Mobile phone use becoming an issue / point of conflict with DP

[Blou2]

So, here I am, on my phone....asking for advice about the issues this causes in my relationship. My phone use is causing regular arguments between me and DP. I don’t know who is right and who is wrong.

Too often, DP tells me to put my phone away, says he wishes he could throw it out, moves it away if it’s on the sofa or table next to me, asks me what I’m doing on my phone, tells me he feels ignored, if I use my phone when he’s with me and wants / expects attention. This feels controlling, needy and childish to me. He says he feels ignored and that my phone is a time thief, as is most technology in his view.

DP is a technophobe. He has a phobia about smartphones, laptops etc. He hates the internet on balance. He does use them all though, very occasionally socially and daily for work. But nowhere near as I much as I use my phone.
That said, I don’t think I use my phone a ridiculous amount. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet and have wondered how some posters have the time to post as much as they do, for example. I use my phone to look up information, directions, phone numbers I need, to message / WhatsApp friends and family, to make the odd phone call, for online shopping including groceries but and to check Facebook. I don’t use Instagram, Twitter etc.

As an example, just now I went to the loo and ended up taking longer than I thought I would need in there. I was checking my phone on the loo when DP walks in to get something he needs from the bathroom cabinet and asks in a stroppy tone what I’m doing and ‘are you just sitting there on your phone again?!’. I got annoyed. I was simply trying to go iyswim and it was taking longer than I thought (tmi!).
I got angry and it all turned into a row, with me saying he was rude and out of order to just come in and to ask what I’m doing in that tone, and him saying my response was disrespectful and OTT.

Who is right here and what is the solution? Do you have these issues in your relationship?

Yes I did used to have that. XH was always on his phone. There was always something super urgent to do, or someone more important than me who couldn't wait five minutes for a reply.

IME people lose track of time when they're on them. They think it's been a few minutes when it's been an hour.

I don't understand people who can't go anywhere - even the toilet - without them.

I grew tired of getting mumbled half-arsed replies to questions because he wasn't really listening to me.

The solution IMO is to put the technology away when you're together so that you can spend time talking, laughing, debating without interruption. If you are panicky at the thought of putting it away, it's an addiction.

I was too distracted by the fact that he waltzes into the bathroom when you are trying to have a poo!
Lock the door!

What Breakfast says. I know that toddlers are happy to see parents on the loo but no way would a boyfriend/partner/husband be allowed in. Get a lock!

I'm with your husband on this. If you're using your phone so much he feels like this about it you need to look at your usage. I bet you're on I'd be lot longer than you think you are. I hate when people are on their phones all the time when they're in your company. You need to compromise on this

Breakfast - we won’t tend to in out house other than when visitors are around.
He would have asked me through the door what I was doing if I had anyway.

Gloomy - interested to see it from the other side.

It sounds like you're on it a lot. The solution is to leave it in another room or have it face down and do not disturb so you don't get notifications.
Try to schedule Internet tasks like groceries when you're apart or do them on a laptop together.

Yup DH is glued to his phone and it annoys the fuck out of me. I'm on my phone too much too (which I'm trying to cut down) but at least I turn mine off after a certain time and it stays off all night whereas he will check at all hours.

Red - I guess it’s all relative. I have been with people who have their phones in their hands the whole time during a meal at a restaurant. That annoys me and I don’t do it myself. Maybe I do need to cut down though?

Thing is, I try not to use the phone when I’m with the children and can’t use it much at work and drive so can’t use it when commuting. When am I meant to use it, even for the grocery shop? Evening is the only time.

If your children are playing etc then that's surely a better time to use it. If it's impacting on your relationship you need to find a compromise with your usage. I don't imagine your husband expects you to stop using it but work out something that suits you both.

I've started leaving my phone in another room in the evening I'm very guilty of picking it up when it's sitting beside me. Then if there's something I do need to do I have to physically go get it. Might sound like nothing but it's cut my usage down a lot. I don't just lift it out of habit now

Red- I will try that, leaving the phone in another room. He’s gone to bed in a strop now so I can MN without guilt!

