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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

can an affair work?

67 replies

tankerman1962 · 03/10/2018 20:58

Hello! I've never discussed my situation before but I'm getting desperate for some help. I'm 56 and my wife is 58. we have been married for 33 years, we have 2 grown up sons. I'm doubting my love for my wife after all these years. we have a lovely house and are a regular hard working couple. we are at the time in our lives when we can do as we please. my wife is going through the menopause at the moment and doing fantastic. she tried HRT but decided to come off it and go it alone. in the main she is doing fab and i'm proud of her. but! there's always a but. my wife as gone off sex and has difficulty being close. I will never push her to do anything she is not happy with. and i'm worried for our future. I'm not ready for a potting shed. I've been questioning my loyalty and love. my question is can i take something to reduce my sex drive ? or can an affair work?

OP posts:

kidsneedfathers · 04/10/2018 01:16

OP you understand that no-one would want to castrate you (i .e. to lower your sex drive). Your wife is going through tough hormonal changes. I would advise you to "please yourself" (masturbate) -be nice to your wife (buy her flowers -bring her a cup of tea/coffee to bed in the morning-...)-bring up with her the nice memories you built up along the years(nice trips- your kids stuff- social faux pas etc), listen together to music you like, have dates etc focus on the romantic aspect and see how this might rekindle your intimacy over the time (be patient). About affairs: it is nice you came for advice here. But dont be surprised if we all feel "cringed" here. Your post are more about your "dick" and less about your wife condition (menopause is tough on us women). Affairs are devastating to all (the betrayer and the betrayed). Please don't indulge in one. Give time to your wife to adjust to her new body-as i suggested above be romantical-make her feel loved and sexy. If this does not work after a while then bring up the subject with her. Be open and considerate. Good Luck.

HarmlessChap · 04/10/2018 01:30

OP you have my sympathies. My DW has been going through the menopause but we are younger. My DW has decided that she wants us to live as friends rather than lovers.

Her expectation is that I should just accept no hugs, no kisses and certainly no sex because we are late 40's and that the way its going to be. Alas finances mean I can not leave but nor can I accept a celibate life devoid of any physical affection or closeness.

Haireverywhere · 04/10/2018 01:34

Harmless chap have you told her you intend to have an affair? She might like some warning to find the money for a divorce after all or she might say crack on.

HarmlessChap · 04/10/2018 01:42

I don't intend any such thing. She knows that I would be homeless if I left now. I have no option but to wait a few years for the children to leave home then maybe we can sell the house and move on.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 01:46

Haha, nice one Op!. Please fuck off now, Yeah?

CarolDanvers · 04/10/2018 01:51

because wanking is a substitute for closeness......

Hey guess what? PIV sex is not the only way to be close with your wife you know. It’s possible to back off and let her go through a time when physical issues are affecting her sex drive without pestering for sex and whining about lack of closeness. Look for it in other ways and if that means going without PIV sex and having a wank for a while then actually that’s perfecty fine.

Oh and may I suggest that you google “ellipsis” and how to use them?

Nightwatch999 · 04/10/2018 02:00

What a c unt you are, just because your wife won't rollover when you say so

NonaGrey · 04/10/2018 02:00

if i was the bad person you would make me out to be,

Do you want to be able to think of yourself as a good person OP?

Do you want your adult children to think of you as a good person?

Do you want to retain the good opinion of your friends and family?

For them to respect you?

If the answer to these questions is “yes” then don’t have an affair.

1forAll74 · 04/10/2018 02:11

Well you can't just have an affair off the cuff like that, not everyone is suitable to have an affair, depends what type of man you are like.

Its not advisable to have an affair, (and I should know ), you have so much to lose if everything went to pot.

Some men used to be given potassium bromide in the war, to kerb their sexual urges, but best not go down that route, there might be bad side effects !!

I can't believe that you are writing about what your needs are really, not after so long a marriage, you have most things that lots of others do not have. But no sex you say, Your wife want's and needs a break, just be kind, and then go and get a potting shed !! Sheds are the way to go. for men with problems.!!

VirtuallyConfused · 04/10/2018 10:11

I'm open about my situation.

