Do you take back the man that saved you, yet hurt you?

[Wakingwillow23]

I apologise in advance for this lengthy thread. I don’t know how to condense want I am currently going through, I am torn, confused, hurting and lost. And I’m hoping I can get some clear headed advice. For those of you who take the time to read this... thank you.

I am 7 years divorced and have 3 incredibly amazing DC. I went through a horrific divorce with a history of domestic violence. Myself and DC victims.

2 years after I left my ex DH, Overwhelmed, confused and going through some pretty tough times, I unexpectedly met someone. It happened when I was least ready, nor looking. Despite him being the most generous, kind and amazing person, I had reasons at the time I felt I shouldn’t get involved. 1. I was in a phase of complete healing. I was broken. Damaged. And struggled with the concept of putting such a wonderful and kind person through what I was going through. 2. I was overly protective of my DC and what they had been through. I hesitated letting another man into their lives. 3. He had never been married. No children. And he was about to step into a newly divorced woman’s life, with 3 little kids and a life full of baggage. How could that possibly work? 4. He was exceptionally good looking, successful, kind, generous. I mean perfect. Why was he single still in his 40’s?
I knocked him back. Politely. He insisted. He pushed. He’d fallen for me. He told me it was his decision if he could handle everything and help unpack the baggage. He said he wanted to.

So I caved and this man became the father figure to my children only a woman could ever dream of for her kids. He loved them as his own. He loved me. He supported me. Backed me. He never tired of anything. He cooked dinner when days were tough. He took my kids to school on mornings I couldn’t get out of bed. He held me when I lay in foetal position. He saved me from taking my life. He stayed. He listened. He loved. He never left. My DC loved and adored him more than life itself. To say he was perfect was an understatement. And after 4 years together, I unexpectedly fell pregnant.

He didn’t want the baby. I was heartbroken. Although not planned, I wanted this more than anything. My DC were enough for him. He loved them as his own, and to use his words, he became an instant dad to 3. Why would he want to change that? He didn’t think he’d cope. Part of me understood. Part of me didn’t. I couldn’t question his love and commitment to me. But he didn’t want our baby? And Nothing was going to change his mind.

6 weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated. He was relieved. He said had I had the baby, he would of course naturally, have stuck by my side and been there. He wouldn’t abandon me, or the baby. BUT - he still wouldn’t move in with us and be a family. He was here maybe 5 or 6 nights a week. But he wouldn’t move in. 4 years later, and he was stalling to take that next step to be a family. I started to resent him. I became angry and somewhat aggressive towards him at times. We’d fight. We’d have a break and after 48 hours we’d always be back. There was no denying how much we loved each other.

We were both unhappy. But both still loved each other and cared very much for one another. A year ago, While on holiday together I came across en email he had sent to an ex girlfriend. Explicit. Devastating. I walked with my 3 DC and told him it was over. I could never trust him again. How many other emails had there been? How many Other women? How could he do this to me and my DC? I was just broken beyond repair. 6 Months later I found myself forgiving him. His remorse was so much that he didn’t know how to even look me in the face. He’d messed up. He never tried to deny it, hide it. Make excuses. He simply copped what he’d done. And I forgave him. He begged for me to take him back and told me he’d do anything. He would move in and be a family. He Simply couldn’t live without me and the DC. I at that point I couldn’t have been happier. He’d changed my world. And now he was dis lily wanting to be a family.

We found a new home, and the day we were to move he pulled the pin. He couldn’t do it. He felt overwhelmed. As much as he loved me and the kids, he struggled with it all. Taking on 3 young children. He needed the break once in a while. He didn’t know how to cope with it all. He told me he was also scarred from the hurt I put him through with my divorce. He loved me.... but he also found it hard and exhausting. I get that. I do. It was the reason I resisted from day 1. Again I walked. This time for good. I requested no contact, which he respected. And we moved on with our lives. Or tried to. Eventually We’d always make excuses to make contact. The DC or this or that. But I refused to go back. He’d hurt me, and I’d hurt him. Until we weeks ago, out of the blue, I messaged him and asked him to come over. The first time I’d seen him in nearly 6 months. I missed him. It a day went by I didn’t eat him here with me.
He was over within 5 minutes and today we find ourselves wondering if we can make it work. I’ve never seen the DC so happy in so Long to see him. ! Love I don’t think an issue. Not from my end. But is love enough? Why didn’t he fight for me and my babies when we left? It was me who went back. He would have respected my wishes and let me move on.

Part of me feels he wants the perfect balance in life. The beautiful family life, and then the days to be a boy, the single boy. Free of the commitment.

I never once in our 5 years together featured on his social media. Why? And wonder, who was he hiding me from? I’m terrified, scared and still so desperately in love with this man. I don’t know if I can trust him. I dont know why he wants to come back. I don’t know why he also can’t let me go. As much as I can’t let him go. We say we are soul mates, yet are we? He struggles to make that final commitment. And I think that’s something I need. Although he says of course, its what he wants to work towards. But he also said that for 5 years.

I couldn’t go through all of this again to have my heart so broken again. Nor could my DC. Or do I walk away and wonder how amazing it could have been had we given it one. Ore chance?

I don’t doubt his love, but I doubt his fear of commitment. So so confused, and hurting right now. My family, as much as they adored him, tell me he will never commit and I am only leading myself into more heartache.

Even the language and sentence structure is like you think you've had this big fairytale romance when it sounds fairly standard and shit at the end tbh...

I walked with my 3 DC and told him it was over. I could never trust him again.

