Growing concerns about my sister

[SisterSledgeHammer]

My sister live overseas in a Western European country with husband and two children. She's been there for about 20 years and married for about 10 years.

Her DH has never really liked our family much. He used to hide it and crack jokes/masked insults but he's become more and more passively hostile towards us!

My sister over the last 3-4 years has also started becoming quite intolerant of our parents and their quirks and human failures, and has created big issues out of minor/common mistakes. She criticises them constantly.

She has now started to visit less regularly and it feels like she's retreating from our family.

My parents are so stressed and saddened.

I'm really concerned that her husband is isolating her from us.

I don't want to waffle and create a huge OP but we've been a fairly close family and had regular contact. My parents go over for several weeks during school holidays to look after their children. They're always welcomed when they visit the UK and have plenty of rooms in our parents' house. My dad regularly drives over 100 miles to Heathrow to pick them up.

She's saying they don't Skype enough but they Skype once a week and she never attempts to contact them. They don't ask this question or that question, they don't do this or that... but it's all stuff which is easy to resolve. It's like she's looking for an excuse to fall out... IYSWIM!

Does this sound like something we should be concerned about? This change in attitude towards us and retreating from the family? Could her DH be isolating her from us?

I don't know OP, from an outsider's point of view, it seems that you (rightly or not) don't like your BIL.
I am from a EU country and live in the UK and the longer it goes, the more I drift apart from my family and friends because the cultural differences are actually huge.
I also don't go home for Christmas anymore as we save up and I hate travelling then and to be honest my family stresses me out.
I am sure my family could post something like this and blame my OH but I simply grew apart

User, are you trolling because I don't think you're being sensible?

OMG @user1499173618 wind your neck in!

If she's growing apart and happy, I'd be very sad but ok with that. Truly.

But something just isn't sitting right.

Indeed, Rainbowtrain. My parents are dead now. I loved them very much and they loved me but they could be intensely irritating because they were stuck in their ways and I needed to accommodate their behaviours in order to maintain a harmonious relationship. I couldn’t always manage that accommodation, for perfectly legitimate reasons, and they would hypothesise about my DH and other family members. It wasn’t personal - it was cultural and it’s very trying when parents can’t understand that.

I have two toddlers of my own but they have a father who loves looking after them so my childcare isn't a problem.

I think I'll try to get her to have a weekend away with me in the new year. I'll say "because we barely get to see each other and when we do it's chaos with the kids" and then leave it at that... if she wants to talk she can but she knows I care!

I don't like my BIL anymore. I have make a massive effort with him for over a decade. He is rude to us. I will continue to make an effort with him for as long as I have to... but I don't like him.

I’m not trolling. I’m trying to explain why you have to consider more explanations than a controlling husband (the go to MN explanation for nearly every difficulty in relationships). Life is more complicated than that.

I live abroad and it's very, very difficult to have a phone conversation with my Mum. I love her dearly but she's become so tricky to talk to. It feels like Groundhog day at times...I KNOW that's not her fault though.

It would be hard if I still lived in the UK but when you're only bound by phonecalls, it feels so wearing to have basically the same conversation over and over again.

My Mum doesn't ask about my life here...how I am etc. Only about the kids and then she changes the subject when I try to tell her.

She's getting on...so that's probably why. But maybe your sister feels the same as I do? That the phonecalls don't have any real value to your parents and she feels guilty....so she's cutting them back as a way of coping.

I have to make myself call even though I miss her badly at times.

I think if she had a support network I'd feel better about the situation. She's always been sociable, not an extrovert or hugely outgoing, but very good company and enjoys friends' company. She doesn't have anyone out there... that's a worry.

Yeah, they are getting old and conversations are getting slower with multiple repetitions. She's so clever and her brain works at 500mph so it must be very frustrating for her to slow down.

But she wants them to call more!!

So, she feels lonely... wants her parents but they're old now and she wants her parents from 10 or 20 years ago. She can't just bin them off because they're not as quick witted as they were in the 90s!!

User1499173618 honestly is this the best use of your time?

Very irritating on this thread.

She probably does miss the relationship she used to have with her parents. She might be sad and they might be sad. That’s not her husband’s fault. It’s life marching on.

