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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm being ghosted. Tell me your ghosting stories!

74 replies

Casperandme · 01/10/2018 06:02

I think I'm about to be ghosted after a couple of months of pretty intense contact etc. It was all fine and dandy then last week he was 'busy' so the responses were few and far between and no conversations were started by him at all (which was a complete change). Then: like a stone between the eyes, a message with no response.

And the thing that is truly horrid about ghosting is when you're an optimist like I am you take the messages at face value (maybe he is busy! Maybe he's lost his phone!) because you think they are a nice person that wouldn't do that etc.

So in my case you message again to be sure, and the message is seen but not responded to Sad It's now been a week since we've had a normal conversation/seen each other.

I know I need to sit on my hands to retain my dignity but it's soooo hard to not have some sort of closure or to keep trying, chanting to myself: he's just busy etc. Plus I get so angry about feeling like this, and that I'm being treated like this by someone I trusted.

What are your ghosting stories? How did you cope? Any tips?

OP posts:
LongWalkShortPlank · 01/10/2018 07:12

Not myself, but my friend was just ghosted and I saw how it made her feel. The only advice I have is don't give him benefit of your time. So don't send anymore messages, keep yourself busy etc. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 01/10/2018 07:25

It's horrible isn't it. But it's not your fault. It's them not having the guts to be an adult. I've been ghosted twice and both times I called them out on it, first one I got a meaningless reply days later so blocked him. The second I'd been dating for months so I phoned him and forced him to talk like a grown up. We split up obviously but at least got closure. Have you phoned rather than messaged? WhatsApp is horrendous when you are feeling like this. Good luck OP and remember it's not your fault when someone else is a coward.

Creeper8 · 01/10/2018 07:30

please dont phone him. that would be really desperate

Millieboohoo · 01/10/2018 07:34

Try not to send any more messages, ghosting is a cowards way of dealing with people. It happened to me recently and it just leaves me with a bad feeling about a person, whereas if they’d been honest and up front I would’ve had respect for them. Maybe they do have a lot going on in their life but how long does it take to tap out a quick message to explain that.

Samantha2018 · 01/10/2018 07:34

Similar experience but then a girlfriend/mother of child got in touch! Seemed the contact stopped because she had found out! I had no idea they mustn't have lived together for him to have spent so much time with me?

BowieCat · 01/10/2018 07:38

It is definitely the coward's way out. I know what you mean about lack of closure though, I think that plays a big part.

If you have the courage I would block his number but I say that as someone who has never been able to. All I managed was to archive so it wasn't there all the time.

He blanked me in real life as well which was shit but rammed home what an utter twat he apparently was.

Sorry it's happening though. You're better than that, try to keep that at the front of your mind.

DianaT1969 · 01/10/2018 07:38

He isn't too busy to text you. Sorry that you aren't getting closure (it's hard, I've been there). Take it that it's over and start dating again. It's hurtful when you've got to know someone and think of them as your friend. It doesn't make sense that they can do this. Feels cruel and cowardly. Definitely selfish and shows a lack of respect. Keeping you on the back burner in case his new interest doesn't work out.
Don't let him come back in a month - if he can do this once, he'll do it again.

springydaff · 01/10/2018 08:05

I just don't see phoning him as 'really desperate'. I see it as a chance to insist on a mature, respectful end.

Call the fucker.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/10/2018 08:58

When did you send the first message? I think you can’t do more , if you call him then chances are he’ll just avoid as he clearly can’t even write a text to end things so an a actual conversation will be out of his depth. Block him and concentrate other things. Keep yourself busy xx

dilly123 · 01/10/2018 09:11

It's happened to me several times & it's horrible & hurtful... sadly a bi-product of messaging & OLD. Very cowardly of them.

Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:22

My DD (17) is currently in.the process of effectively ghosting a boy who's becoming a bit too clingy - messaging daily all through the day and getting angsty/moody if she doesn't respond quick enough. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings by saying she's not attracted to him anymore so she's attempting the slow fade I guess. I think most ghosters aren't heartless monsters, they just don't want to truthfully hurt the other person by switching 360 on them but end up inadvertently hurting them anyway. Very few people can take being told 'I've gone completely of you' with good grace.

Original poster
Casperandme · 01/10/2018 09:32

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone with this.

I knew the second message (yesterday) was undignified but I had to send it to check I think if the one last Friday was ignored for some other reason. I was used to hearing so often too - multiple times a day in fact.

Interesting thoughts about calling vs not calling. I can't decide.

