Growing concerns about my sister

[SisterSledgeHammer]

My sister live overseas in a Western European country with husband and two children. She's been there for about 20 years and married for about 10 years.

Her DH has never really liked our family much. He used to hide it and crack jokes/masked insults but he's become more and more passively hostile towards us!

My sister over the last 3-4 years has also started becoming quite intolerant of our parents and their quirks and human failures, and has created big issues out of minor/common mistakes. She criticises them constantly.

She has now started to visit less regularly and it feels like she's retreating from our family.

My parents are so stressed and saddened.

I'm really concerned that her husband is isolating her from us.

I don't want to waffle and create a huge OP but we've been a fairly close family and had regular contact. My parents go over for several weeks during school holidays to look after their children. They're always welcomed when they visit the UK and have plenty of rooms in our parents' house. My dad regularly drives over 100 miles to Heathrow to pick them up.

She's saying they don't Skype enough but they Skype once a week and she never attempts to contact them. They don't ask this question or that question, they don't do this or that... but it's all stuff which is easy to resolve. It's like she's looking for an excuse to fall out... IYSWIM!

Does this sound like something we should be concerned about? This change in attitude towards us and retreating from the family? Could her DH be isolating her from us?

I think the OP needs to open her mind to the very real cultural differences that are creating gulfs in her family relationships in a way that is completely normal. I don’t disagree that it is distressing, but there is nothing unusual about this situation.

She's lived there for 20 years but is only more recently becoming snappy and distant and irked by your parents.

It certainly sounds like somethings up, and not just cultural differences. Presumably he's always been like this though? So it might not be him that's the issue, unless he's suddenly ramped up the controlling behaviour or something.

Their marriage could be failing, she could be depressed? Can you talk to her on Skype at a time when he's not in the house?

We're all making an effort to message and call.. it's become difficult and stilted due to the lack of responses but we are going to keep communication going.

We're going out over half term week.

She's said that they're not coming over for Christmas and that'll be the first time in 20 years they haven't come over at any point during the Christmas holidays. I asked if our parents are going over to her and she said not because they're spending the holiday with her in laws. And that's fine, her choice, but it feels an odd choice for her.

20 years would mean that she has had time to fully take on board and appropriate new ideas.

User this is my family, not yours. You're projecting. My parents have not refused to allow my sister to adopt her husband's culture!! I'm not even sure if that is possible.

Hollowtalk, thank you.

I’m not projecting. I gave an example from my family but you should probably read some books about cultural conflicts which will explain this far better than an MN post.

This situation is very unusual. I know this because it's my sister who I've been very close to over the last 40 + years.

It really isn’t unusual for people to break away from close families late in life.

Can you email or text her SisterSledgeHammer and tell her you're worried about her and just ask her if anything's going on that she hasn't been able to talk about? It's really hard to tell from your posts if it's him or something else, I think you need to try and find out from her what's happening. I understand why you're so concerned but it could be just that she's grown away and changed, it does happen. Equally he could be trying to diminish her family's influence on her.

He used to be easier to get along with. He's becoming more and more rude and judgemental towards us all.

He works from home and doesn't go out.. he's always there! Also, she's like a coiled spring at the minute. I don't want to mention anything that might cause upset and isolate her further.

I think she's feeling low/depressed. This is all very unusual behaviour. For example, accusing my parents of not calling. They always called once a week on Skype. I think that's her feeling lonely and sad and wanting her parents to call more but she's expressing is badly!?!?!

You can raise the issue of your own feelings about the distance your duster is putting between you with her. That is perfectly legitimate. But don’t offer explanations (eg her husband), make judgements or use emotional blackmail, as she will withdraw further. You want to try to understand why this is happening and that’s perfectly OK, but it is for your sister alone to offer explanations.

When he visits with him it's like she's in fight or flight mode and is ready to snap for the slightest faux pas.

Very telling, so she's walking on eggshells around him.

Essentially she has a high-powered job and yet she also is also responsible for all the chidcare, to the point that he won't 'babysit' his own kids for an evening?

Does he feel like the emotionally dominant partner when they're together?

sister

I think the situation you describe does sound worrying and the difference in culture is a red herring. It would be equally difficult if she lived at the other end of the country.

I think the only thing you can do is keep communication as open as possible with regular messages and calls. If she visits alone again you could ok for the opportunity to ask if she’s ok but she may shut down.

I’m a bit confused about her high powered job and the bar work? Probably not relevant anyway. If she has a better job than he does might he resent this and trying to maintain control of her?

The combination of cultures always generates added stressors, even in very happy marriages.

Bar meaning except in that context.

Op it does sound worrying. Could you go over alone and take her out for supper or something ? Is it all possible to get time alone with her ? Because if not that is very telling in itself.
How old are her children ?

If she was just growing and changing I'd have thought there'd be less nit picking. It feels like she's pushing us away but pulling at the same time.

My parents were over there looking after the kids for 6 weeks in the summer. They're in their 70s now and we're nackered and she complained they didn't talk much. I said they're old and tired, and she thought that I was implying they shouldn't be looking after the kids... which was absolutely not the case... I just wanted her to see things from our parents' perspective: they love looking after the kids but it tired them out and they can't then be up participating in intellectual conversations.

I was trying to think of examples but I don't want to be too outing.

How old are the children, OP?

I wonder because my close relative started cutting the ties with home family a bit when her dcs got older and were more involved in school, friends, activities and so on and were "bored" by having to speak in a different language/visit foreign country/have people drone on about English (or wherever) things. You'd hope most kids would be excited about dual nationality, but some have a real horror of being "different" and don't want to do "weird" things at Christmas/Easter/for birthdays and so on.

This is just my experience, but also I think people living abroad get caught between two stools a bit - always defending one or other of their countries. Throw into the mix that many Europeans of my acquaintance are extremely xenophobic, and will openly scoff at British food/clothes/landscape whilst puffing up everything about their own country (whilst one politely sits with rictus grin) and you can understand why your dsis is perhaps thinking she has to back only one team.

Sounds like your sister has been more than happy to have them come for weeks at a time for free childcare but is now pulling away from them in different ways. Some of this may be justified or a different way of living (like not coming out at Christmas) or the ages of the children as children start to want to stay more at home than always travel in holidays. That said, she shouldn't be being intolerant or nasty to them, nor indeed expect the childcare to continue if she doesn't really want to be around them too much.

The amount of visits sounds fairly intense, this is bound to change over time as children's interests focus on their own friends and perhaps they enjoy having more family time now and need less help. It's hard to say whether the husband is deliberately distancing them or whether it's a natural progression given they now have older children in another country which is where they all live and where their children are native.

To be honest, having in laws, and from a different culture, in your home for 6 weeks looking after children while they are old and tired would put paid to a lot of marriages! This needs to stop.

I think 6 weeks of constant childcare is going to get too much for people in their 70's soon anyway- a few days if they are fit and well, but 6 weeks is extraordinarily cheeky really, especially as she then criticises them when they are there instead of kissing the ground with gratitude which most people would for 6 free weeks!

I agree with the 6 weeks stopping- whose idea is it and could your parents cut back to a 2 week holiday instead?

From what you've said here, I think the nub of this may be the marriage dynamic.

There are potential red flags for emotional abuse. From the isolation from family and friends, the treading in eggshells around him, the fact he works from home but assumes no responsibility for childcare.

Her depression, her nerves being on edge, wanting more contact with her parents would be explained by this.

She may be drawing away from family because he kicks up such a stink before and after visits that it's very stressful for her.