Do you take back the man that saved you, yet hurt you?

[Wakingwillow23]

I apologise in advance for this lengthy thread. I don’t know how to condense want I am currently going through, I am torn, confused, hurting and lost. And I’m hoping I can get some clear headed advice. For those of you who take the time to read this... thank you.

I am 7 years divorced and have 3 incredibly amazing DC. I went through a horrific divorce with a history of domestic violence. Myself and DC victims.

2 years after I left my ex DH, Overwhelmed, confused and going through some pretty tough times, I unexpectedly met someone. It happened when I was least ready, nor looking. Despite him being the most generous, kind and amazing person, I had reasons at the time I felt I shouldn’t get involved. 1. I was in a phase of complete healing. I was broken. Damaged. And struggled with the concept of putting such a wonderful and kind person through what I was going through. 2. I was overly protective of my DC and what they had been through. I hesitated letting another man into their lives. 3. He had never been married. No children. And he was about to step into a newly divorced woman’s life, with 3 little kids and a life full of baggage. How could that possibly work? 4. He was exceptionally good looking, successful, kind, generous. I mean perfect. Why was he single still in his 40’s?
I knocked him back. Politely. He insisted. He pushed. He’d fallen for me. He told me it was his decision if he could handle everything and help unpack the baggage. He said he wanted to.

So I caved and this man became the father figure to my children only a woman could ever dream of for her kids. He loved them as his own. He loved me. He supported me. Backed me. He never tired of anything. He cooked dinner when days were tough. He took my kids to school on mornings I couldn’t get out of bed. He held me when I lay in foetal position. He saved me from taking my life. He stayed. He listened. He loved. He never left. My DC loved and adored him more than life itself. To say he was perfect was an understatement. And after 4 years together, I unexpectedly fell pregnant.

He didn’t want the baby. I was heartbroken. Although not planned, I wanted this more than anything. My DC were enough for him. He loved them as his own, and to use his words, he became an instant dad to 3. Why would he want to change that? He didn’t think he’d cope. Part of me understood. Part of me didn’t. I couldn’t question his love and commitment to me. But he didn’t want our baby? And Nothing was going to change his mind.

6 weeks later I miscarried. I was devastated. He was relieved. He said had I had the baby, he would of course naturally, have stuck by my side and been there. He wouldn’t abandon me, or the baby. BUT - he still wouldn’t move in with us and be a family. He was here maybe 5 or 6 nights a week. But he wouldn’t move in. 4 years later, and he was stalling to take that next step to be a family. I started to resent him. I became angry and somewhat aggressive towards him at times. We’d fight. We’d have a break and after 48 hours we’d always be back. There was no denying how much we loved each other.

We were both unhappy. But both still loved each other and cared very much for one another. A year ago, While on holiday together I came across en email he had sent to an ex girlfriend. Explicit. Devastating. I walked with my 3 DC and told him it was over. I could never trust him again. How many other emails had there been? How many Other women? How could he do this to me and my DC? I was just broken beyond repair. 6 Months later I found myself forgiving him. His remorse was so much that he didn’t know how to even look me in the face. He’d messed up. He never tried to deny it, hide it. Make excuses. He simply copped what he’d done. And I forgave him. He begged for me to take him back and told me he’d do anything. He would move in and be a family. He Simply couldn’t live without me and the DC. I at that point I couldn’t have been happier. He’d changed my world. And now he was dis lily wanting to be a family.

