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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

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36 replies

adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 14:54

I'm shaking and bruised and more than a bit shocked. My husband just yelled at me to get out of the car. I refused so he stopped the car and dragged me out. My ankle is grazed, my elbow is grazed. He just did that and left me there in broad daylight. I walked home (only 10 mins). A kind couple saw what happened and checked I was ok.

I have been a total winge bag today I do know that. I'm knackered and under the weather and probably took that out on him. But still. He's never done anything as physical as that before. He does lose his temper occasionally and is a real shouter - properly sees red. Doors slammed, stuff chucked about sometimes. We were having a disagreement. I'm sure he felt I wasn't understanding his point of view. I don't feel like e was hearing what I was saying at all and he kept talking then shouting over me.

I'm home, he's calm -just said please can I talk to you. I'm still crying. I said no and yelled for him to go away.

What on earth do I do.

But how on earth can someone who is supposed to love me do that?

But I don't know what to do. How can I do nothing. My daughter was in the car. She's 18 months. I have a 4 year old son. I have to set an example.

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 14:58

He's just seen me typing here. "He said be sure to tell your friends and family what a nightmare you've been today. Be sure to tell them that."
I definitely have.

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 04/10/2018 14:58

Didn’t want to read and run. So sorry to hear that. Depends if it’s a pattern? Sounds like you need some space away to think - can you get that somehow? 💐

Orlandointhewilderness · 04/10/2018 14:59

Oh lovely, I'm very sorry. That must have really shaken you up. I don't think there is any excuse for physically dragging someone out of a car, no matter how much they had been whinging! Your children shouldn't see things like that.
I would urge you to seriously consider leaving before this escalated.

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/10/2018 14:59

‘What a nightmare you’ve been today’?!

Orlandointhewilderness · 04/10/2018 15:00

Reading your update he sounds like a gaslighting twat who can't keep his temper.

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/10/2018 15:00

No, sorry that’s horrible. If he felt that under pressure, stressed whatever, even if you had been stressing him out you don’t get that physical with someone and then not apologise straight away!!

oatmilk4breakfast · 04/10/2018 15:01

Sounds terrible and I’m so sorry for you. Can you go somewhere?

LusaCole · 04/10/2018 15:03

OP how horrendous for you. Your DH had no right to do that, however much of a nightmare you had been Sad

Original poster
adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 15:08

Thanks lovely people. He's gone to pick up the 4 year old. I'm going for a walk.

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 15:09

Even just an apology or an'are you ok' would have been nice

OP posts:
Feellikeimthemaid · 04/10/2018 15:20

I'm sorry, it doesn't matter how much you've been whingeing at him, it does not give him the right to do that. He assaulted you. I would be taking photos of the grazes to keep as evidence in case this becomes a pattern. When you're both calm I would sit him down and say that you acknowledge you may have wound him up but it did not give him the right to assault you in this manner, and make it clear that if it happens again you will file a formal report/ask him to leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2018 15:40

How often does he 'see red'?
Throwing things about is also abuse.
As is shouting and swearing at you.
That's a lot of red flags in one post and throw in physical abuse, you've almost go the full package of fully abusive DH.
Do you work?
Do have financial independence?
Access to all family money?
If a stranger did this to you in broad daylight what would you do?

CrazySheepLady · 04/10/2018 15:49

I don't care how much the two of you were disagreeing - physically dragging you from the car isn't just unacceptable, it's violent. It's assault. Take some pics while he's out and keep them, just in case.

I'm also concerned that he says you were being a nightmare and you're just agreeing with him. It takes two to tango and you say that you also feel you weren't being heard or understood. It can't all have been one way.

I think you were right not to talk to him just after you got home and we're still so very upset and shocked. Talking is better left until you are calm and have had a chance to think about what happened and what you want to happen next.

PickAChew · 04/10/2018 15:55

You have to leave him before his violence further escalates and he causes you serious injury or kills you.

And don't even try to justify his behaviour or consider it to be your responsibility. It's all his fault.

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/10/2018 15:59

Disgusting behaviour. No matter how much of a “nightmare “ you have even it doesn’t warrant physical abuse because that’s what it was! You talk about things not resort to being physical.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2018 16:07

You are mad if you stay with him. His violence is only going to escalate.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 16:13

Go to the police. Nothing (no behaviour at all) defends what he did.

It doesnt matter how much of a nightmare you were (and I suspect you were not at all that) any level of violence is unacceptable

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 16:16

Nope, never ever an excuse to hurt someone and saying that too, sounds completely unremorseful, sorry but I'd go and stay with a mate tonight, he needs to understand no matter what you winged about he cannot put his hands on you, in daylight too, in front of folk, how humiliating, never mind your child was there too, he's bloody awful.

Original poster
adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 16:35

Thank you, your posts are really helping me think this through.
To answer some questions, yes I work, I have access to money and I would unwaveringly and instantly go to the police if a stranger did this to me.
But it wasn't a stranger. And we have children. Much thinking to do. I really do appreciate your help.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 16:55

It’s not been a stranger is worse and he did in front of your children is that what you want them to see growin g up

Original poster
adviceadviceadvice · 04/10/2018 16:59

No Quartz it isn't

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 04/10/2018 17:02

I would unwaveringly and instantly go to the police if a stranger did this to me.

So you would demand better behaviour from a stranger who owes you nothing, versus a man who promised to love and honour you for the rest of your lives.

Not being snarky, just trying to help you see how skewed your thinking is on this.

You deserve so much better and so do your children. Your son will remember his dad throwing his mum to the ground and driving away with him. He won't be able (possibly) to articulate it, but it will be there hidden away in his earliest memories.

RivanQueen · 04/10/2018 17:05

Read the thread pinned at the top of the relationship page "Right, listen up everybody". There is never, EVER, any excuse for the way your H has physically abused you. No matter how bad an argument is, or 'how much of a nightmare' he thinks you've been he has no right to treat you that way. You deserve so much better than this. Your children deserve better than this. You need to get out and take the kids with you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, your H is a asshole.

Quartz2208 · 04/10/2018 17:10

None of this is your fault none

Proofer · 04/10/2018 17:15

Please go to the police. Please please please.

It doesn't matter whether you were nagging him all day there is no excuse for what he has done.

Be strong and go to the police. Get out and go somewhere else, don't let your children grow up thinking this is normal. There are always places you can go, try calling Women's Aid? Please please please.

He is abusive and dangerous. You need to get out for the safety of you and your children.