Growing concerns about my sister

[SisterSledgeHammer]

My sister live overseas in a Western European country with husband and two children. She's been there for about 20 years and married for about 10 years.

Her DH has never really liked our family much. He used to hide it and crack jokes/masked insults but he's become more and more passively hostile towards us!

My sister over the last 3-4 years has also started becoming quite intolerant of our parents and their quirks and human failures, and has created big issues out of minor/common mistakes. She criticises them constantly.

She has now started to visit less regularly and it feels like she's retreating from our family.

My parents are so stressed and saddened.

I'm really concerned that her husband is isolating her from us.

I don't want to waffle and create a huge OP but we've been a fairly close family and had regular contact. My parents go over for several weeks during school holidays to look after their children. They're always welcomed when they visit the UK and have plenty of rooms in our parents' house. My dad regularly drives over 100 miles to Heathrow to pick them up.

She's saying they don't Skype enough but they Skype once a week and she never attempts to contact them. They don't ask this question or that question, they don't do this or that... but it's all stuff which is easy to resolve. It's like she's looking for an excuse to fall out... IYSWIM!

Does this sound like something we should be concerned about? This change in attitude towards us and retreating from the family? Could her DH be isolating her from us?

@user
The combination of cultures always generates added stressors, even in very happy marriages.

Yes, it does, but that doesn't mean that a person suddenly becomes less communicative and seems on edge when their partner is around. This suggests that something is wrong and the OP is right to offer support.

OP, I would definitely try to see your sister one-on-one - what about meeting up somewhere for a weekend mini-break? If she's just stressed and needs some down time, that'll help; if she's concerned about something, it gives her a chance to open up to you.

Yeah, okay User, we get it, you're a total expert on cultural differences and that is the absolute crucial thing here, your expertise and ability to explain (mansplain?) this to the OP. It's got nothing to do with her genuine concern for her sister. No, it's all down to a misunderstanding about culture and you can educate all us silly, naive women about that, it's nothing at all to do with controlling men being present in every country of the world. No, nothing to do with that, I'm so grateful you are here to set everyone straight, based on your universal wisdom stemming from your own amazing experiences that simply must be imparted to us. (British sarcasm there, in case you missed it due to cultural differences.)

Ok, lots of messages to respond to while trying not to be outing!

I have wondered if her independence and ambition has made him feel insecure and he's attempting control as a response.

She doesn't work in a bar, I meant bar as in except.

One child is school age with moderate additional needs and the other is a toddler. They both love staying with their grandparents and seeing their cousins. But yes, she has had to defend Britain quite a bit while her husband puffs up about the superiority of his country.

In previous years, my parents have brought older child back to the UK. This year he's been having an intensive therapy during the holiday and they had to stay there. This is all at my parents volunteering and my sister's request.

How does your sister’s DH feel about having his in laws to stay for 6 weeks?

She's never been so uptight. She's always been the level headed, pragmatic one who tells me to calm down.

She's changed. She's clearly got high levels of cortisol.

She's obviously anxious for her older child and his additional needs but after years of seeking diagnoses and therapy, the child is doing remarkably well and developmentally flying!!

Her job is crazy but it makes her happy.

Her stress/anxiety is much worse when he's around.

Your sister has an awful lot of things in her life to stress her, even if her DH is an angel. Please don’t scapegoat him.

@PurpleTrilby

That does sound concerning. Are you close? Could you find a way to spend a little time with her, just the two of you?

He sounds like a lovely man...not.

Re. The 6 weeks. I wouldn't want my in-laws staying that long, but if they're providing free childcare during the holidays and your sister ASKED them to come, they're not exactly imposing.

If that's the source of the problem, her DH can look into alternative childcare arrangements for next summer - and the in-laws can come for a week's proper holiday, perhaps.

As we all get older the relationship with our parents changes and when they become frail children end up doing the things for their parents that their parents once did for them such as ferrying them around, helping with life admin etc, so that may be a part of it. Your parents may not be as mobile and mentally capable as they were, and rather than make allowances for this your sister is critical. Your Dad may not be able to make long trips to Heathrow to collect and drop them, especially in winter time when it gets dark so early which makes driving difficult for elderly eyes.

Also her DH may be jealous of of the close relationship that your sister has had with her parents and you and maybe his parents complain that they don't see much of the grandchildren because of the time they spend with your parents and maybe they are insisting that xmas is spent with them, 'for a change'.

If your sister has such a demanding job, then maybe that, her children and husband are taking up the majority of her time and emotional energy and she is just worn out with it all.

it sounds like your sister has been spoilt got used to the convenience of them running around for her and coming to stay for childcare etc.

We have been close all our lives but I do feel a huge void at present.

I might suggest a weekend away somewhere in the new year.. but there's still the issue of childcare!!

Are you my brother in law, user?

If you are absolutely determined that your sister’s DH is controlling her, and you gang up on him, you can do an awful lot of harm to her marriage. Is that what you want to do? Or do you want to take a look at the bigger picture?

I have lived in the U.S. for over 45 years and consider the basic culture here to be the same as the U.K.'s I called it 'Western Culture'.

No, if you read my concerns, that is absolutely not what I want to do.

My family and I have been as accommodating as we can be to attempt to keep my sister close. We do not want to harm her marriage. We do not want her to be in this constant state of stress/anxiety.

Definitely not your BIL but I do think that it’s very easy for families to blame partners of their children/siblings and to create havoc in relationships.

Good grief user, I don't know what you are trying to do here. I don't think you are being very helpful.

The OP is not 'absolutely determined' as far as I can see, rather, trying to explore all possibilities. One of which, for a few reasons, could be the dynamic with the sister's DH.

Fair enough to be worried about her stress but not fair enough to take her DH as the most likely cause. Especially given her very complex life arrangements!

Have you tried gently talking to her about your concerns OP? You say you're close, so if anyone can find a way to get through to her, I suspect you can. Remember that 'I feel ...' statements are less confrontational than ones starting 'You ...'

Your BIL does indeed sound controlling and unpleasant and it's very concerning if he's isolating her from her family in England - particularly if she doesn't have many friends or a support network where she lives.

Her stress/anxiety is much worse when he's around.

Which tells you he's the key to this.

The guy who keeps his successful wife in her place through control Is a fairly standard pattern.

Is there any possibility you could go and visit her for a weekend and get some alone time with her? Do you have family and kids yourself?

Say that you feel she seems increasingly unhappy, is everything ok in her marriage and is there anything she wants to talk about?

She may shut it down, but you've opened a door she may come back to at a later point.

Any son in law could legitimately feel put out if his PILs showed up for 6 weeks in summer. Poor guy.

It sounds far more as if it’s the sister trying to control the DH, but failing. Hence her stress.

I might suggest a weekend away somewhere in the new year.. but there's still the issue of childcare!!

Her DH, the children's father, can sort out childcare for 48 hours. Just let him get on with it!

My DH recently went away with family for a long weekend (work has been stressful) and I took care of the children. He's doing the same for me in a few weeks.

This shouldn't be a big deal - if it is, her DH IS a problem.

Oh do bugger off user. Sorry, but enough's enough.

@MapleLeafRag I think she is increasingly frustrated by their slowness and processing speed in conversations.

In fairness, his family live close and see more of the kids. Christmas has been equal with the other family getting new year (vice versa).

I think she's definitely exhausted by life in general, it's been a rough few years. She's had lots of support... as much as we can give.

My parents are doing what is requested: "do you need help over the holiday" "yes, the entire 6 weeks" "ok" because they want to help and be supportive and spend time with their daughter and grandchildren.