We found a new home, and the day we were to move he pulled the pin. He couldn’t do it. He felt overwhelmed. As much as he loved me and the kids, he struggled with it all. Taking on 3 young children. He needed the break once in a while. He didn’t know how to cope with it all. He told me he was also scarred from the hurt I put him through with my divorce. He loved me.... but he also found it hard and exhausting. I get that. I do. It was the reason I resisted from day 1. Again I walked. This time for good. I requested no contact, which he respected. And we moved on with our lives. Or tried to. Eventually We’d always make excuses to make contact. The DC or this or that. But I refused to go back. He’d hurt me, and I’d hurt him. Until we weeks ago, out of the blue, I messaged him and asked him to come over. The first time I’d seen him in nearly 6 months. I missed him. It a day went by I didn’t eat him here with me.
He was over within 5 minutes and today we find ourselves wondering if we can make it work. I’ve never seen the DC so happy in so Long to see him. ! Love I don’t think an issue. Not from my end. But is love enough? Why didn’t he fight for me and my babies when we left? It was me who went back. He would have respected my wishes and let me move on.

Part of me feels he wants the perfect balance in life. The beautiful family life, and then the days to be a boy, the single boy. Free of the commitment.

I never once in our 5 years together featured on his social media. Why? And wonder, who was he hiding me from? I’m terrified, scared and still so desperately in love with this man. I don’t know if I can trust him. I dont know why he wants to come back. I don’t know why he also can’t let me go. As much as I can’t let him go. We say we are soul mates, yet are we? He struggles to make that final commitment. And I think that’s something I need. Although he says of course, its what he wants to work towards. But he also said that for 5 years.

I couldn’t go through all of this again to have my heart so broken again. Nor could my DC. Or do I walk away and wonder how amazing it could have been had we given it one. Ore chance?

I don’t doubt his love, but I doubt his fear of commitment. So so confused, and hurting right now. My family, as much as they adored him, tell me he will never commit and I am only leading myself into more heartache.

@catastrophe you’re enjoying this aren’t you? Yeah pretty much. After what they’d been through with their father. Yes. Would out like me to Explain in detail what he did to them for you to understand? You might have seen in on the news a few years back. Pretty heartbreaking. It thanks again for your kind words.

My DC loved and adored him more than life itself

This is the sort of drama llama stuff that is really unhelpful, your children need calm and stability, not you ratcheting the emotions up to 11 over your on again/off again relationship.

Really, this is not the romance of the century, he is not a knight in shining armour who saved you. He does not want to commit, so enjoy a casual relationship or break up. But give your children a break and make up your mind - the last 5 years sound like they have been all over the place for them.

I still do not understand what you want exactly? If you want your heart to stop being broken or whatever, then you need to accept that there is no relationship Yeah, it will be tough and hurt, but millions of women have done it and survived and gone on to far better things.

You should have been involved, and your involvement should have been to ensure he ceased contact with them in a kind and considerate way.

Instead you admit you used the DC as an excuse to make contact.

You've been through a lot, but so have your children. This man, no matter how good his intentions seem just now, they will not stand up forever. You may want to think he can't live without you and your DC, but he can, and he will.

Op you need to focus on yourself and your own healing. You have been through a hell of a lot and you need to look after yourself. This man is not committed to you. He dangles carrots in front of you and then pulls the rug out from under you when it suits him. You need to break away from him.he is not your children's father and they don't need him doing the same to them when it suits him. Please look after yourself and speak to a counsellor or therapist to give you perspective.

Stop romanticising this

He’s a common or garden dickhead. You aren’t Romeo and Juliet

You contacted him. It isn't like he contacted you explaining he had time to think about this and I want to be with you and want to make it work.

In the circs, sorry to say that if you make another go of it you'll likely be the one making the compromises. If he genuinely cared he would know whether he genuinely sees a future with you by now rather than trying to keep his options open.

And as for social media, my husband and I don't really use Facebook and the like but we're on each other's pages although not marked as "in relationship" so the fact you're not mentioned at all is weird.

You’re crediting him with saving you but you saved you. You were strong enough to leave your ex so don’t credit him for that.

You say you couldn’t believe he was single in his forties. Well maybe there was a reason for that. How old is he now and he’s still avoiding commitment? He’s not this perfect person, he’s a selfish, emotionally avoidant twat. He has been unfaithful. And now he’s jerking you and your children around, with full knowledge of the awful time you all had with your ex. That’s unforgiveable.

