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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I give him another chance?

53 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 05/10/2018 09:48

My potentially narcissistic and angry dp has said he will definitely go to therapy, where previously he has not bothered. He has been making mine and my dd1's lives miserable for over a year now. Maybe even two years. We a have a two year old dd and my 6 yo dd (not his dd), who has got sensory and behavior issues.
Do I let him have another chance to actually do the things he says he will do? These are: he gets counselling, we go to couple's therapy, he backs off my dd1 who he has been upsetting with his behaviour, he apologies to my mum who he has been horrible to in the past, he stops talking to me like I'm a piece of shit, he starts showing me and dd1 some respect. Oh and he divorces his ex wife (they split over ten years ago).
He says he can't cope with the idea of losing everything and not seeing dd2 everyday, he wants to change. I'm not sure if it too late. Since I told him it wasn't working any more and it was over I felt relief but also I am worried about how I would cope alone with two girls. Has anyone given their dp one final chance and its actually worked?

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 05/10/2018 13:04

Children often cleave to abusive adults that they live with as a way to keep themselves safe. Just because your 6 year old 'loves' him doesn't mean it's ok for him to be in her life.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2018 13:09

Only if you are happy to expose your kids to more of the same abusive toxic treatment

He will revert. They always do. Don't further throw your dc's wellbeing under a bus by finding this out the hard way

magoria · 05/10/2018 13:19

He is already abusive to your DD.

He should get no chance as that means he may very well carry on being abusive towards her.

If he goes away and fixes himself many there is hope in the future but right now you have to put your DD first.

QueenoftheNights · 05/10/2018 13:26

I think it's unfair not to give someone a chance when they say they want to change. Surely you need to wait and see?

Also, why has his wife not divorced him? After 10 years she doesn't need his agreement - she can just do it. what's the back story there? Seems odd.

If you have given up all hope, then end it. But I don't agree that sending him packing and resuming it when he has had therapy is the way forward. Therapy should be part of what you do as a couple, and put into practice within the relationship. He can't do that if he is simply dropping by at weekends - it's not day to day living, which is when he will show his real behaviour.

holrosea · 05/10/2018 13:43

Therapy should be part of what you do as a couple, and put into practice within the relationship. He can't do that if he is simply dropping by at weekends - it's not day to day living, which is when he will show his real behaviour.

The OP states "He has been making mine and my dd1's lives miserable for over a year now. Maybe even two years." She also says that he has been horrible to her mum, talks to her "like I'm a piece of shit" and upsetting her DD1 with his behaviour.

Which part of this day to day living, real behaviour do you think she should keep putting up with in the meantime???

Adora10 · 05/10/2018 13:53

No OP does not need therapy and you should never do joint counselling with an abusive person. Please don’t let him stay he will behave for a bit then re wet to type, take him back if you want but only after he has proven to you he’s a changed man, he needs a consequence and I’m sure that wee girl will be happier not listening to his abuse.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2018 14:07

Joint/ family therapy is contraindicated where there is abuse

That is really bad advice

NotANotMan · 05/10/2018 14:12

I think it's unfair not to give someone a chance when they say they want to change. Surely you need to wait and see?

Why? Why is it 'unfair' to end a relationship after being abused?

beyondthesky · 05/10/2018 14:21

My main worry would be that your older DD will think, as she gets older, that this is how relationships work. Would you want her to be a in a similar position in 20 years' time?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2018 14:28

Nope.

Maybe if you still loved him - you don't.

Maybe if he hadn't been abusive to your DD - he has.

DonkeyPlease · 05/10/2018 14:39

I think it's unfair not to give someone a chance when they say they want to change. Surely you need to wait and see?

So if your partner bullied your child for a year in her own home, it would be "unfair" not to "give him a chance" AND allow him to stay in the home, with your child?

Not even mentioning that he only asked for "a chance" after op finally broke down and told him it was over? Not before - not when the misery and sadness was just an accepted part of family life?

Yes, marvellous advice. The op should definitely gamble her dd's long term sanity on a shitty abusive fucknut who hasn't had a single fuck to give up til now...now that he's being told to move out, cook his own tea and wash his own fucking socks... What a wonderful level headed perspective you have.

It's this kind of fucked thinking that keeps women tied to abusers for decades because "oh well he asked for a final chance, it wouldn't be fair not to give him one" how about it's not fair that he has been terrorizing a small child for 1-2 years. How about we make that the focus?

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 05/10/2018 21:48

Thank you all for the replies. I'm beginning to realise that despite what he says he still hasn't accepted fully that he is to blame for his behaviour. He is constantly trying to find excuses for the reasons he behaves like he does. Eg, he is horrible to dd1 because he's pissed off with me or he's been horrible to me because he thinks I haven't liked him for two years. He is a tutor and works with kids my daughters age every week yet he doesn't treat them the same way he treats my daughter. He is still trying to pin the blame on me. Essentially he thinks it is all my fault and won't take full responsibility for his actions. While I know I am not perfect, I certainly don't take my anger out on my children or blame anybody else for my own actions. I think he is probably a lost cause and will need a lot of therapy to change who he is.
I think if I asked him to leave then he wouldn't even undergo counselling anyway. I think he is only offering to do it in order to stay here, not because he thinks he needs it.
It's bizarre, I thought he had admitted some responsibility for his actions by coming to me and saying he would apologise to my mum, he's been horrible to my dd1 etc but now I have thought about exactly what he said its clear that he is still blaming me for his actions.
Last time he really upset dd1 she cried for a long time and said she didn't want to live with him anymore. I think I need to remember this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/10/2018 21:51

Why would you overlook it ?