Given BIL's attitude to 'babysitting' I reckon you've a snowball's chance in hell of getting her away for a whole weekend. That's why I suggested going to see her. Worth a shot though.

I think it is lovely that you want her to be happy OP, but maybe all you can do at this point is tell her how you feel, that you are worried and that she can call on you anytime.

I think that, unfortunately, some of us grow to drift away from our family and that it has to be respected as well.

In terms of weekend away, please don't take it personally if she doesn't. I don't like being away from my child overnight and for other reasons I wouldn't be able to.

Just offer your company and help and it sounds like she needs to make the next step.

Oh for crying out user, please stop now.

And the culture at her place of work, if it is very intellectually charged, will create a great deal of distance with your parents. Your sister thinks all day about things that are totally different to the things your parents think about

Oh what a pile of absolute shite.
I literally couldn't understand or describe to you what my own husband does for a living; and don't understand even the title of my daughter's PhD studies, but I am super close with these two people and we get on very well.

Why are you picking holes in everything the OP says, User? She's looking for advice because she's worried about her sister.
You're coming across as a complete tool.

My feeling is there may be several things in the mix here. One is that your sister is undoubtedly in a state of exhaustion. She has, from the sound of it, a high profile or at least very demanding and complex job, and two small children under/around 5, including one with special needs. Traveling back to the UK with the whole family is going to get less and less tempting over time, and traveling on her own, when she is probably away as well for work, is going to be nigh on impossible. Three times on her own in a few years is pretty good going, I suspect you do have unrealistic expectations on that score. When the children get older it will all change again, but right now she has an intense work/family situation at home, and I don't blame her for not wanting to come for Christmas.

That's not to say there isn't an issue with the husband, he sounds like he doesn't like you and she may just be too tired to keep pushing this. Also, it sounds like she is stressed and snappy in general, including with your parents, and these long holidays of childcare are going to have to give pretty soon I would think, I wouldn't want to go and stay where I wasn't really welcome for 6 weeks to do daily childcare!

I’m not picking holes in anything. I’ve given the OP other perspectives as to why her sister may be stressed and distant. It’s perfectly legitimate to be worried and sad when people you love are unhappy or distant. It’s not legitimate not to consider all the possible reasons before reaching out, and it’s potentially harmful to assume relationship issues are the main source of stress.

User sounds like s/he believes themselves to be oh so intuitive and wise when actually all they're doing is spouting a load of bollocks.

You are clearly angling for an argument (demonstrated by purposely twisting the OPs words amongst other things) and are bringing nothing of any use to the conversation - so off you fuck.

OP - do you think that something significant may have happened in their marriage to make her want to appease her husband by behaving like this? An ultimatum from him maybe, or an affair (by either party)? If her behaviour has changed so significantly I absolutely think it is something to take notice of, but it will be difficult to get to the bottom of it unless she confides in you - do you think she would?

Freud would have had a field day with one poster on this thread.

I really think it's time for MN to introduce a "hide poster" option to the forum.

So, she feels lonely... wants her parents but they're old now and she wants her parents from 10 or 20 years ago. She can't just bin them off because they're not as quick witted as they were in the 90s!!

Given that she sees them infrequently, she may be far less attuned to the gradual signs of ageing and slowing down that you see on a more regular basis.

But 6 weeks unpaid childcare is a big ask for grandparents of any age.

I would like to share a relevant experience with the OP. I think a lot of your initial post expresses a frustration with your sister for no longer being lenient with your parents about their foibles. It's fair enough for you to criticise her for that, but frankly what she thinks of them and how much slack she wants to cut them is her business.

Years ago, when I met my now partner we moved together to another country. I settled in, I got used to things, and I built a new kind of life with them. When I came back to the UK for a family Christmas I realised I increasingly couldn't stand my extended family, the way they behaved, things they did that annoyed me. Certainly my partner didn't, there was a big culture clash there, but as I had gotten used to living with my partner and in that culture, I too found I wasn't as tolerant of things that annoyed me. Similarly to your sister, when alone on trips back for family occasions I felt surrounded and isolated and so was much less confrontational, and yes, less frustrated.

Some of your other comments are slightly judgemental, I also don't have many friends, and stay in a lot, but that is just a lifestyle choice (particularly common among people who migrate to a new country).