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Original poster

can an affair work?

67 replies

tankerman1962 · 03/10/2018 20:58

Hello! I've never discussed my situation before but I'm getting desperate for some help. I'm 56 and my wife is 58. we have been married for 33 years, we have 2 grown up sons. I'm doubting my love for my wife after all these years. we have a lovely house and are a regular hard working couple. we are at the time in our lives when we can do as we please. my wife is going through the menopause at the moment and doing fantastic. she tried HRT but decided to come off it and go it alone. in the main she is doing fab and i'm proud of her. but! there's always a but. my wife as gone off sex and has difficulty being close. I will never push her to do anything she is not happy with. and i'm worried for our future. I'm not ready for a potting shed. I've been questioning my loyalty and love. my question is can i take something to reduce my sex drive ? or can an affair work?

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 03/10/2018 21:00

Ofgs just have a wank. Less messy than an affair.

Dljlr · 03/10/2018 21:02

Wow, lucky woman. She hits menopause and you start considering the benefits of an affair. What a prince. Why so sure that you'll get any from anyone else though?

Tattletale · 03/10/2018 21:31

If you are prepared to throw away a 33 year marriage for an affair crack on...

Notacluewhatthisis · 03/10/2018 21:37

No an affair is not the answer.

Suggest an open marriage.

Honestly, if you were a woman posting about loving your dh but missing sex, people wouldn't be having a go. Even if the lack of sex was biological issue.

But an affair is not the way to go. Talk to her. How long has it been with litrle/no sex

yetmorecrap · 03/10/2018 21:38

Think of it the other way around

My husband is 56 , moans a lot, has a belly and is going bald, do you think I should have an affair?? How does that sound OP

category12 · 03/10/2018 21:41

Good grief, 33 years together means so little? Lack of sex means the love dries up too?

category12 · 03/10/2018 21:44

Don't get me wrong, sex is important, but really, I find it quite shocking that you say you're now questioning your feelings for her and the only reason you give is a her loss of interest in sex.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2018 21:56

Affairs don't solve anything. You'll become something you don't like.

You end up lying all the time. You live a double life and can end up stressed all the time.

Then there's the shame of being caught. Family finding out.

Perhaps if you see the pain and devastation of betrayed spouses...You'll think twice.

Read the stories of some who Just found out

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2

Original poster
tankerman1962 · 03/10/2018 22:07

Thanks category12 ! if you bothered to read my post properly you would see my first question was how can i stunt my sex drive, and i don't need you to bitch to me. i,m trying to alter biology. and questioning my loyalty at the same time. if i was the bad person you would make me out to be, i wouldn't be on here seeking help. my mistake I thought i would get some sense here.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/10/2018 22:12

You reckon that's bitchy? Grin

Talk of planning infidelity never flies well here.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 03/10/2018 22:14

I think you're going to have a hard time on here, OP - and I don't think that's necessarily fair.

You have to find your own way in this - bearing in mind that any choices you make have consequences. Can you live with them, whatever they are?

stripeszebra · 03/10/2018 22:16

ok
Affair with a married woman - her DH might find out & likely not to be good result
Affair with unmarried woman - feelings between you might develop - this could be complex
Open relationship - if your DW approves might be a short term option, long term the pool of women wanting to service someone elses DH is likely to dry up

Musti · 03/10/2018 22:18

Can't you masturbate? Your suggestions are pretty extreme!

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 22:19

Are you the OP who posted about his menopausal wife the other day but didn't come back after we asked a few questions about what support she has?

Djnoun · 03/10/2018 22:25

This was the wrong place to post if you want support, OP

tararabumdeay · 03/10/2018 22:26

Ha, I just had a hilarious dream where my DH of 33 years ran off with someone else and I was upset.

Haireverywhere · 03/10/2018 22:28

It's certainly a shame not to be able to think of any alternatives to an affair or biological libido reduction drugs. There are so many healthier and loving possibilities in between!

letsdolunch321 · 03/10/2018 22:37

How patronising are you OP !!! - my wife is doing very well going through the menopause. The question is your wife may not have lost her sex drive ..... she may see you for what you are a selfish man who is happy to put his needs first.

I hope you lose everything you have had for 33yrs if you do have an affsir. Included in this is you lose all your friends and family as well.

I can happily give you my exh phone number - he can tell you the pleasure & joy of his two kids who have shut him out of their lives all because he had an affair. HAPPY DAYS.

velourvoyageur · 03/10/2018 23:52

You're a man and you've come on MN and just described a poster giving an opinion as 'bitching'. Oops. Game over mate.

beeefcake · 03/10/2018 23:58

This is going to go so well for you OP

WorthEveryPenny · 04/10/2018 00:10

Be honest about your thoughts and feelings . Talk to her

Sethis · 04/10/2018 00:17

Why are you questioning your loyalty and love?

Is it just a case of 'I want sex and can't have sex and it's driving me nuts'? Or are there other issues at play?

As an absolute first step you need to have a serious sit down chat with your wife where you explain exactly how you feel. If you can't articulate exactly how you feel, just take your best stab at it.

Affairs are never, ever, ever, ever the answer.

Finding solutions together for problems facing one or both partners is essentially the founding factor for relationships. If you can't do that, you may as well divorce tomorrow.

CrazySheepLady · 04/10/2018 00:21

You don't say if you've even spoken to your wife, OP.

The menopause can be awful but you seem to be patting her on the head rather than supporting her. If you & she could talk about why she's shying away from sex, you might have a chance at moving forward. There are non-hormonal things to try if she's experiencing the usual menopause symptoms.

Are you still telling your wife how beautiful she is? At this time, when hormones are on the wain, she might need to hear that.

No, an affair is not the answer. It's selfish and destroys lives. Frankly, it's selfish and shocking that you're questioning your entire life with this woman and your loyalty to her.

HarmlessChap · 04/10/2018 01:06

Can't you masturbate? Your suggestions are pretty extreme!
because wanking is a substitute for closeness......

Haireverywhere · 04/10/2018 01:12

Marriage counselling, reading books on getting through the menopausal years, offering support and communicating as a team are all better than his two suggestions. "Closeness" doesn't seem to be his concern anyway.