I'm married but I still love my ex

[awkwardsitch]

An ex and I were together for two years over a decade ago and I had other relationships since. He was absolutely "the one who got away". I was 19 at the time, him 26. I went off to uni and he went abroad for work. We were totally in love, besotted even.

Fast forward to now. I'm 30 with two kids and married to another man. Yes I love him, yes he's a good dad, yes we're happy but he's not him.

Ex is now 37, also (unhappily) married with a child.

We still speak a few times a month on WhatsApp and a few times a year on the phone, have done for all these years. We often reminisce but we haven't seen each other for about 6 years and both agree that we shouldn't. We're not on any social media together.

I'm being stupid aren't I feeling like this when it's so obviously ended? I don't want to betray my husband and I wouldn't, nor do I want him to jeopardise his relationship albeit he's not happy in it (cultural differences).

We've tried saying "enough's enough" and blocking/deleting each other but we still know each other's numbers off by heart!

I'm not up with dreams and their significance but we dream about each other all the time. Not sexually, just in a really warm, comforting way.

Anyway I just needed to offload. Thanks if you've got this far.

His poor wife! Your poor husband!
They all deserve the truth.

I think you've blown this up in your head to be more than it really was. I mean if you were so "in love" you wouldn't have moved away from each other for years and married other people. You're being very disingenuous to say you don't know why the wife is jealous. You've been having an emotional affair with her husband for years. TBH you're acting like a selfish teenager

Your kids need their dad?
What makes you think this good father is not going to be the one who gets custody of his children when it all comes crashing down. He sounds like the most responsible parent in this, not you.

Given how long since you’ve seen this man, I’d say you’re in love with your life at 19 not this guy you don’t actually know. I know life can be mundane at times, well quite often actually but try making your reality more fulfilling, don’t pursue this and wreck the good things you can’t recognise

I feel really sorry for your husband and his wife.
You are full of self pity. All the while you are having an emotional affair and cant see why his wife doesnt like you? Really

Tell your husband he deserves to know, let him meet someone who is loyal to him and genuinely cares. Instead of someone living a lie and creeping behind his back.

Thing is though your ex is not 'The One'...
you went your separate ways for a reason. Neither of you actually made the sacrifices required those years ago to stay together so you can't have really been as much in love as you think you were.
Your DH now.. you have family together, roots, a life and a story. That is love OP. That's what really means something.
I'm not unsympathetic but it seems you are just remembering a time in your life when you were young, carefree and the world was full of possibility. Maybe it's that you are really missing, not this man?

For once I agree with every post.
This is all excellent advise.

(Well maybe not tell your husband - think that would cause pain to your dh and he's done nothing wrong )

But if this guy loved you he would not have split up with you in the first place.
If he loved you now he would leave his wife and be with you now - but he doesn't.
He doesn't because - shock - he doesn't want to .,..,

Why would you want to be with a man who had proved so many times he doesn't really love you ???

And if he's such a good man why is he moaning to an ex gf about how unhappy he is ?
Why isn't he rolling up his sleeves and working on his own life and marriage?
(One of life's moaners / victims)

You are probably just a bit of escapism and ego boosting NOT some romantic lost love.
Would you really want to be married to someone like that ?

We all have the one that got away.
And there is a reason for that.
Ask anyone lol

So look to what you do have :

2 wonderful children
A loyal and supportive partner
Your health
Friends
Job
Money

Life is what you make it
Good marriage take hard work
But is the most rewarding thing

And as your children grow in to
Healthy adults you know you made the right choice :)
Good luck

Message received. Thank you everyone for responding. I've known all along but guess I needed to hear (see!) it from others.

Today I'm going to compose a message with the bottom line of "goodbye".

It's my wedding anniversary tomorrow. I want to embrace it fully so it seems a good a time as any although I know I'll find it really really hard to not hear from him again. I love hearing how his little girl is doing, his job etc just the normals.

My marriage isn't perfect by any means but really and truly, who's is?

Jealousy of what though?

You're having an emotional affair with her husband.
For everyone's sake stop this now. Invest in your marriage or leave.

Well done for stopping contact OP.

It ends up being a disaster

His wife doesn't like you because your involvement in their marriage is one of the reasons, or perhaps the reason, she has an unhappy marriage.

What you are doing is shitty. Did your husband or his wife agree to be in a marriage where their partners love someone else but just staying around for the kids? Or did they think they were marrying the love of their lives? Do they both agree to wasting their life loving people who love someone else?

I would be furious and hurt if I were them. To find out the person I love has just settled for me, doesn't really love me but is quite happy to sit there and stop me finding someone who actually does love me. To find out the person I think is my life partner would actually prefer someone else but will carry on the charade without telling me it's just for show.

You are betraying your spouses. In the worst way. I think this is just as bad as if you want out and shagged someone.