@wakingwillow23 It's things like this that are so very wrong OP.

You have a problem with boundaries. I mean why 'walked'- why not just 'went'? You make it sound like a long trek across the desert, a scene from a film.

And why FFS take your children with you??? This is the boundaries issue. Goodness knows what your poor children have been exposed to- they would overhear your conversation.

It is completely wrong to involve your children in your relationships like this especially as they have already suffered DV and a a break up.

You are giving them the 'lesson' that this sort of drama with selfish men who are all 'abusers' in the biggest sense of the word, is normal.

Unless you get help for yourself, your children will grow up and go on to have the same kind of chaotic and abusive relationships; that is the model they have known.

I dread to think how they are managing at school if they are involved with, rather than protected from, your mis-management of your relationships.

You are bringing them up to believe that a woman 'needs' a man who 'saves' her . and has such low self-worth she will accept any kind of treatment.

This man has let you down time after time. You know now why he was single in his 40s. It's clear.

YOU contacted him this time. Why? Of course he's come back- he's flattered. But he will never change. He gets a kick from being 'mr nice guy' but he's not nice really. It's all about power and control over you.

Can you see you have fallen into another abusive relationship but this time it's your head that's fucked up by him?

Please go and seek long term psychotherapy and leave your poor kids out of all this drama. You need to learn about boundaries .

My family, as much as they adored him, tell me he will never commit and I am only leading myself into more heartache
Your family is very wise.
Listen to them!!!!!!

You're describing thian as if he's God-like😮.

He's just a man.

He's a commitment-phobe, doesn't want a child with you, and is contacting another woman.

Your DCs can and would survive without him. But it sounds worryingly as if you're pushing for closeness between him and DC ..I can't fathom why tho.

Part of me feels he wants the perfect balance in life. The beautiful family life, and then the days to be a boy, the single boy. Free of the commitment.

Well - maybe so. If you want him to live with you and he doesn't want that - which is his prerogative after all as not everybody wants to do "live-in" - then it's not the relationship for you. No amount of "but what about the DCs... " Will change that. They're not a bargaining tool

OP, please get some help. Not from a man, but from a therapist. Your overwrought language; the highly polarised emotions; your inability to see what this is doing to your children - all of these add up to something you not only can't get a handle on, but you possibly can't see clearly either.

We, as outsiders, on the other hand, can see something going on - and it isn't the full-blown romance you describe (though, no doubt, you'll feel it that way; I've done that too). It is someone who needs to find their own sense of centredness, and their own sense of self. You won't find that in anyone or anything else.

Best of luck

A man who is almost 50, childless and single is very unlikely to change.

To speak of him as a 'boy' is , quite frankly, odd.

It's not as if he was in his 20s.

He's getting off on being needed and some kind of rescuer, you are enjoying being 'rescued' . Neither is a healthy way to be.

It's the classic Karpman dram triangle- here is link.

Sorry it's wiki but there are other versions out there and is something you should explore with a therapist.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

You have a mental image of Mr Right in your head, and you're desperately trying to squash him into that mould. But you're not stupid, and you keep seeing that he doesn't really fit into it at all - some bits are popping out and some are unfilled. You don't want to see this, but actually there's a sensible little voice somewhere inside you telling you all this.

Come on, OP, you've got yourself out of bad situations before now. You did okay without him. He can't really give you the dream.

We found a new home, and the day we were to move he pulled the pin. He couldn’t do it. He felt overwhelmed

He's told you how he feels and truly, you need to listen. He likes your relationship as it is now. You're the one constantly pushing for him to move in with you, and live family life.

I'm guessing none of his family and friends even know about you.

If it's such a big deal to you that he's not going to move in then call it a day so you've the chance to meet a man who wants what you want.

If you don't, you'll be handwringing for years over all this and begging a man to move in with you when you've already been told more than once NO. You can't force him.

You are wasting your good years on 1 man in this world. & unfairly teaching your children to see him as their saviour and bringer of joy too, when he's not even a father figure. They just know him as he's with you, youre not living family life in a family home with him.

I really hope you're not showing them that you come to life only when he is around, and your family happiness depends upon that. Otherwise inside they'll feel they're not enough to make you happy in their own right, in a different way from your relationship with him.

Therapy would help you

When you contacted him after 6 months, the message he got ( despite what you thought you were saying) was 'I am ready to take you on, on your terms.' You gave in and contacted him.

He's told you how he feels.

He drops in and out of you and your DCs lives on a whim. I do believe he is 'great' with them- like the typical, childless men in their 40s, 50s and older- who are quite happy to get down to some 'fun' with someone's kids, but really don't want the whole day to day family stuff.

Just think about what he has done and take off the rose tinted specs. He is not your saviour, your knight on a white horse come to rescue you, the perfect dad for your kids. You might LIKE him to be those, but he's just a cowardly, commitmentphobe.

Anyone ONE of these actions ought to have been a dealbreaker:

-He ran when you were pregnant with his child
-He backed out of renting somewhere (?) on the day you were due to move in (hope to God you weren't buying together- that bit's unclear.)
-He has contacted other women and has had an emotional or flirty affair going on.

How is he so wonderful?

Please stop wishing he will come good and deliver what you want.
He won't.

Hope you're OK OP

He sounds a lot like my ex. Was perfectly happy to never live together or commit in any way and never posted photos or updates of us on social media.

He used Facebook as a way of finding women to chat up and cheat with, so explains why he never mentioned me on there.

Run and don't look back OP, things won't get better...

You could just accept having him in your life but living separately. Whats the issue with that?