He can’t be trusted can he?

[ThirtyAndUp]

I was with my dp for a year and we briefly split up for a few months (my decision as I felt like he was taking me for granted). He pursued me and promised to change so We got back together in April this year. Since we got back together he’s told me he wants to marry me and have baby. Apparently I’m the one for him.

My gut feeling has been telling me something’s not right. When we got back together he asked me if I’d slept with anyone when we were apart and i said no which is the truth. He said the same but he kept saying he was sure I had. I just want to say I know it is none of my business at all what he did when we weren’t together and it shouldn’t matter but....

I found out he has a second Facebook account and I managed to guess his password (I don’t think he realises he did this) and I had a look. Please don’t flamr me as I know it was wrong to do that. What I found shocked me. He has always insisted that previous girlfriends either cheated on him or dumped him and that he’s a good guy who is unlucky in love. However there were messages from him to other women when he was with his ex asking them if they wanted to come over as he was bored. One of the women had replied telling him to stop being a dick and that his girlfriend didn’t deserve this. There wasn’t anything on there that suggested he has been unfaithful to me
but that isn’t his main Facebook account. Recently he got a text on his phone from a woman (it flashed up when I was sitting next to him) asking him why he had stopped talking to her. I asked him about it and he said it was just a friend who was going through a hard time. I wasn’t convinced but kept quiet.

I was also told recently by two mutual acquaintances that he was sleeping around when we weren’t together. I put it to him that it doesnt matter who he was with, I’m just concerned for my sexual health as we don’t always use condoms (I’m on the pill). I suggested that perhaps we should both get
tested. He went completely mad, said he had never been so insulted in his life, called me a psycho, told me to fuck off and never come back. When I went to leave his house he stopped me from leaving and just shouted at me calling me every name under the sun. I had to talk him down before he would let me leave.

Straight after that he was on the phone apologising and telling me he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he loves me but was just insulted and he’ll do anything to make it up to me.

This isn’t right is it? I need to walk don’t i?

Don’t walk away, run.

Yes you do.

Aside from the trust issues (and yes, he was certainly sleeping with other women when you weren’t together), the shouting, verbal abuse and not letting you leave are deal breakers by themselves.

So sorry

Thanks for replying. I just needed that reassurance as he always makes me feel like I’m paranoid and tells me I’m always looking for reasons to doubt him.

Get tested and fuck him off

Wow. You deserve better. And don't beat yourself up for looking at his second facebook account.

I finally finally after 18 months got the truth out of a situation, not the man himself when I wondered idly if his email nickname was the same as his nn on reddit and omg did I finally get the truth about WHO he was.

You need to get away from this man asap!

Everything about his behaviour sounds awful, from the FB chat to the colleagues/friends telling you he’s a cheat, to the random women texting to the double FB account and that’s before we even get to the abusive behaviour when you dare to speak up and challenge him.

Just leave. Now. It WILL get worse if you dont.

So he is dishonest and abusive. You are so lucky to have found out before you married him, or had a child with him.

Can I just ask something? Is it common for abusive men to push the idea of having a baby very quickly? Pretty much as soon as we got back together he asked when we could start trying. I said definitely not anytime soon and he got upset and played the woe is me act saying he obviously loves me more than I do him. I’ve always thought he just wants to trap me tbh.

I’m going to the walk in gum clinic this afternoon To get tested.

I wouldn’t have bothered looking for the fb stuff. The second he asked about whether I’d slept with anyone when we had broken up, he’d have been on his final warning. As soon as he suggested I was lying, he’d have been gone. Get rid of him and this time don’t go back.

And yes it’s very common for abusive men to do that. They know a baby ties you to them and makes you vulnerable (particularly financially) so you’ll put up with more shit just to stop him leaving.

Run. Run. Run!!!

I would be very concerned about how he reacted to you both getting tested!

Don't sleep with him without protection- your health is so important.

As the pp said using a baby to control you is very common.

You deserve a better partner than this idiot.

Yes, men like this would be quite happy to tie you down with a baby

Yes, run. Interesting that he sets out he was the one treated badly by all his exes when it was him that was the one behaving appallingly. What a piece of work.

Good thing you found that other Facebook account. It confirmed your suspicions.

YES IT IS COMMON

I was coerced in to the second child. I was thinking about leaving. Lining up my ducks. I won't elaborate but it was very manipulative.

That’s domestic violence and is never acceptable, not even as a one off. He reacted in that way to what was really a fairly minor discussion, so can you imagine how he’ll be if you challenge him, or disagree with him, over something more?

Is that the life you want for yourself and your potential kids to think is the norm? ☹️💐

Run for the hills!

Oh yes, the baby trap is a classic.

So he thought he could tantrum you into having a baby?! You've dodged a huge bullet.

If he were so sure you had cheated (which is the first huge red flag) he'd be all too pleased for you both to get tested, don't you think? And why is it OK for him to disbelieve what you got up to when you were apart, but so appalling and insulting for you to doubt him that he has to go all caveman on you and refuse to let you leave? On what planet is this kind of behaviour acceptable? Oh, and if you're a psycho, why does he so badly want to have a baby with you?

Dump now, this minute, before you get around to the clinic. Dump him in your head, although there's less of a rush to tell him. If the test comes back clean as clean it doesn't prove he was telling the truth after all - it means you've been lucky. However, after his performance over the mere suggestion of testing I'd say that whether he was sleeping around is not the main issue any more. This isn't a court of law in which you have to prove he was lying. It's your life, and you deserve to have someone in it who respects and doesn't threaten you.

Everything @Anniegetyourgun said.

He sounds horrible - get rid asap.

Right so I bit the bullet to tell him it’s over. He said here we go again, you’re having doubts and you’re trying to split up with me again. Apparently his friends warned him not to go back to me as I’m trouble. He then said he’s convinced I’ve met someone else otherwise why would I leave? He said he had a few questions to ask me about ‘things that haven’t added up recently’ about my behaviour and he would like me to answer them as he’s sure I’ve been cheating on him. I put the phone down at that point.

He’s now texting me begging for me to speak to him and to give him another chance

Block him and get on with your life. He would have brought you nothing but grief.

Block him. You’ve told him it’s over and there’s nothing further to say. Future contact will only give him more opportunities to abuse you and you don’t need that.