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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

boyfriend hysterically crying - is he unstable?

90 replies

Riveroftears · 06/10/2018 16:47

ok so this is a bit of an odd one. I’ve been exclusive with this guy for two months but have had a gut feeling he might not fully be over his ex. They split up eight months ago - she left him for another man and he said he was heartbroken.

He has brought her up a few times since I’ve known him but it’s just been trash talking. He is clearly very bitter about the split. Last night out of the blue he asked me what the most weight is I’ve lost after a break up (bit of a strange question I thought) and then he told me he lost four stone in a month when his ex left him, he couldn’t eat, sleep etc.

Tbh id had enough of hearing about his heartbreak and I pulled him up on it and asked him outright if he was ready to start dating again. He said he definitely was and I just said it made me uncomfortable how often he bangs on about his ex and that maybe we should call it a day.

He then burst into tears and was crying hysterically saying he’s over her and he felt really bad for making me feel uncomfortable. It was one of the most awkward moments, we were at his house and there he was sobbing his heart out saying he was over his ex but was angry at her for leaving him for another man and embarrassing him like that. Then he started going on about how he feels like an outsider and an oddball and how he has never fitted in. I tried to console him and he calmed down after a while but I’m left wondering wtf to do now. He seems very broken and a a bit unstable but If I leave him I will be another woman who has upped and left him.

He is 31 btw. One of my friends thinks he sounds manipulative, crying cos he was worried I was going to leave him but I’m not sure if that’s the case here?

OP posts:

TurnipCake · 06/10/2018 18:00

In that case, prepare for his outrage and disbelief over you breaking it off with him

3stonedown · 06/10/2018 18:00

Yeah I'm no medical professional but 4 stone in a month isn't possible is it.

I dated someone like this. He split from a long term girlfriend and she immediately started seeing someone else (married quickly too). He has drifted from relationship to relationship for years. Some a couple of months, some a year, we all look like her. Really odd! He was nice enough but was obsessed with her. I'm glad I saw that quickly.

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 18:00

The bottom line op is he's with you and thinking of her. To a level he can't control himself and cries hysterically.

He then starts his own pity party about not fitting in.

Then gets all clingy and begging not to be dumped.

Two months in. A few weeks.

Whether he is mentally unwell, and I would say it's likely, possibly depression, or he's just in a black hole because of the split is unknown.

But what we can say, is that eight months after they split to be constantly mentioning her to a new partner and crying hysterically about it, isn't normal, healthy, or any other good thing.

And if he cries hysterically in front of you, how many times is he doing it alone?

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/10/2018 18:04

You're his third girlfriend in eight months since having his heart 'broken'? Bloody hell, he's going for it! And introducing them to his parents in such a short time? He's desperately trying to pretend he's ok and failing miserably!

The other two wised up, and you need to too! No good can come of this. The quicker you get out of this relationship the better. Be prepared for tears, manipulative begging and declarations of love/need, and refusal to accept the breakup. Do not enter into discussion and reasons, state your case (in a public place), leave and block. Or next week you'll be introduced to his parents too.

Lynne1Cat · 06/10/2018 18:09

Depression is strange - it can creep up without you realising, and often a person doesn't recognise it in themselves. Other people may notice it. It is also difficult to accept that you're not coping with things, and men especially don't like to admit that they need help. My son has been like this, and he's all sorted now.

Good luck to him - and to you too x

Original poster

Riveroftears · 06/10/2018 18:09

Prior to the ex girlfriend he has been in back to back relationships constantly from the age of 20. I think this is a pattern of behaviour - he breaks up with someone and jumps straight in with someone new without properly mourning/dealing with the previous relationship. He is a mess really.

I do deserve better and I’m going to break it off.

OP posts:

WhingyNinja · 06/10/2018 18:13

You need to break things off with him and realise you're not responsible for fixing him. His outrage at your mentioning depression makes me think he's being defensive because he knows this isn't a typical response to a breakup 8 months ago.

I do sympathise, break ups are awful but you're wasting your time with this chap at this particular stage in his life.

I actually audibly groaned when I read that he called you by her name during his outburst last night. Fuck that!

WhingyNinja · 06/10/2018 18:14

Good luck with breaking it off. I hope he takes some time to let himself grieve and I hope you meet someone who is ready for a relationship with YOU.

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 18:25

It's the right decision, for both your sakes, but it will be a hard conversation, don't let him emotionally black Mail you, because I strongly suspect he will make it as hard for you as possible.

