can an affair work?

[tankerman1962]

Hello! I've never discussed my situation before but I'm getting desperate for some help. I'm 56 and my wife is 58. we have been married for 33 years, we have 2 grown up sons. I'm doubting my love for my wife after all these years. we have a lovely house and are a regular hard working couple. we are at the time in our lives when we can do as we please. my wife is going through the menopause at the moment and doing fantastic. she tried HRT but decided to come off it and go it alone. in the main she is doing fab and i'm proud of her. but! there's always a but. my wife as gone off sex and has difficulty being close. I will never push her to do anything she is not happy with. and i'm worried for our future. I'm not ready for a potting shed. I've been questioning my loyalty and love. my question is can i take something to reduce my sex drive ? or can an affair work?

@virtuallyconfused - I think when you say your relationships we are ‘more complex’ you mean your partners are in fact up for sex, and what is more complex is your moral contortions to try and tell yourself that what your doing isn’t that bad!

In fairness our relationships are both more complex than just a partner who, for whatever reason, is not currently up for sex.

Does this even make sense?

Tbh I think the Op is a piss take, happening here plenty now where gobshites like op think it's fucking hilarious to come along on relationships and start up goady threads like these after reading the heartbreak so many are going through here, caused by people with the same mindset like the apparent op here. I'm out.

What I mean is there are a number of things that I don't have in my relationship, and the connection I have with this other person provides that.

Is that ideal? Wouldn't it be better to have it all that I need from one person? Probably. But I either throw away a relationship that is mostly good in search of the Holy Grail perfect person, or we have this.

Don't be an arse and plan an affair. Your children will judge you far more than the opinions you take umbrage at on here hmm

If that's directed at me then I'm not planning an affair, but nor am I happy to just accept that this is it for what's left of my life.

She's been the higher eraner for years, my business is going under and so far I've been unsucessful in finding another job, but I will have about 3 or 4 months residual income from the business. There is no way we could run 2 households even if I got a new job, currently I'm tempted to trade in my car for a transit van and live in that for the time being but I can't imagine it would be easy to secure a job while homeless.

If you can't/won't work on it together get a divorce and set yourself and your wife free. Or agree with to separate lives under the same roof. It really does sound like a shit life.

*agree with your wife

I think you know she'll divorce you and be better off if you cheat.

OP - did your wife know when you married her that your love was contingent upon a sex quota being met?
Did she know that if she developed a long term health problem, your priority would be making sure you still got enough action?
33 years with this woman and when she hits the menopause, your first thought is whether you should have an affair?
If this is for real, you are a disgusting human being. Your wife deserves better.

did your wife know when you married her that your love was contingent upon a sex quota being met?

Sex/Kissing/Hugging is a pretty important part of a relationship. Ask literally any therapist.

Reducing any important part of a relationship to nil is going to cause problems with the relationship.

You also take for granted that you are going to see them every day, and they're not going to move to Taiwan, for example. If they did, you would expect a series of long, involved and honest discussions about how to manage that change for both parties that involves compromise and wanting both people to be as happy as possible.

It's not unreasonable that, when you marry someone, you intend to continue kissing/hugging/having sex with them.

If the long, involved, drawn out discussions about the future of their sex life haven't happened, they need to happen.

If they have happened, and this person is unhappy with the end result of the discussions, he needs to consider what action to take, if any. That's up to him.

You sound like a dick! Suddenly your wife needs your support and your thinking of yourself??

An affair is deffo not the answer.

Neither is no intimacy.

You need to talk to your wife.

33 years you can deffo talk about this.

It never fails to astound me what men will throw away just for sex.

Sex in a relationship is not ‘just sex’ - which is why having sex with someone else while married is not ‘just sex’ - and why having sex isn’t like just pleasuring yourself or a hug or a kiss.
If you think sex is ‘just sex’ like eating when you are hungry- then why would it matter who we have sex with, when or where?
Reducing ‘sex’ to some kind of pleasurable relief from the build up of desire is utterly emotionally illiterate.
I doubt anyone doesn’t really understand that sex is actually about intimacy- it’s about having your sexuality - your inner hidden self - accepted and desired. And most people, most of the time, want to be able to express their sexuality and be accepted, desired sexually in a reciprocal relationship.
Why should others look to target the shame or vulnerability that people feel and hope to overcome by having their sexuality accepted and reciprocated - why try to make it shameful need - when it’s just a human need experienced by most of us?

@virtuallyconfused - so would you be OK with your partner having the same online relationship with someone else? Surely you could then both enjoy the ‘holy grail’?

@Dadaist no one is trying to make sex shameful , what is shameful though is planning an affair behind someone’s back and (if they go through with it) putting their partners sexual health at risk !

Maybe talk to her first. Affairs are devastating.

@fuckitpassmethewine I agree with you, planning an affair is a totally shitty thing to do. Although I think OP is just feeling desperate and asking idle questions rather than actually planning anything. I just don’t think it’s fair to say it doesn’t matter - and it does depend how long things have been like this and what has been discussed.

Please do not follow the advice given by Notthefordtype to use a sex worker. This advice makes me so bloody angry. I cannot ever put in to word the destruction it would cause to your wife’s mental health if you go down this route. I hate that on a board where women regularly post for support after discovering affairs or that their husband has used sex workers there is a poster who is openly suggesting married men take this route. I realise it is her profession but feel the promotion of it as an answer to relationship problems is obscene.