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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He can’t be trusted can he?

63 replies

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 06:32

I was with my dp for a year and we briefly split up for a few months (my decision as I felt like he was taking me for granted). He pursued me and promised to change so We got back together in April this year. Since we got back together he’s told me he wants to marry me and have baby. Apparently I’m the one for him.

My gut feeling has been telling me something’s not right. When we got back together he asked me if I’d slept with anyone when we were apart and i said no which is the truth. He said the same but he kept saying he was sure I had. I just want to say I know it is none of my business at all what he did when we weren’t together and it shouldn’t matter but....

I found out he has a second Facebook account and I managed to guess his password (I don’t think he realises he did this) and I had a look. Please don’t flamr me as I know it was wrong to do that. What I found shocked me. He has always insisted that previous girlfriends either cheated on him or dumped him and that he’s a good guy who is unlucky in love. However there were messages from him to other women when he was with his ex asking them if they wanted to come over as he was bored. One of the women had replied telling him to stop being a dick and that his girlfriend didn’t deserve this. There wasn’t anything on there that suggested he has been unfaithful to me
but that isn’t his main Facebook account. Recently he got a text on his phone from a woman (it flashed up when I was sitting next to him) asking him why he had stopped talking to her. I asked him about it and he said it was just a friend who was going through a hard time. I wasn’t convinced but kept quiet.

I was also told recently by two mutual acquaintances that he was sleeping around when we weren’t together. I put it to him that it doesnt matter who he was with, I’m just concerned for my sexual health as we don’t always use condoms (I’m on the pill). I suggested that perhaps we should both get
tested. He went completely mad, said he had never been so insulted in his life, called me a psycho, told me to fuck off and never come back. When I went to leave his house he stopped me from leaving and just shouted at me calling me every name under the sun. I had to talk him down before he would let me leave.

Straight after that he was on the phone apologising and telling me he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he loves me but was just insulted and he’ll do anything to make it up to me.

This isn’t right is it? I need to walk don’t i?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2018 07:38

"Trying to" split up with him? No, you HAVE split up with him. Failing to respect your decision is yet more proof that it was the right one. It doesn't matter what he believes. You have nothing to prove, to him or his friends (who almost certainly said nothing of the sort). Well done for putting the phone down.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2018 07:48

What a charmer he is.

peanut2017 · 03/10/2018 07:56

You have done the right thing. Stay well away from someone like this. Typical abusive behavior - blowing hot and cold so your head is all over the place and this becomes the new normal for you.

It's abusive and toxic - you've had a lucky escape. Imagine having a child with this person.

You deserve better treatment

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 08:04

Now is the time to block him.
Well done on ending it.
Now stick to your guns.,
He sounds like an abusive, manipulative bully.
You can do far far better and you know it.
Never EVER 'settle'
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

BlancheM · 03/10/2018 08:06

He's ticking every box on the abuser checklist even down to making you think his friends think you're a wrong 'un. Absolute bastard.
You're right to get rid now- before you're completely brainwashed and tied to him with a child. Good on you for getting tested, there's no shame in looking after your health. His 'insult' reaction just showed his immaturity and possibly that he's hiding something.

AssignedNorthern · 03/10/2018 08:09

Sounds like he's trying to rewrite history to make you the bad guy OP. Don't listen to that noise. He's projecting the things he's done onto you. Block him and forget him and take care of yourself.

SummerStrong · 03/10/2018 08:13

No, he clearly can't be trusted.

And besides...don't stay with a man who shouts abuse at you.

You're worth more than this. Please run.

PolytheneSam · 03/10/2018 08:14

Block him, don't bother. Don't waste your time.

ittakes2 · 03/10/2018 08:16

He stopped you leaving his house...scary...do you really have to ask if you should leave him or not? He sounds pyscho and I would be worried for your safety. I agree with others - don't walk - run as fast as you can.

Original poster

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 08:32

I’ve gone one step further than blocking him and I’ve got a new SIM card. It might seem extreme but He managed to get me back last time after our break up (even though I blocked him he was still finding ways to get in touch like using different mobile phones, calling off withheld number etc).

I just need a fresh start now away from him. I do feel like he has messed with my head though.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 08:36

I do feel like he has messed with my head though
Unfortunately that is exactly what abusers do.
Don't doubt yourself.
New sim card is good shout.
Now get out there and enjoy your freedom!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/10/2018 08:36

He‘s ticking so many classic abuser boxes. Glad to hear you finished with him. Horrible man.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 03/10/2018 08:37

op, he got you back once - that's within the realm of 'sensible woman trying to work out if she did the right thing'. No one would judge you for that.