See this guy for what he is. And see yourself for who you are - a loyal loving person who deserves more.

Did you have a difficult childhood OP?

Too much drama.

Too much involvement of children. You started dating him five years ago. He has never lived with you. You broke up but you allow your 13 year old daughter to contact him and meet him independently of you. The younger ones too? That is wrong for many reasons.

Your children have seen only bad models of relationships. Only bad complicated breakups due to bad boundaries. Show them how to do it right. End it properly. Tell the DC he is out of your life because he cheated on you. Stop the inappropriate hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. Stop acting like he was ever their step-father.

You sound addicted to the drama, like you don't know what a good relationship is actually like. Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

I am sorry for what you went through with your ex but as orhers say you arw being too dramatic over this relationship and also in denial.

He cheated on you and he kept you secret. That is not true love.
The point about your dc loving him more than life is just wrong...a 13 year old should love his life more.
If you have been so low it must have been terrifying for your dc. Do you have any support other than him?
Maybe he was helpful at a low point in your life but he is not the answer, you need to find your own resilience. It will be there.

I read this thinking it was some romance story, the way it is written is so idealised and ‘dreamy’ and I can’t imagine that’s what it’s actually like in real life it sounds more like a nightmare

I honestly have serious doubts about a man who can do this to a woman so clearly fragile and damaged as yourself by what has happened to you. I don’t doubt that he’s attractive and financially well off and he likes your D.C. but he’s selfish through and through - anyone who truely loved you would do what is right for your emotional well-being and stop trying to pull you back to him. There are people out there who just love being wanted and needed but you aren’t going to get your ideal fantasy ending - he’s not going to live with you, he’s not going to marry you and he’s maybe not going to be with you forever.
Either you live in the ‘now’ taking what is on offer or you end it. Living in the now is unhealthy for the D.C. they should be separate from all this heartache completely

So much drama and hyperbole, sounds as though your trying to convince yourself it's some great love story when actually it's all pretty standard commitment phobic, having cake and eat it, not that into you business.

He has lied to you, cheated on you and won't make a commitment. Nothing in what you describe sounds kind, wonderful or generous.

Please put your energy into helping yourself and your DC, not this man. He isn't worth it. Really.

I have to agree with Sheep.

Also he was also scarred from the hurt I put him through with my divorce is pretty shitty of him. Low.

I put it to you you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Read Lundy Bancroft? Please do.

He is a common or garden twat, sorry. That cheating - he'll do it again. You're not caught in loves young dream. You sound addicted to him - sadly that is very common. Try SLAA and/or CoDA. It's an unhealthy dynamic between you.

Join the queue! Many are. But you can and must do something about it because you have kids and they need to see some healthy relating. Or at least a healthy mother with a healthy relationship with herself.

You can do this. Lay Romeo to rest and get yourself a steady life 🌸

Don't your Children have a relationship with their 'actual' Father or did I misunderstand .. not for the first time on MN tonight I might add...

Sorry but I tuned out the second you started talking about him and your children's relationship

I have no words

There are some nasty buggers on this forum! What help do you think you’re contributing with such sharp criticism and downright belittlement?

That said, I guess everyone has an opinion and not everyone wants to be kind.

OP. You’ve been through an awful time and clearly took comfort from the fact a man ‘loved’ you and your kids.

Unfortunately, this man does sound like it’s all on his terms and he sounds really selfish. People will hit out at what they see as you not helping yourself and what is oh so easy to say but not so easy to follow up on - I.e. walk and don’t look back. But after 5 years and a load of blatant fuckery (commitment phobia) and you and the kids being at his whim when he feels like it, I think you could do better by yourself and move on without him.

I think you need to remember to value yourself, you don’t read like you do and rely on yourself - you had a life before him and survived a bad part of it by all accounts and actually - just move on from this one. You need an equal with shared values. There is a type of man love playing the part but always managing to keep themselves free - just in case!

