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Original poster

I'm married but I still love my ex

57 replies

awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:12

An ex and I were together for two years over a decade ago and I had other relationships since. He was absolutely "the one who got away". I was 19 at the time, him 26. I went off to uni and he went abroad for work. We were totally in love, besotted even.

Fast forward to now. I'm 30 with two kids and married to another man. Yes I love him, yes he's a good dad, yes we're happy but he's not him.

Ex is now 37, also (unhappily) married with a child.

We still speak a few times a month on WhatsApp and a few times a year on the phone, have done for all these years. We often reminisce but we haven't seen each other for about 6 years and both agree that we shouldn't. We're not on any social media together.

I'm being stupid aren't I feeling like this when it's so obviously ended? I don't want to betray my husband and I wouldn't, nor do I want him to jeopardise his relationship albeit he's not happy in it (cultural differences).

We've tried saying "enough's enough" and blocking/deleting each other but we still know each other's numbers off by heart!

I'm not up with dreams and their significance but we dream about each other all the time. Not sexually, just in a really warm, comforting way.

Anyway I just needed to offload. Thanks if you've got this far.

OP posts:
Villagelifer · 06/10/2018 06:21

It's sad that you feel like that.
Was distance the only reason to go your separate ways?
Why did you not carry on seeing each other, or go through this stage after uni?
Does your DH know about your current friendship?

Original poster
awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:27

Yes Sad we were both in London then I went up north and he went to the states for work. Initially he was only going for a year so we stayed long distance but then his contract got renewed and he stayed another three years before coming home. It was too much and our lives went in different directions.

Dh doesn't know. His wife knows about me but she doesn't like me, apparently due to jealousy. Of what though I don't know.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 06/10/2018 06:28

You are betraying your husband though, you’re consciously in love with another man and remaining in contact with him. You need to change your number so he can’t message you and never contact him again if you want your marriage to work. Continuing contact with your ex is seriously risking what you have. Do you think your DH would be fine with all of this if he knew?

ArrivisteRevolt · 06/10/2018 06:28

You are in love with being 19 and you are pouring you fantasies into this non-relationship.

You have to stop. You are destroying your own family and his.

You married your DH because you loved him and you can still have that.

The thing with your ex is a destructive dream.

Original poster
awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:30

^^ Yes you're both right. But I can't explain it. I still love him and have all the "what ifs". We've never forgotten each other's birthdays etc in 11 years. It makes me really sad to think of never hearing from him again. He's a wonderful friend.

OP posts:
daphine2004 · 06/10/2018 06:35

He doesn’t appear to be just a friend if you’re in love with him. You need to think about what you want and do the right thing. If you want to explore a future with your ex you shouldn’t be with your husband.

If you want to be in a happy, love filled marriage, it’s best that you end this emotional affair, as that’s what this is. You’re not 100% in your marriage and that’s massively unfair.

GaraMedouar · 06/10/2018 06:39

Hi OP, I know how hard it is, I have almost the same situation. Except my ex is in a relationship now and I am currently single. We just haven't been single at the same time to get back together. Also logistically it just wouldn't work practically, we know that, I have 3 kids, work full time etc.
He is definitely the one that got away for me. I will always adore him (from afar)

You are in a happy marriage. These are all what ifs. I think you have to go no contact. Completely. Otherwise it will eat away at you.

Original poster
awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:43

I know I need to. I'm typing this thread with silent tears rolling down my eyes whilst my husband is sleeping. Excuse me for sounding irrational but saying goodbye to him would be like mourning. I know I have to but it's going to break me - and him. He's been my best friend, my confidante, knows everything about me and I him for all this time. I'll always adore him.

OP posts:
Original poster
awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:47

Oh and "our last summer" is in my head from Mamma Mia. Fitting.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 06/10/2018 06:47

I agree about that you're already betraying your husband.

So, what's to be done? One or the other or stay in this turmoil. Being with your ex, is this even an option?

GetOnYerBike · 06/10/2018 06:52

I don't want to betray my husband you are betraying him.

You are in love with the idea of being with this man, not the practicalities of going through a divorce, then being divorced a parent and not spending Christmas day with your children every other year as they spend it with your ex husband. Plus old boyfriend also has a child.

So when you do the what ifs does it involve a messy divorce, the issues surrounding juggling contact for all children involved, finances, where you will live, missing your children on a regular basis, your ex husband getting remarried and having a loving and happy relationship with another woman who your children adore?

Stop this now. Change your number, tell him to change his. Remember him on his birthday but put all your thoughts into your marriage and be happy with what you have. The grass is not always greener and at this stage in your life you come with a lot of baggage and so does he. If it was meant to be you would have found a way to be together. You are not. Let it go.

Original poster
awkwardsitch · 06/10/2018 06:52

No it's not an option. My kids need their dad, his daughter needs her mum. We couldn't break up our families. We haven't even seen each other for 6 years. Distance wise, we're probably about 40miles apart but even so, it's not an option.

