Mobile phone use becoming an issue / point of conflict with DP

[Blou2]

So, here I am, on my phone....asking for advice about the issues this causes in my relationship. My phone use is causing regular arguments between me and DP. I don’t know who is right and who is wrong.

Too often, DP tells me to put my phone away, says he wishes he could throw it out, moves it away if it’s on the sofa or table next to me, asks me what I’m doing on my phone, tells me he feels ignored, if I use my phone when he’s with me and wants / expects attention. This feels controlling, needy and childish to me. He says he feels ignored and that my phone is a time thief, as is most technology in his view.

DP is a technophobe. He has a phobia about smartphones, laptops etc. He hates the internet on balance. He does use them all though, very occasionally socially and daily for work. But nowhere near as I much as I use my phone.
That said, I don’t think I use my phone a ridiculous amount. I’ve read threads on Mumsnet and have wondered how some posters have the time to post as much as they do, for example. I use my phone to look up information, directions, phone numbers I need, to message / WhatsApp friends and family, to make the odd phone call, for online shopping including groceries but and to check Facebook. I don’t use Instagram, Twitter etc.

As an example, just now I went to the loo and ended up taking longer than I thought I would need in there. I was checking my phone on the loo when DP walks in to get something he needs from the bathroom cabinet and asks in a stroppy tone what I’m doing and ‘are you just sitting there on your phone again?!’. I got annoyed. I was simply trying to go iyswim and it was taking longer than I thought (tmi!).
I got angry and it all turned into a row, with me saying he was rude and out of order to just come in and to ask what I’m doing in that tone, and him saying my response was disrespectful and OTT.

Who is right here and what is the solution? Do you have these issues in your relationship?

Your husband is perhaps a bit technophobic but things you have said on here suggest to me that you are probably on your phone a lot more than you think you are.

I think you need to sit down and discuss some jointly-agreed rules about phone access, like leaving your phone in a designated place in the house rather than carrying it around with you. Keep a book in your bag when you go out. Some people find that using an old-fashioned address book and watch is good if it stops you constantly fiddling with your phone when you are out. Once you have agreed to some rules and are sticking to them, you do have the right to defend reasonable phone usage of course--otherwise you will have the right to accuse your partner of being controlling.

How old are your kids? If you spend a lot of time messing around on your phone, you will not be in a position to limit their usage of screens either.

"Diary" I should have said, not address book.

I am never parted from my phone when with Dp. Because if I am with him, then my son is with his dad and I like to have it in case of emergency.

I also have a smart watch. I do, however, put it down and spend time with him. If ex gets in touch my smart watch will tell me anyway.

You really do need to compromise on this. It does sound like you are on it, a lot.

I think it depends on your usage and only you'll know if it's too much. Just because your techphobe dp is moaning doesn't mean he is right. My dp was a bit like your dp and he would try and tell me when I was 'allowed' on my phone. He was swiftly told to buggar off.

My thankfully long gone ex would police my phone use. & I'm not somebody who's addicted to my phone. To keep the peace I would put my phone away when I was with him. & then he immediately complained about something else.

I didn't dare pick up a book or even use my laptop or answer phone call from a friend in his presence. & it's not as if he was open to wanting interesting chats.

It was always about full attention on him and in the end to be honest I just got bored of the control.

You don't sound as if you're on your phone excessively. Me and OH have some good chats. sometimes when we're together one or the other of us may pick up our phone but honestly it really isn't a big deal.

I use my phone to look up information, directions, phone numbers I need, to message / WhatsApp friends and family, to make the odd phone call, for online shopping including groceries but and to check Facebook. I don’t use Instagram, Twitter etc

Sounds reasonable, especially as you don't use the phone at work or when you're with the children.

I'm someone who is hugely introverted and I find lots of different noises going on a sensory overload, I use my phone/iPad or a book to escape from it to stop me having a meltdown, this can sometimes come across like I'm addicted to my screens, especially because if I'm reading a book for instance I block the whole world out and someone talking to me would have to really get my attention with a touch of the arm or something.

The easiest way to solve the issues was to explain the above to DH and I try and make the effort to put it down, have a conversation before going back to it later. I wouldn't get it out at dinner or anything like that either.
He also knows that I'm not going to have a strop if he gently says "Can you put the phone down a minute, I wanted to talk to you."

OP - you still haven't really said how long you are using the phone for, just that you use it everywhere - on the loo, during other tasks, and to your DP's chagrin, when just hanging out with him

I think you need to put it down.

Try having the radio (or a podcast if you must) playing when doing chores.

I suggest you try a new habit along the lines of checking for urgent/important messages at set times - and having set time (elevenses and early evening) for when you make your replies. Evenings, mute all notifications except voice calls, and check no more than once an hour, and then only for up to a maximum of 5 minutes.

Do similar at weekends, but schedule in some titting about in the internet time, just as you would schedule any other hobby time.

Having a DP like this sucks the life out of everything. I had to put go with my STBXH moaning all the time about my phone. He only used his for calls and texts. I run my own business so use mine for answering emails, updating my website, CPD, WhatsApping family etc. I have social media but switch it off half of the year. And even then he was moaning.

I just had to focus on him and his boring conversations about meditation. Its a bit boring really and left me walking on egg shells for ages if I had to reply to emails. It's one of the positives of us not living together anymore. I can look at my phone without someone following me around saying "you are on your phone again" and sulking.

In retrospect, when our relationship got more difficult, I was probably using my phone to get away from him.

My H says I’m on the phone all the time too. But actually I spend the day looking after my 2 pre-school DC’s and doing all the chaos associated with that! In the evenings I often do a supermarket shop, my general admin and browsing online shopping or social media. H says he doesn’t know why I’m always on my phone but unless there’s something interesting on TV it’s how I like to relax inthe evening. He isn’t one for stimulating conversation!