Affairs hurt not just because your partner has had sex with someone. It's the emotional involvement, the emotional energy given to someone else, the lies, the fact that your partner didn't bother telling you their feelings have changed.

What you are doing is just as bad, if not worse that a physical affair. You are betraying your husband and worse you are planning to continue you do it for the rest of his life and he hasn't even getting a say.

Good decision OP - stick to it.
Remember why you married your husband and who'll be there for you in a time of need - be it a serious illness or toilet roll.

The "how his little girl is doing" is creepy. She's the child he has with his wife. The child that will grow up without a dad if his wife learns the full extent of your relationship (I know I wouldn't put up with it).

Focus on YOUR family.

When I was younger I loved somebody in another country where we both lived, we were together for 5 years. I moved to the UK, he didn't. We stayed in touch until I met DH and we got married- I wrote to my ex to tell him, it was essentially a 'goodbye' letter. He never responded (quite rightly).

I thought about him every day, several times a day, for at least a decade. It hurt. But one day I realised that I was no longer thinking about him much and that I'd moved on. I'm so glad I didn't stay in touch with him as I would never have been able to put him behind me. I recently heard that he''s married, and I was genuinely happy for him.

Give it time, it'll get easier

You absolutely have to go no contact with him. You are cheating on your husband and his wife. You’re romanticising a situation that’s just a fantasy. I remember by first bfs birthday date. I also remember childhood friends birthdays. All it means is I have a good memory. Not that I love them. You need to get a grip or you will lose everything, over nothing but a childish crush. Try to imagine how you’d feel if your husband did this with another woman. Put yourself in those shoes and really think very long and hard about how you’d feel. Don’t kid yourself that it’s just about hearing about his family life etc. Would you accept that sort of explanation if it was your husband behaving like that. You are cheating! End it now. I also think your husband deserves to know what you’ve been doing. My ex had an emotional affair. Let me tell you it was utterly devastating. I’ve never felt so worthless

If your truly happy in your marriage I don’t see why you are hankering after him. I think you need to think carefully if your marriage is truly a happy one?

Also people get married for all sorts or reasons was yours for love? If so you have the answer if not you need to go to counselling and discover what you really want.

Ever heard the saying "the grass is greener where you water it?"
Water your grass at home.

The OP has not gave an indication that she is having an affair even an emotional affair. She has said they chat a couple of times per month on WhatsApp and chat over the telephone a few times per year. So stop being dramatic she isn’t cheating on her husband.

The main issue here is the feelings she has for her ex. Does he reciprocate?

Life is to short to be stuck in a marriage of what ifs. I married my man who definitely would have been my one that got away. We had a less then perfect start but ultimately we are the loves of each other lives. Think about what you truly want as the most precious gift we have is time. Don’t waste yours in a 2nd rate marriage to a man who isn’t the be all and end all.

Good luck.

Honestly best thing you could do would be to cut contact! It’s weird talking a couple of times a month on WhatsApp calling each other a few times a year. You really can’t think why his wife might be jealous like really?

You are married ffs, you have children and a life with that man where is the respect for him? Everything you think about your ex is from when you were 19, he won’t be the man you remember in reality.

Your dreaming a fantasy

His wife knows about me but she doesn't like me, apparently due to jealousy. Of what though I don't know

Oooh, I don't know what in earth she could be JEALOUS of...unless it's that she secretly realises that you are the love of her husband's life and that the connection you share with him is something that SHE could never have and she knows deep down that you and he are star-crossed lovers and it drives her crazy knowing that she could never compete with you, even though he denies that he feels that way about you but she just KNOWS....

Grow up. The reason she doesn't like you is because you are conducting an emotional affair with her husband, but it stops just short of anything 'actionable'. So she feels miserable and excluded and insecure, and he (presumably) tells her she is imagining things, has no need to be jealous, and basically makes her feel like she is going crazy so that he can keep up his little 'friendship' with you.

Yup, your big, one-that-got-away lifetime-love is a sordid little gaslighter who uses you as an ego boost and to keep his wife miserable. Romantic, right?

Those of you commenting, maybe read through and do note my early comment. I'm ceasing contact.

•His wife knows about me but she doesn't like me, apparently due to jealousy. Of what though I don't know.*

You appear to be in your own little word and I can't work out if your being deliberately obtuse or just stupid. I'm guessing its the former because you are smart enough to admit that the 'innocence' of your entanglement would quickly be less so, if you met face to face.

It's time to deal with the realities of your marriage without the emotional crutch of this inappropriate relationship.

You are stopping contact. I hope you stick to it.

I still think your husband deserves to know you want to be with someone else and just with him for the kids.

It's a fantasy. I'm glad you are cutting contact. Focus on your marriage, it might not be perfect but it sounds good.

OP I'm in a mess after an emotional affair and am leaving my husband to be alone having ended it and confessed. Hold on to what is good and work at it.