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 06/10/2018 06:52

It is an emotional affair and very unfair on your DH, and kids by extension. I’d be furious and deeply hurt if my DH was doing what you’re doing, in theory enough to leave.

So you need to either leave and try making it work with this man (awful choice as I suspect it’s all a fantasy and you’d destroy your family in the process) or block him and stop this selfish shit.

Unicornandbows · 06/10/2018 06:53

It's really up to you op either your husband or him.

How would you feel if your husband had another lover on the side? Would you care? Would you be relieved?

You need to speak with your husband because at the end of the day you are technically having an emotional affair with someone else.

Villagelifer · 06/10/2018 06:53

OP you shouldn't live your life feeling trapped but you should think things through. You had a close relationship when you were young and then life moved on. Now you have "what ifs". But what sort of a partner would he be in real life? Paying bills, looking after kids and splitting housework? He doesn't appear to have made career choices that would enable you to be together. He's upsetting his wife by talking to you. I know you are hurting but I don't see how can't have this relationship and save your marriage.
Trust and emotional closeness are the basis of marriage and you are not sharing that with your husband.
Your husband has actually made the choice to bind his life to yours. Not just call when he has a free slot. Think about that.

Tara336 · 06/10/2018 06:53

Do not continue with this the reality is nothing like the fantasy of getting back with an ex. What he’s giving you is an escape from the day to day boring bits of life, the grass is not greener as eventually your life with him would be the same day to day drudgery. You are risking your marriage and your children’s security and happiness for nothing. His marriage and unhappiness is his problem not yours. Block his number, go completely NC and sort your marriage out (which doesn’t stand a chance with this ex on the scene)

artio0 · 06/10/2018 07:05

If you love your husband and your kids I'd stop contact to your ex, it's not fair on them and there's no benefit for you in it either.

You're imagining some possible fantasy relationship with someone you never see and basing it on memories from when you were 19 and a few text messages and phone calls... It's easy to be perfect for a few interactions on whatsapp, that's not a relationship. It's sad that your ex is unhappily married but that's none of your concern really. Years ago you decided your love wasn't enough to stay together and that's that. I really think it's unfair to your husband to keep up what you've been doing when it makes you feel this way. How can a real relationship, everyday life along with all of life's difficulties and worries compete with a teenage fantasy?

sadiesnakes · 06/10/2018 07:06

His wife knows about me but she doesn't like me, apparently due to jealousy. Of what though I don't know.

Of course she's jealous? You are both basically having an EA. You sound bitter towards her, and she's done nothing wrong, this makes me think you're a selfish person and only caught up in how you feel and not what you are doing to your own dh or her. So no sympathy from me.

Vitalogy · 06/10/2018 07:12

My kids need their dad, his daughter needs her mum. Staying together for the children is it to be then.

HereIgoagainxx · 06/10/2018 07:19

I agree, you know exactly why his wife is jealous. You are keeping this emotional affair from your husband so you are also being deceitful.

You need to stop losing yourself in fantasy and get back to the real world. You are married to another man with a family. You risk losing that if your husband finds out.

Imagine if you found out your husband had an ex he secretly engaged with and pined for.?

You need to own your behaviour, not play the 'woe is me' card

gendercritter · 06/10/2018 07:23

The Mamma Mia thing....you are clearly totally indulging in fantasy. You're a grown woman. Your ex will have flaws and bad qualities of his own and I don't think any relationship with him would be like what you're imagining.

I would feel very angry if I was your husband and I found out about your moping over someone else. You are having an emotional affair despite the limited contact. Your husband deserves better. Get rid of this other man's number (don't even text a big dramatic goodbye) and get on with your life. If in a year your partner isn't right for you then leave but don't carry on in this manner betraying your family

LizzieSiddal · 06/10/2018 07:28

You are having an emotional affair and need to stop it.

Either cut contact with your ex or divorce your H.

I feel very sorry for your H and his wife.

Sleephead1 · 06/10/2018 07:30

It sounds awful for bith of ylu and while o do believe we should all try to make the relationship work if possible i also dont believe you have to stay if you are no longer happy. You only get one life of you both still feel this way after all these years and love each other then why don't you both separate from your partners and take some time apart them start going out again. Just because you aren't together doesn't mean the other parents won't still be involved.

WallisFrizz · 06/10/2018 07:30

You can’t have been as in love as you thought for the relationship to have broken down in the first place. You were 19 and besotted. He was 26 and chose to move abroad...bet you wouldn’t have gone abroad. He wasn’t as in love then and he probably isn’t now.
You sound very dramatic, this would be a disaster if you pursued it. Stop it and focus on you family which includes ceasing contact.

NomorebloodyBing · 06/10/2018 07:45

Sorry to sound harsh here but pull yourself together love!

You are happily married to a man you love and yet your pissing about having an emotional affair!? What the actual fuck. You’re not 19 OP!

Look either leave your husband and start your life as a single parent -which is a barrel of laughs by the way- dating this ex of yours (if and when he leaves his wife)...

Or come clean to your husband and deal with the consequences. It’s not too late to act like a decent human being.

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