Sounds to me like you're a bit rude with it to be honest, I'm with your partner here.

It's called phubbing apparently. amp.timeinc.net/time/5216853/what-is-phubbing

I’m on my phone much more than my DH is - he doesn’t use his much.

I’d never have it out at a meal time, and I do try to put it down when DH and I are sitting on the sofa together in the evening. But I do tend to have it with me while I’m pottering around the kitchen unloading the dishwasher etc. It makes the boring jobs less tedious!

I’d be a bit cross if DH tried to police my time on it. I’m an adult after all. But maybe you’re on it more than I am and he has a point about it impacting on your time together. It’s hard to be sure from your post.

Luisa - DP comments if I have my phone to hand while doing things like unloading the dishwasher etc. I try I put it down for loading the washing machine as on at least one occasion I’ve worried that I’ve put it in with a load of clothes by mistake and started the wash...! Luckily I hadn’t. Near misses I’m sure.
But yes, it’s multi tasking and a way to make some jobs less tedious.
It does grate that it feels like he’s telling me what to do and speaking to me like a child sometimes - condescending tone.

Sunflower - maybe I am rude. I’m trying to work that out and certainly don’t want to be but equally I feel I have the right to use my phone without needing DP’s permission iyswim.

I’ve never heard the term phubbing before! That article is an interesting read.

Maybe I should start another thread in Chat asking ‘where are you right now while you mumsnet and who is with you (and being ignored?)’ to see what others typically do?

I think you consciously need to put your phone face down on the other side of the room for at least one hour in the evening. During that hour do not check it at all (can answer a call if it rings). You don't need to make a fuss about him or even point out to him what you're doing, just do it more to rest yourself. If it doesn't bother you during that hour then it's not an issue that you're 'addicted', you should just maybe be more conscious of being on it. If it bothers you, or it's on your mind that you want to check it, you DH has a point, you just don't even realise. My DH is constantly 'just checking ' his phone. Which involves looking at several apps, checking sports scores etc. He thinks it's an occasional minute. To me these checks feel like they're every minute.

We have had phone issues in our house - parents and kids. I will not have the phone in the bedroom, bathroom or dining table. Guests included.

The phone habit can reach a point where it is simply just rude. Half baked conversations because the other one is half on their phone. Really rude.

I love my phone and have all the sm apps, pinterest instagram twitter and fb plus my own website. But I am not glued to it. If I'm watching a film or in conversation the phone stays in my bag.

The toilet thing is just flippin weird

Why don’t you have a compromise? Unless it’s an emergency, you won’t look at it between 8-10pm in the eve, when you are together but outside of those times (unless you are on a day out) he keeps his mouth shut and you get to freely browse. Worth a try?

Do as cheesymash says.

I reckon your usage sounds pretty normal. Even if I'm on my phone, I try to be aware if hubby says anything. He doesn't do the same, though. I can be asking him something serious, or be trying to hand him his tea on a tray, and be ignored. I'll call him out on it then.

Hubby and I are both on devices in the evening. We can happily chat while still doing our own thing. I’d hate my hubby to act like yours has and would too find it controlling.

Its my pet hate, people always on phones, I have even stopped going into my local pub now, as almost everyone is staring at their phone, scrolling, texting, or boring everyone with stupid photo's on them. Even some of the bar staff are on their phones behind the bar,if there isn't a customer to serve..It seems that the whole world is on their phones now, a terrible addiction to be sure.

Where you are doing things that have to be done I would highlight that. I’d say I usually do the shop now, do you want to do it with me? Or you could do it on the computer? And talk him through the shop. Just really highlight when you’re basically doing housework as opposed to random mn fb and browsing.

And put it down more! Consciously sit away from it for part of every evening. Although I’d go mad if dh walked in on me in the toilet and told me off.

Just put it down when you're together ! And please stop taking it to the loo thats gross