They'll think you're a right numpty if you take him back a second time though, esp with all the evidence, so mind you don't sorry, tongue bit in cheek there but I am serious underneath it! Please don't take him back, he's obv an idiot and immature with it.

cholka · 03/10/2018 08:49

Well done OP! Dodged a bullet there. Maybe a spot of counselling might be useful to help you work out why you were attracted to him?
Look again at your post about telling him it was over:
trying to split up with me he doesn't recognise you as an independent person capable of choosing to break up with him
his friends warned him I'm trouble makes it look like he's been standing up for you and other people think poorly of you, then you're going to prove them right and disappoint him, massively manipulative and makes it sound like he's the only one who believes in you which I'm sure is 100% not true
convinced I've met someone else again trying to make out you aren't good enough, who cares if you had met someone else?
he had a few questions he's trying to turn this from you breaking up with him into him interrogating you, making you feel like you have to defend yourself so he takes you back - wtf
I know you're doing really well changing your SIM and all, keep up your resolve, check in with your real friends and don't go anywhere near this turd of a man again.
It's really common for abusive men to try to get women pregnant so they become dependent and less able to leave. It's also sadly really common for physical violence to begin during pregnancy. Don't go back.

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2018 08:53

Well done! If he contacts you again somehow, like showing up at your home, I'd call the police if he doesn't leave (don't open the door to him). He's classically abusive.

Daftapath · 03/10/2018 08:53

Well done OP! A new SIM card is a great idea.

Does he have keys for your house? If so, please change your locks ASAP. He strikes me as the kind of (abusive) guy who will not let you go easily so he may turn up at yours/your work so please take care and be vigilant.

Good luck!

Original poster

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 08:57

Daft no he doesn’t have keys luckily. I don’t think he will try to get me back this time. When I broke up with him he said he won’t give me the satisfaction of grovelling and begging like he did before. Hopefully that’s the end of it.

OP posts:

feelingfree17 · 03/10/2018 09:02

Please, please leave. Don’t hang around to listen to any more of his bullshit! He is the one who has cheated but is projecting it on to you. Enraged as he doesn’t like the spotlight on him as it starts to unearth the true him. You need to get away fast otherwise you are in for a lifetime of head fuck, gaslighting, lying, manipulating, abusive misery!

LavenderBush · 03/10/2018 09:04

Yes, he sounds like he will fight dirty to keep you if he can (all the while telling you you're not worthy of him.... ).

He thinks he has got his next victim nicely enmeshed and he doesn't want to go to all the trouble of grooming a new one from scratch.

As I read this thread I was thinking, "Thank God she's finished with him and thank God she's even got a new sim card."

He is a classic abuser and yes he has messed with your head - but not for so long that you can't find your way out.

Have you got anyone IRL that you can talk to about this and get support from? Friends, family?

Original poster

ThirtyAndUp · 03/10/2018 09:15

Hi lavender I do have friends and family who are supporting me luckily. They are all really relieved I’ve ended things. Tbh they were horrified I went back in the first place.

I’m not going to lie. I am worried about being on my own and being lonely. I think I clung onto this guy because I’d been single a long time before I first met him and have struggled to meet anyone else. All of my friends are married but I know I need to put myself out there more and actively try to meet new people so that I can hopefully find a decent relationship.

OP posts:

PolkaDoting · 03/10/2018 09:30

Better single than with an eejit like this!!!

LavenderBush · 03/10/2018 09:39

Really glad you have people around you who are on your side. This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work and you are a million times better off being single than being with him. Now you have got your freedom to get on with your life and take your time finding someone worth having.

You sound really organised and self-aware. A lot of the time I read these threads and just despair because people have got sucked in with an abusive partner and now they've been with him 10 years and are tied down with kids and their heads have been messed with so much that they don't feel they can ever escape. It's so great to hear about someone who has got the courage and support to get out of that before they get trapped.

Daftapath · 03/10/2018 09:40

That's a relief that he doesn't have keys. Please don't assume that he will let you go easily. Tell people what is going on and always keep your charged phone with you.

The only reason to keep your old number (maybe in an old phone) would be to keep a record of what he is sending you if he does escalate. Don't want to worry you but he is classic abuser (got the t-shirt!)

Yes, you are so much better single than with someone like him!

ohfourfoxache · 03/10/2018 09:43

Never ever settle just because you think you’ll be lonely.

Even the most extreme loneliness is better than being abused.

I’m so so glad you dumped him, you deserve much better

cakecakecheese · 03/10/2018 09:49

At least his behaviour is letting you know loud and clear that you've made the correct decision. Keep a copy of any abusive messages he's already sent you but block him from contacting you in any way.

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