I would HATE someone to walk in on me when I was on the toilet. Even dh. That to me is the most bit of your thread!!

Anyway, I couldn’t cope with someone telling me what to do. Thankfully dh and I both love to go on our phones a lot. We do chat to each other at the same time though- we show each other news stuff, he’ll tag me in funny stuff on Instagram, I’ll read things out from here etc. It’s not isolating for us. It’s hard if you have a dh that isn’t interested though!!

Maybe agree that between xxx and xxx you do something together - watch a film, chat etc and no phones. But I don’t think he should be nagging you.

Being on your phone and ignoring your partner is disrespectful in the extreme. All it shows them is that they are less important to you than some stranger on a forum thread. How many times are there stories on here about cheating partners being glued to their phones, it sows the seeds of distrust even if there is no cause. Stop it. I once went on a date with a girl who was constantly on her phone, I got up and left the restaurant. No one likes someone like that.... don't be them.

I think mobile phone use and social media behaviour should be criteria people look out for before deciding to get into a long term relationship with someone.
Being with a technophobe when you are not leads to a lot of misery

m0vingf0rward she probably was glad you left too. A more compatible date would have traded memes from his phone😃

I don’t think people should be giving the OP a hard time for the toilet thing! That’s not the issue here - it’s her being on her phone too much, so why make it aboutsomehong else 🙄

Sorry OP, but I am with your partner here. I think technology causes far too many problems in relationships. It’s an addiction for some people. I use my phone in the bus in the mornings while going to work (like now) and later on at night when the kids are in bed I’ll maybe check Facebook. My kids used to moan about their dad being constantly on his phone and giving them no attention...the would say to me when they went to his “mum, dad just sits on his phone all night and ignores us” I had to have a work with him on more than a few occasions because of it!

Another one with a dp always on his phone. I use mine quite a lot but his use is excessive. Comes home from work and spends all evenimg texting people - from work. It's frustrating and also makes me feel a bit insecure. I can see your dp's point.

Do you have an iPhone? The latest update has ‘screen time’ in settings which tells you how long you’ve been on and you can set limits.

I think the two examples you've given where you use it on the toilet and also when you're loading the dishwasher suggests to me that you do actually use your phone too often.

They're very every day tasks, and I'm sure if they're the kinds of occasions you're playing with your phone then they're a good indicator of another 100 every day tasks you perform daily that you have your phone stuck in your hand during too.

Maybe have a think how often you are actually looking at your phone?

IOS 12 now has a screen time monitor on it. You can see how long you have been using your phone/tablet. You can see whether you were socialising, looking things up etc. If you wish there is an option to restrict these activities.

There's an app called "Anti Social " available free. It monitors screen time and usage of internet, most used apps, time on social media too.

It shocked me as I found was on the net (gulp) 5 hrs a day!

I have my DP try and police how much I am on my phone.

And I do hide exactly how much I am on it....although I have good reason too as I a have an online AP

Above and beyond that, i do just like checking my phone and have developed a short attention span - not brilliant!

You've missed out Mnet in the list of things you use your phone for and say that you don't understand how other posters manage to post so often. So you must be on here quite a bit to notice that?

Perhaps frequent posters aren't sitting in a room with a DP who'd like some company and conversation in the evenings? Perhaps they're on their own. It is rude. Having your phone in your hand while you're doing household tasks one- handed is ridiculous. Let's face it. You are addicted.

There are 3 of you in your relationship: You, DP and your phone. Your choice, or he will choose for you.

Blimey!

You don't even put it down when loading the dishwasher?? Step too far, that.

If you're chatting to other people on WhatsApp when you're sitting with your DP then that's rude. You're having a conversation that's excluding him.

Tell him when you have to do specific tasks, maybe be on your phone for 15 minutes or so in the evening then put it down!

Oh, and get lock for the bathroom door.

It does sound like you use your mobile excessively. He's not asking you to never use it again, just cut down a bit.

I put it down for loading the washing machine as on at least one occasion I’ve worried that I’ve put it in with a load of clothes by mistake and started the wash

Really?

And as for taking it in the loo... ew....

Would he object to you reading a book?

Perhaps give yourself 1-2 hours in the evening to "read"/research stuff and tell him literally "I'm off to read my phone & catch up with people" then when your slot is finished put it away.

Balance/compromise is the way forward?

How does he spend his evenings? Watching TV whilst ignoring you or distractions off wanting to chat together..?

I'm with m0vinf0rward on this. I also think it's rude in the extreme.

And actually, it's probably less to do with technology than the fact that you're just not interested enough in your partner to take notice of him and be there in the same room as him. It's awful and a terrible way to treat someone.

DH and I have recently gone through this. We were both spending weekends (our only time together at that point) sitting with our laptops and/or phones and not talking to each other. It nearly broke us. We stopped 'seeing' each other. After an evening on laptops, we'd go to bed, take the phones, and play some stupid (separately) games. Fortunately, we realised what was happening because of the impact on our relationship and although it occasionally starts to creep back up, we recognise that it's a habit and so make each other aware. It's so easy to slip into habitual use and not being able to put it down when you go to the loo or load the dishwasher is extreme.

I actually like my DH. I like his company and he's a whole load more entertaining than any old crap I can find online. If he preferred being online to talking to me or doing something with me then I'd rather we divorced, frankly.

Thing is, I try not to use the phone when I’m with the children and can’t use it much at work and drive so can’t use it when commuting. When am I meant to use it, even for the grocery shop? Evening is the only time

And when are you meant to spend time with your husband then...?
It is a matter of priorities I think. Evening will be the only time with your husband as well I assume.
My DP uses it too much as well, it annoys me.