Also have a thought about a new red flag - he said he was seeing a girl back in May/June but it just petered out. Now I'm wondering if he ghosted her too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Casperandme · 01/10/2018 09:32

Onemans maybe your dd should just tell him? It really is nicer.

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 01/10/2018 09:32

Being ghosted is far more hurtful than someone saying gently, but clearly, "I don't want to continue in a relationship with you", although of course I would not judge a 17 year old girl for engaging in this behaviour - especially with a boy who is potentially abusive.

For emotionally mature adults though, it's really passive aggressive. Not giving someone closure can be crazy making, and it has far more to do with the individuals desire to avoid any kind of conflict/discomfort, than it has to do with not wishing to hurt the other.

Original poster
Casperandme · 01/10/2018 09:39

It's especially hard when he messaged so often I actually felt like my boundaries were breached sometimes ie once I didn't reply and he sent three more over a couple of hours until I did. So I know he's perfectly able to message when he wants to.

I think it's extra hard as well because hope fades slowly, whereas when you have a conversation you know what you're dealing with right away

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:40

Casper yes you're right, maybe all ghosters should...but they don't - and I don't think as I say it's because they're all cruel people, I think its because they don't want to purposefully hurt people and as I said, end up doing it inadvertently anyway. The 'ick' is a hard thing to put into words, I think.

NordicNobody · 01/10/2018 09:41

I had a guy do this, he claimed to be soooooo busy on his bugger-all contact hours a week course so he couldn't possibly respond to any messages. Meanwhile I was a medical student so I was actually genuinely really busy and didn't appreciate having my very limited amount of free time wasted. I text him to tell him how disrespectful his behaviour was and that in future if he was no longer interested in a woman he shouldn't be such a coward about it. He replied with an apology and I left it there. I don't know why some men seem to think they're such heart breakers that a polite break up text would be too devastating for a woman to cope with, and that she'd much prefer to pine and wonder. I can just imagine that kind of guy thinking "shall I text her today breaking it off? No, not today, it's too cruel. Let her hope a little while longer." Mate, no one gives a shit, you aren't all that. Grrrr.

The funniest one I had though was after 2 dates with a guy. The first date went really well, the second was a bit luke warm. I figured I'd give it "best of 3" so text him to ask if he was free again at some point. He text me back basically saying he couldn't meet up again because he had to go and visit his aunt.... in Scotland... forever. Fair enough, gave me a laugh at least.

In short, I don't buy the nonsense about "seeming desperate", and in fact I think men bank on woman thinking like that in order to behave like shits. The more often they get called out on it, the less likely they are to do it again. So I'd text him saying you don't have time for his shit, what's the deal?

Unobtainable · 01/10/2018 09:42

Is he still on the dating site(s)? He’s probably back with the girl he saw in June or, he’s met someone new or, he’s married.

Very common in OLD.

I once told someone I’d been seeing for five months that I didnt want to continue seeing him and he went berzerk. Accused me of leading him on and ruining his life. His brother and mother both harassed me too. Awful.

I ended it with someone else after two and a half years due to abusive behaviour and he had a breakdown and said I’d destroyed him. Stalked me for six months. Awful.

To be honest I can see the atteaction in ghosting.

Original poster
Casperandme · 01/10/2018 09:44

Has anyone ever had someone ghost them then come back and pretend nothing is wrong? I'm worried about this and need to be prepared to give him his marching orders if it happens.

Or maybe I'm just being too optimistic again Grin

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:44

I think its a minefield where you have to be honest with yourself, no message is a message. It's a shit message, but it's right there and you owe it to yourself to give yourself a little time to feel shit about it, realise it's not personal - and then move forward 😊

Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:46

OP...yes that happens all the time! If I remember rightly from my OLD days (meet DH on Tinder) , they leave you a few weeks so you know to have low expectations...and then pop up, all breezy Grin

GreenMeerkat · 01/10/2018 09:47

I was ghosted at 21 and took it pretty badly. It was my first serious relationship, we'd been together a few months and was quite intense (mostly on his part tbh), we had already spoken about the future and all sorts. I was at uni at the time and he was working but he's usually come over to my flat after work most days and we'd spend weekends together.

Then one day, bam! Gone. Nothing from him. At all..... That was it.

Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:48

Also, I was ghosted after 4 years and after knowing him for 18 years...so if I can get over that, so can you Grin I'm now married to my lovely DH who I met on Tinder...timing is everything 😊

Original poster
Casperandme · 01/10/2018 09:49

no message is a message.

This is true I suppose!

I also found a good article on ghosting just now ...

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

My feelings are pretty hurt (they really are) but think I'm dealing by reading about the psychology of it

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 01/10/2018 09:51

Interesting article.