So I met someone online and started a friendship which has become sort of a virtual friends with benefits situation. Neither of us want to leave our marriages but both of us have similar issues to that which you describe.

It's strange, but even online, having a close connection with someone - friendship and sexual - can help fill the void of lack of closeness and intimacy at home.

I didn't go looking for this relationship, but can say that it has added a huge amount to my life.

Not a solution that would work for most, I know, but we are happy.

Adora10 · 04/10/2018 10:20

Can't believe some of these posts, your penis is more important than being an honest, kind and faithful person; my god, some horrible folk going about.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 10:22

@VirtuallyConfused, good for you?

Busyworkingbee · 04/10/2018 10:23

Ew! Nice people don't consider affairs.
Just saying.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 10:25

Being open about your situation is nothing to be proud of, adultery is wrong, no matter which way you try switch it up. How open are the pair of you's to your partners?

NotTheFordType · 04/10/2018 10:26

Wouldn't consider an affair, much too easy for feelings to get involved and then it gets messy. Discreet independent sex worker is what you need. Keep it transactional, keep it discreet, keep it condom protected.

VirtuallyConfused · 04/10/2018 10:32

Life isn't simple.

No our partners don't know.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 10:33

No Ford, just because that's your job dosnt make it the norm for most people, prostitutes are not the "easy" answer either, like wtf? How could anyone think any type of affair, be it in person, online or sex work is anyway acceptable? To treat someone who's been your partner for 30 odd years like that says a huge amount about the type of person you are, and it's really the lowest of the low.

ScattyCharly · 04/10/2018 10:33

Talk to her about alternatives to full sex. Blow jobs etc. I don’t think it’s a good idea to search for a drug to alter your sex drive as you shouldn’t interfere with your body like that unless medically necessary.
I have to say that you do sound like a total wanker contemplating cheating on your wife at this stage in a long and happy marriage because she is in menopause. I can understand the sexual frustration but this is just not the answer.

Again, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel and see if you can come up with a solution.

If you had a heart attack or stroke or something like that, you’d expect her to care for you. Not think, oh fuck he’s no fun any more, let’s see if I can swap him for someone who can do fun stuff with me.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 10:34

@VirtuallyConfused, So your not open at all then? Figures.

sadiesnakes · 04/10/2018 10:38

Some men used to be given potassium bromide in the war, to kerb their sexual urges, but best not go down that route, there might be bad side effects !!

I think this is the best advice for someone like you op.

IrianOfW · 04/10/2018 10:39

H has got quite fat and is totally bald.

He is suffering with depression and anxiety and is on a gazillion tablets at the moment to deal with that and had a long-term work-related knee injury. As a result his sex drive is almost zero and we haven't had sex in about 4 weeks and perhaps 3 weeks before that.

Where do I start looking for an affair?

However if you want serious help.... don't have an affair. Affairs rarely stay just about sex - you'll fall for the OW and then you'll decide you don't love your wife, you haven't been happy for years and everything will come crashing down around her ears. She does not deserve that.

Talk to her. Don't nag or criticise. Tell her what you issues are and what can you do to contribute to the solution. DO NOT tell her you are beginning to doubt your love for her as that will not help. Get MC.

As to closeness, she is probably avoiding that as she thinks it will lead to sex. And right now sex is the last thing she feels like. Get close to her in platonic ways and make it clear it's not about sex, it's because you love her and want to be close.

It isn't fair I know but life changes people - I am sure you aren't the same man she married in many ways. Be compassionate, be understanding and don't expect any quick fixes.

VirtuallyConfused · 04/10/2018 10:44

No,

we are not open.

In fairness our relationships are both more complex than just a partner who, for whatever reason, is not currently up for sex.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/10/2018 10:48

Wow, the entitlement.

Heidimay · 04/10/2018 10:50

How would you feel if the situation was the other way round due to some ageing related medical issue you had?!

Courtney555 · 04/10/2018 10:59

What you mean is you want to leave your wife, but you can't for financial reasons until the children have left home and the house can be sold.

Don't be an arse and plan an affair. Your children will judge you far more than the opinions you take umbrage at on here

Why not be a decent person, offer your wife kindness and support until you are both in a position to start new lives. It will make the divorce a lot more amicable.

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