end. But is love enough? Why didn’t he fight for me and my babies when we left? It was me who went back. He would have respected my wishes and let me move on.
Part of me feels he wants the perfect balance in life. The beautiful family life, and then the days to be a boy, the single boy. Free of the commitment.
I never once in our 5 years together featured on his social media. Why? And wonder, who was he hiding me from? I’m terrified, scared and still so desperately in love with this man. I don’t know if I can trust him. I dont know why he wants to come back. I don’t know why he also can’t let me go. As much as I can’t let him go. We say we are soul mates, yet are we? He struggles to make that final commitment. And I think that’s something I need. Although he says of course, its what he wants to work towards. But he also said that for 5 years.
I couldn’t go through all of this again to have my heart so broken again. Nor could my DC. Or do I walk away and wonder how amazing it could have been had we given it one. Ore chance?
I don’t doubt his love, but I doubt his fear of commitment. So so confused, and hurting right now. My family, as much as they adored him, tell me he will never commit and I am only leading myself into more heartache.