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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He can’t be trusted can he?

63 replies

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 06:32

I was with my dp for a year and we briefly split up for a few months (my decision as I felt like he was taking me for granted). He pursued me and promised to change so We got back together in April this year. Since we got back together he’s told me he wants to marry me and have baby. Apparently I’m the one for him.

My gut feeling has been telling me something’s not right. When we got back together he asked me if I’d slept with anyone when we were apart and i said no which is the truth. He said the same but he kept saying he was sure I had. I just want to say I know it is none of my business at all what he did when we weren’t together and it shouldn’t matter but....

I found out he has a second Facebook account and I managed to guess his password (I don’t think he realises he did this) and I had a look. Please don’t flamr me as I know it was wrong to do that. What I found shocked me. He has always insisted that previous girlfriends either cheated on him or dumped him and that he’s a good guy who is unlucky in love. However there were messages from him to other women when he was with his ex asking them if they wanted to come over as he was bored. One of the women had replied telling him to stop being a dick and that his girlfriend didn’t deserve this. There wasn’t anything on there that suggested he has been unfaithful to me
but that isn’t his main Facebook account. Recently he got a text on his phone from a woman (it flashed up when I was sitting next to him) asking him why he had stopped talking to her. I asked him about it and he said it was just a friend who was going through a hard time. I wasn’t convinced but kept quiet.

I was also told recently by two mutual acquaintances that he was sleeping around when we weren’t together. I put it to him that it doesnt matter who he was with, I’m just concerned for my sexual health as we don’t always use condoms (I’m on the pill). I suggested that perhaps we should both get
tested. He went completely mad, said he had never been so insulted in his life, called me a psycho, told me to fuck off and never come back. When I went to leave his house he stopped me from leaving and just shouted at me calling me every name under the sun. I had to talk him down before he would let me leave.

Straight after that he was on the phone apologising and telling me he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he loves me but was just insulted and he’ll do anything to make it up to me.

This isn’t right is it? I need to walk don’t i?

OP posts:

Doghorsechicken · 03/10/2018 09:50

This is not a normal relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 03/10/2018 09:53

Deceitful, sleeps around, controlling and abusive. You can do better than this loser.

Original poster

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 09:55

I’m overwhelmed by the support on here. I really appreciate it.

lavender and ohfour thank you for being so lovely You are right that being on my own is better than being treated like this

OP posts:

Fonduefrolics · 03/10/2018 09:56

So good to hear you’ve dumped him.

I agree with everyone who says these are classic abuser tactics. He sounds like a textbook example! I’m doing the Freedom Programme with Women’s Aid and it’s really opened my eyes, if you get a chance to join or sign up for the online course, go for it. Ultimately it’s much better to be a bit lonely by yourself than stuck with a man like him xx

Stay strong x

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 03/10/2018 09:58

Sparklyfee · 03/10/2018 10:01

He sounds awful. Well done, you can now meet someone who deserves you. Keep him blocked!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/10/2018 10:26

Wow, what a cliche he is. You've made the right choice.

Wants to immediately marry and have a baby - tick.
Paranoia you slept with someone - tick.
Previous exes treated him bad or were "psychos" - tick.
"Friend" going through a tough time - tick.
Explodes with anger when you stand up to him - tick.
"Defends" you from criticism from everyone else - tick.
Calls you psycho - tick.
Honestly, he ticks every box.

I am worried about being on my own and being lonely.
People like you are like a magnet to abusers like him, sadly.

magoria · 03/10/2018 11:29

Well done.

Unfortunately you know he was messing around so you still need a trip to the STI clinic.

Beaverhausen · 03/10/2018 11:43

We are all afraid of loneliness OP and that is why unfortunately at times we end up in the wrong types of relationships like this one.

But give it time, find your own happiness and do not look for it in a man, only then will you find you will be able to see chaff from the wheat and find the right man for you or he might find you. Trust me you will be happy with the right person and only time will heal.

But you do not need a sociopath in your life like this piece of work is. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! XX

Olderbyaminute · 03/10/2018 18:42

I think a lot of people go through life thinking everyone else is kind and good-your experience with that man reveals that not to be true. It isn’t always easy to read people and their motives is it? Loneliness sucks and sometimes we settle with a partner we would normally never give the time of day! Try to stay very cautious about that fool just in case he tries to win you back. Enjoy your friends and family and if perhaps your job offers you access to counseling you might want to use it? If so perhaps discuss your experience with them. Good luck

Butterfly44 · 03/10/2018 18:50

Well done OP. It was the right thing to do. Lots of red flags there!

UserMillionBillion · 03/10/2018 19:00

Well done on the new sim card. That's what helped me get free - mentally I mean.

It is a classic drama bait, telling you that you were trouble, that your story doesn't add up. He's reversing the roles, putting you in the position where you defend yourself to him ! ha! I completely agree with every word of anniegetyourgun's post. The double standard and the hypocrisy is breath taking. But if you fell for it, you'd be drawn back in and then you'd lose track of the fact that you broke it off with him, you'd be on the hamster wheel defending your good name to a piece of shit. My x had me on this hamster wheel for years
Until I left and changed my sim and got a new email address. He rang my parents house at 3 am believe it or not but he had the 'right' as we had DC. hmm. Well done getting free

UserMillionBillion · 03/10/2018 19:03

check out meredith miller inner integration on youtube and also ross rosenberg. He has a clip the cure for co-dependency (?) and he says it is caused by loneliness. In my case it wasn't quite caused by loneliness but I wanted to appear normal, I didn't want to appear lonely!

Ross Rosenberg has a book called the human magnet syndrome which would be worth a read if you fear being lonely or fear meeting this kind of asshole again.

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