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Original poster

Do I give him another chance?

53 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 05/10/2018 09:48

My potentially narcissistic and angry dp has said he will definitely go to therapy, where previously he has not bothered. He has been making mine and my dd1's lives miserable for over a year now. Maybe even two years. We a have a two year old dd and my 6 yo dd (not his dd), who has got sensory and behavior issues.
Do I let him have another chance to actually do the things he says he will do? These are: he gets counselling, we go to couple's therapy, he backs off my dd1 who he has been upsetting with his behaviour, he apologies to my mum who he has been horrible to in the past, he stops talking to me like I'm a piece of shit, he starts showing me and dd1 some respect. Oh and he divorces his ex wife (they split over ten years ago).
He says he can't cope with the idea of losing everything and not seeing dd2 everyday, he wants to change. I'm not sure if it too late. Since I told him it wasn't working any more and it was over I felt relief but also I am worried about how I would cope alone with two girls. Has anyone given their dp one final chance and its actually worked?

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 09:52

So now it’s affecting him he wants to change?

But until then he’s been quite happy to bully a wee girl, you and your Mum and not been prepared to change?

Why would you give him another chance?

ChristmasFluff · 05/10/2018 09:53

Gave him loads of final chances.

It never worked. he had his feet back under the table, it would all start up again. Never underestimate how remorseful a toxic person can be, and how much they will promise, until they have you hooked again. They may even 'reform' for a while. But in the end it all goes tits up again.

That relief you feel is your intuition speaking. Being alone with 2 girls is hard, but being alone with 2 girls and a toxic partner is infinitely harder.

Aussiebean · 05/10/2018 09:53

Tell him to get back to you in a years time. By then he would have had a lot of counselling, apologised, Be well on the way to having his divorce finalised or actually done, given your dd a break from his behaviour and developed a good relationship with dd2, and have spent the year behaving and speaking respectfully to you.

Then you will go to couple counselling with him.

Aussiebean · 05/10/2018 09:56

Oh and that year starts after he starts counselling, started the divorce and apologised

The count down also starts again every week he doesn’t go to counselling, every rude word he says or repeats his behaviour.

Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 09:58

How about he moves out while he undergoes his transformation? If he morphs into Mr Perfect he gets to move back in!!

joeybarnett · 05/10/2018 10:04

I agree with the others. Being alone with 2 girls and a toxic partner is going to be really hard.

He sounds very selfish by the sounds of it.

I think he should move out and sort himself out. See where he is down the line. If he really wants to change and make the effort to change, then he will.

Hugs to you. x

Adora10 · 05/10/2018 10:07

Honestly, he sounds terribly toxic; saying and doing are two completely different things; if course he's going to say that OP, let him prove it though by his actions; I think you will be back at square one if you just take his word for it; as others have said, he can quite easily prove this to you over the next six months to a year.

I think it highly unlikely he can change his personality. Sorry.

NobodysChild · 05/10/2018 10:19

After 10 years and still not divorced, smacks of retaining some control. He's a narcissist and won't ever change. You must by now realise that these people are liars and full of empty promises. At some point you must say enough is enough of his shitty behaviour. Tell him it's over. There are no more chances. Try not to worry about coping with two young children, lots of people do. I'm sure your mum would be happy to help you out once your partner has gone. Your mum will realise what he is and I bet she can't understand why you put up with him. If you are close to your mum, I bet she will be delighted to have 'her daughter' back, as you've probably changed from the person you once were.

NotANotMan · 05/10/2018 10:20

Of course you don't
He's already abusing your 6 year old, why would you give him any more time to continue?

Shoxfordian · 05/10/2018 10:27

No more chances

eelbecomingforyou · 05/10/2018 10:30

Don't go to couples therapy with an abuser.

Why would you give this piece of shit another chance? He's only making these promises because you've given him ultimatums. He won't keep them.

Life with 2 kids will be hard, but life with an abusive partner and 2 kids is much harder and sadder.

MargoLovebutter · 05/10/2018 10:34

Don't listen to his words, judge him on his behaviour.

When you do that, you know 100% the answer to your own question.

It is infinitely easier to be a single parent than trying to make a relationship work with an arsehole who makes your life a misery.

Also, get some counselling for yourself.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/10/2018 11:05

The fact you felt relieved once you told him it’s over speaks volumes as to where you are mentally.

Tell him yes go to counselling it will be good for him. But he does it away from your family. In his own home so he can’t hurt you and your children anymore.