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/10/2018 21:59

Last time he really upset dd1 she cried for a long time and said she didn't want to live with him anymore

That is about the most heartbreaking thing I’ve read on here.

Whenever you feel like wavering OP, read that sentence back as many times as it takes.

Your DD1 is asking you to help her.

Adora10 · 05/10/2018 22:33

You need some tough talking OP that is awful, your daughter is brilliant g abused by a big horrible individual and you’re asking basically if you should give him another her chance, you’ve already told him! He’s damaged and is transferring his fucked up honking in to her, one more day means another day she’s suffering. Get out the situation and you’ll be horrified you put up with it, you’ve become accustomed to it, it’s warped and child abuse, only you can end it, he never will he just blames everyone else, utter cunt.

RoseMartha · 05/10/2018 22:41

He will try for a bit and then the abuse cycle will start over. I gave stbex chances , he either promised he would change or told me there was not anything wrong with him and now we are in middle of divorce as I finally decided it could not continue.

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 22:49

OP you need to let him sort his issues out because he wants to, and not whilst living with you and the DC.

If you wish you can always give him another last chance in the future if he achieves his goals and fixes whatever needs healing in him. You could go to couple's counselling then if you wanted. Not now. Now he needs to go.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 05/10/2018 23:03

You could give him the tick list: go to counselling, be nice to my mother, lay-off my daughter - but you don’t love him and do you want your heart to break more the day he snarls at your daughter and says ‘I apologized to your mother, what more do you want?’ Not loving him is enough (and you’ve plenty reasons not to)

SandyY2K · 05/10/2018 23:16

He has been making mine and my dd1's lives miserable for over a year now. Maybe even two years

He's nasty. Making life hell for your little girl. Shocking behaviour.

he apologies to my mum who he has been horrible to in the past

So until know he thought being horrible to your mum was okay.

he stops talking to me like I'm a piece of shit, he starts showing me and dd1 some respect.

No second chance for this crap.

He says he can't cope with the idea of losing everything and not seeing dd2 everyday

It's all about him isn't it. Did he think how you coped with treating you and DD1 so badly?

The approach with a man like him... is to say you need to have a period of seperation, as you need space to think after the way he's behaved.

If you straight up say no... he could get nasty.

Don't make any promises of reconciliation...but tell him you need a minimum seperation of maybe 6 months to decide if you can forgive what he's done. Then if you want...he can be told you're not sure if you love him.

His behaviour towards your DD and your mum are more than enough reason to be done with him.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2018 23:25

Last time he really upset dd1 she cried for a long time and said she didn't want to live with him anymore.

So heartbreaking. Please put your DD first. He's not a good man.

That's inexcusable. He's a horrible bully and should live alone.

eggncress · 05/10/2018 23:35

If he’s a narcissist he defo won’t change. He will however,manipulate you into hoping for change because it means you stay and give him another chance ( while wasting more of your life on him)

Won’t you and your kids feel relief to be rid of him?
Dont give him that other chance.
He’ll soon go back to bullying your poor little girl and generally being a shit human being.
Make this the beginning of the rest of your life.

subspace · 05/10/2018 23:42

The important point I want to make is that narcissists CANNOT change. They can't. Their whole identity is built up on them being right. They cannot physically come around to the idea that they are wrong. Their brains just aren't wired to be able to compute that. Hoping that he will change will be futile. All he is capable of is working out how to puppet-master those around him better.

Gilead · 06/10/2018 06:10

I did, he was arrested again six weeks later. He promised me the moon bought me expensive presents etc. That man loved us so much he had a new girlfriend within a couple of months. I looked after him and coped with him for twenty years. Every time I talked about splitting up he was so in love with me and the family tell me that he’d hunt me down and kill any future partner. But his behaviour would improve for a while. Only for a while. I have cPTSD because of him. So does dd. Don’t trust him he’s love bombing and trying to reel you back in.

gendercritter · 06/10/2018 08:19

It's honestly a really simple issue. Your partner bullies your 6 year old child. He needs to leave. You have to show your dd she is worth more than that to you. Her future self-esteem and confidence are being developed at this point. Don't give her the message she doesn't matter. Don't let her future be the feeling that this arsehole mattered to you more than her. You can't ever really throw that off.

If he stays and goes to therapy I predict he will be a great partner in the short term. But sooner or later the bad behaviour will creep back in as he gets comfortable and relaxes. Habits are extremely hard to break.

You could drag this out for years or you could make a clean break and focus on your children.

Original poster

MoonshineWashingLine · 07/10/2018 14:20

Ugh, he is really trying this weekend to be happy happy, nice step dad, nice uncle (we're looking after my niece this weekend) and doting partner. It's really forced and weird. I've not had chance to talk to him about anything again yet as we've all been busy but I'm thinking I'll ask him to 'temporarily' move out over half term and make it permanent after a while. Unless by some miracle he sorts himself out!

OP posts:

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