Someone more sensitive than me will advise on what to say, as I'd just be all, it's over dude, laters.

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 18:27

I'm not sure I believe he lost 4 stones in a month...but hey ho.

He's not ready to date...He's not over her and you're not obligated to stay with him. You don't owe him anything.

He's wasting your time.

SandyY2K · 06/10/2018 18:28

I do deserve better and I’m going to break it off.

Good call.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/10/2018 18:34

I'd let him go gently and explain to him that he should probably seek counseling to get over his ex before he tries anymore relationships.

It's not just that he's not over his ex, it's that he obviously isn't able to have a healthy relationship. Crying hysterically and trying to make someone feel responsible for his happiness isn't healthy.

Allfednonedead · 06/10/2018 18:39

I’m totally on board with all the LTB comments, but I’m staggered everyone is casting doubt on the weight loss story.
When my ex dumped me, I lost two stone in less than a week. And I wasn’t overweight. If a man were tall and a bit on the chubby side, four stone doesn’t sound like too much of a stretch.

SomeKnobend · 06/10/2018 18:45

He was probably mostly crying at the thought of being single when the ex now has a boyfriend. For so many reasons this is just not working, I'd end it asap.

Joysmum · 06/10/2018 18:59

To lose 1lb of fat requires a deficit of 3,500kcals.

Even if we generously allow an additional 14lbs for glycogen and water and assume his maintenance calorie intake is a very generous 3,500 a day, that’s still only 3st 3lbs loss in one month assuming he only lived on water!

misses point of thread completely

DaysLikeThis1 · 06/10/2018 19:17

It is possible to lose that much weight very quickly. I lost 4 stones in approx 6 weeks after my ex left me with a mass of financial problems. Admittedly I had been overweight, my gp was concerned and did tests (including a lung X-ray). It was due to the horrendous stress I was under.
However, he is obviously not in a good place and may need more help than you are able to give. Not a good start to a new relationship. I’d think seriously about what is best for you OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2018 19:23

If I leave him I will be another woman who has upped and left him.

Or you can be the one mug who stayed, even though he's obsessed with someone else and a bit crap.

LegalEagle99 · 06/10/2018 19:28

More so OP the way he talks very negatively about his ex is also very telling. No one knows the true nature of a relationship except the 2 people in it and I think it says a lot about a person and their personality traits when they are negative about an ex.

Hope you get a clean break and he gets some help!

Cawfee · 06/10/2018 19:50

😱
Serial dater.
No single time,
Big red flag.
Dump dump dump

Original poster

Riveroftears · 07/10/2018 09:39

To the posters who said he was try to get me to stay when I ended it you were spot on.

Broke up with him last night and he cried hysterically again. Said I can’t leave him and that he’s falling in love with me He was in a really bad way, sobbing and ranting about how much he likes me and how he can’t let me go. Started ranting about how he’s been abandoned his whole life. It was quite troubling to see actually, I did feel really sorry for him.

I was firm and said it’s over and he accused me of being cold and ‘emotionally bankrupt.’ He then called his MUM and sobbed down the phone to her. I’ve blocked him now.

Woke up this morning thinking WTF but think I’ve had a lucky escape.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 07/10/2018 09:47

Dear god, he sounds too much! Well done op on nipping this in the bud, you needs this stupid drama

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/10/2018 09:50

Well done and absolutely the right decision for you. For me, he has all the early warning signs of a controller.

Don't feel sorry for him. A Pp (Blanche) picked up on something that also stuck out to me:
..but was angry at her for leaving him for another man and embarrassing him like that. He's not nursing a broken heart, it's all about his bruised ego.

Blankspace4 · 07/10/2018 09:50

His mother has to put up with it (to an extent!). You CERTAINLY don’t. You’ve been kind, humoured this for too long already, suggested he seek help.

This isn’t what dating is all about. Very well done you for breaking it off. Now block his number!!!

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2018 10:18

Oh dear. He doesn't sound like he's in a good place mentally. I'm sure logically he knows you can't emotionally blackmail people to be with you. I feel a bit for his mother, it must be hard to deal with really, to see your 31 year old son like this, and hopefully she can try to get him some help.

Alternatively, this is who he is, he's always behaved this way and never grown out of it.

Either way, it was the right thing to do, and well done for holding firm.

MarthasGinYard · 07/10/2018 10:19

Get out

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