Godowneasy · 05/10/2018 11:15

He's been treating you and dd1 like a piece of shit for a year or two? This is who he is and what he actually thinks of you (however incorrect he is).

Get him out now! As Aussiebean says, you can always get back with him in the future if he has been to counselling. apologised to everyone and morphed into a better human. It's a very big IF though...

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/10/2018 11:20

No. No chances.

0ccamsRazor · 05/10/2018 11:23

Good posts by Aussie

I bet my bottom dollar that he would not be able to keep up the new and improved version of himself though. Narcs really don't change.

What do you think that you want to do about him Op?

For me the shitty behaviour towards dd would be the death of any love I may feel towards this man.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 05/10/2018 11:53

Occams, you are right in that I don't love him anymore. Weirdly we've been getting on better this past week as we're trying to keep things normal around the kids and he's been nice and fun, like he was when I first met him. I haven't seen that side of him for a long time. I too have my doubts of it lasting though. I agree that the proof is in the pudding, I need to judge his actions, not his words. It will be difficult to get him to leave quickly as there is nowhere close by that he can stay. He'd have to look for his own place and stay here in the meantime.
I'm worried for dd1 as well because she adores him despite his shitty behaviour. I think a gradual moving out process would work best for her but not sure how best to do it. Dd2 also adores her dad but she is is infinitely more dependent on me at the moment. Before he pleaded with me to let him try to get help etc he insisted that he had dd2 for 3 and a half days, "his entitlement" apparently. I argued that she is 2 and relies on my to sleep at night, therefore 3 and a half days with him per week is impossible. I don't think it really sank in until I started talking about housing benefit, him moving out etc a couple of days after I initially told him. Then he has come back pleading. He can't bare to be without dd2, he needs to see her every day, the thought of losing his family is unbearable etc etc.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/10/2018 11:57

I would be massively wary about letting him stay while he sorts himself out - he will just take this as permission to stay as long as he likes.

You must tell him to move out as soon as possible. The girls will adjust. He will adjust.

Does he have a mate he can crash with while he gets sorted? Please get him out of your house.

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/10/2018 12:00

My ex had many last chance and he's now an ex! They never seem to change although I had a friend years back and her husband changed his ways and stuck to it but I think it's rare!

Adora10 · 05/10/2018 12:09

He's panicking because he's losing his status quo, the control, the way he likes things, you all in your places; he's only now seeking out treatment because you have given him an ultimatum, when he was upsetting your child he was doing feck all about his problem, it was basically your problem.

Men like him never have somewhere to go, they want to keep the control in the home, he's devastated at not seeing daughter every day, well he should have thought about that before he was traumatising her.

You are mad OP if you allow him to stay at home whilst he supposedly goes get help; kick him out, he knows why, let him go off and do what he has to do; absolute coward he is, sorry but men like him are so predictable.

Miggeldy · 05/10/2018 12:13

In short - nope.
You really need to ditch this loser.

MargoLovebutter · 05/10/2018 12:22

Apply a bit of pressure, ask him to do something that you know he will be reluctant to do and see what reaction you get. I'm willing to bet as soon as you do, the facade will slip and he'll stop being fun and nice again.

0ccamsRazor · 05/10/2018 12:22

(((Hug))) Op, it is shit isn't it?

I stopped loving my narc xh after a horrific stunt he pulled, I tried so hard to get that feeling back, but once the love went and my eyes opened to his abuse. I had to end it after a year of trying. All of my family and friends told me that they understood why I felt that I needed to try, but they were relieved when I told him that I no longer loved him and we split up for good.

I met him when I was 22, at uni, we were together until I was 35, two dc.

After I left he really ramped up the intimidation and abuse towards not just me but our dc too, but now with the courts backing my dc and I no longer have him in our lives.

I hope that what ever happens that your dc and you can find happiness.

blueangel1 · 05/10/2018 12:26

One of the most identifying features of a narc is that they cannot bear to be alone. His principal fears at the moment are being alone and losing control.

They don't change, believe me. I've lived through it myself and so has my DP.

MaryandMichael · 05/10/2018 12:31

'His entitlement' equates with 'his way of trying to get out of paying child support'. Very common nowadays (seems to be preferred, in fact) and I'm just waiting the thirty years for the studies showing how it damaged children for life.

You seem like a nice person, OP, but he's stringing you along. You have the girls with you, and send him packing for good. Clear, final. Then you and your babies can have a straightforward, peaceful, stable life. He will turn up, interfere etc but the three of you will be sound. The girls will see what he is like, for themselves, with the passage of time.