The fact you and the kids are never on his social media speaks volumes about him and what he’s putting out. He’s playing at grown-ups isn’t he? And then running off to be the single bloke not quite in on the deal properly.

If you can call quits on this, you will be free to find someone who does want the whole deal.

He may have offered you comfort, but try to see that he didn’t save you. He provided a distraction and sold you a dream he wasn’t ever going to deliver...it’s kept you hooked and he’s played your vulnerability.

You could accept him/the relationship as it is. If you want him then this is what he is and this is all you’re getting. Ever. He’s had enough chances at the whole deal and has declined.

The kids may like him, but they may like your next partner more. Have you considered he’s using the kids in this by knowing you’ll be thinking of them wanting him around?

Surprise him. Tell him to be off, be free and tell him you want to be free to find someone who wants the lot.

And mean it. Because he’s given his best and I’m not sure it’s good enough. He should be grateful to you for putting up with him and for letting him in, not painting himself a hero by saving you. Don’t give him that accolade. He hasn’t earned it.

Did you meet his family and friends in those 5 years?

The way it reads is that he didn't want the full on commitment... and liked having the time to be a single man and message other women.

After the abuse you suffered...he still did this to you. He didnt want a baby...meaning he could walk away from the relationship if it got too much for him.

I think your guy was right initially.

I barely know any single...good looking... fantastic men. So I reckon he was single for a reason. One reason might be because he didn't want kids of his own...so you were perfect with the insta family.

I don't think it will.end well if you get back with him...and my issue wouldnt be him moving in...it's the lack of trust he's created..texting other women.

I'd be fine if I was divorced with kids living on my own.

I'm sorry for the abuse you and the DC suffered from your EX. It sounds bad from little you've said.

You sound like you're still very vulnerable and he's taking advantage.
Please give yourself and kids freedom from this emotional leach and focus on dealing the trauma of what happened to your family.
Until you had appropriate therapy you'll always be stuck in chaotic and trauma-feecing situations.
EMDR is a very good therapy for PTSD.
Wishing you all the best.

Sorry but I think you’re being a little dramatic (kids love him more than life) and you both have issues. He’s messed you around several times so walk away. It’s not going to work. Sort yourself out first then think about a relationship.

Op, however great you think he is, he's made it very clear he's not interested in having dc with you or living with you. That's what it boils down to.

Tbh I think you could use doing the freedom programme and working on your relationship boundaries. It's quite classic behaviour to fall into another turbulent relationship too fast after coming out of domestic violence.

As a pp suggested. If you love him and want him too be in your life are you happy to compromise?

My mother is a devorcee with three kids. She has now been with her new man foe neatly 20 years. They however live legally seperate lives. No combined finances or property. Not married. He 'lives' at her house 4/5 nights a week but has other places to go as he works sometimes in other places but he has his own space at hers to use as an office and contributes to the bills for this. They go out for food. Go on holiday together (split the cost)

They are both happy and have their own families and so don't want the hassle of a combined life but do want companionship.

It's all very dramatic isn't it?

I think you need to go into therapy for you.

Your descriptions of this experience read like something out of a Mills and Boon romance- not real life.

You put this guy on a pedestal. He turns up out of the blue on his white horse, woos you, 'saves' your life, is everything to your children ( it's just mad to say your DD loved him more than life itself- how on earth could a child express that or you perceive it?)

How unhealthy for a child to feel like that anyway- please don't bring her up to be a drama queen and have these kind of thoughts (even if these are your words, not hers.)

He sounds like a commitment-phobe and maybe a narc. Even though he had this 'perfect' life with you, he needed adoration elsewhere.

He sounds as if he was playing a game- all shallow and superficial.

He won't commit now. His reaction to your pregnancy said it all. For me that would have been the end of it. It told you everything you need to know.

You clearly have MH issues. Fix those with therapy and try to keep him out of your life.

You don't need 'rescuing', which is the role he filled- you can be a strong woman on your own until and if you want a man who can commit.

I think you're messing your kids around and overly romanticising your own life.