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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm being ghosted. Tell me your ghosting stories!

74 replies

Casperandme · 01/10/2018 06:02

I think I'm about to be ghosted after a couple of months of pretty intense contact etc. It was all fine and dandy then last week he was 'busy' so the responses were few and far between and no conversations were started by him at all (which was a complete change). Then: like a stone between the eyes, a message with no response.

And the thing that is truly horrid about ghosting is when you're an optimist like I am you take the messages at face value (maybe he is busy! Maybe he's lost his phone!) because you think they are a nice person that wouldn't do that etc.

So in my case you message again to be sure, and the message is seen but not responded to Sad It's now been a week since we've had a normal conversation/seen each other.

I know I need to sit on my hands to retain my dignity but it's soooo hard to not have some sort of closure or to keep trying, chanting to myself: he's just busy etc. Plus I get so angry about feeling like this, and that I'm being treated like this by someone I trusted.

What are your ghosting stories? How did you cope? Any tips?

OP posts:
Cheryllou · 01/10/2018 21:18

Bugger that YOU have the last word. Send the shit a text telling him you were about to dump him anyway cos he was unfulfilling in bed and not really your intellectual equal but you felt sorry for him. Then delete his number and get drunk with your mates. That's what I'd do. Fact is there are some horrible people out there and thank goodness you didn't 'reader, I married him'. Internet makes it all too easy for worms to thrive but ultimately they've got to live with their past knowing they hurt people and didn't live a good life. Hopefully alone. With herpes. You meanwhile can meet someone genuine. Good luck x

Orangecake123 · 01/10/2018 21:48

I had a 9 month thing with a boy I was in love with. We were talking pretty much every day, then he just stopped replying to my messages in october and that was so bloody painful. I messaged him in janurary just saying happy new year. We got back in touch a few times but I went off him in the end because I didn't feel like I could trust him not to do it again.

DaffoDeffo · 01/10/2018 21:48

casper in all honesty this guy never really saw it as a bad thing. He just let himself go with the flow and allowed himself to be super intense - he went along for the ride and genuinely enjoyed every minute. Then one day he woke up and was like 'what the fuck' and it changed overnight. I think they all follow the same pattern, it's just a question of how long it takes to get to the oh fuck moment.

That super intensity is not real. It's not sustainable. But it feels utterly fabulous. It's like being addicted to the drug called super intense excitement. But like all drugs, it wears off and when it wears off they vanish!

Orangecake123 · 01/10/2018 21:49

Atleast he was honest. His excuse was that he didn't like getting close to people! Hmm

Orangecake123 · 01/10/2018 21:51

@Cheryllou

Brilliant reply- I loved the with with herpes bit!

MedicinalGin · 01/10/2018 21:56

I got suddenly ghosted by a very old and dear friend. She’d had an awful miscarriage and found out that I was newly pregnant. It was pretty shit tbh- I could totally understand why she did it but it was a horrible feeling to know that I was being deliberately avoided and ignored. She has since had a baby and speaks to me again now but it isn’t the same and I doubt it ever can be.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/10/2018 21:59

Send the shit a text telling him you were about to dump him anyway cos he was unfulfilling in bed and not really your intellectual equal but you felt sorry for him. Then delete his number and get drunk with your mates.

This has got to be the best way to deal with a ghoster!

LumpSatAloneInABoggyMarsh · 01/10/2018 22:30

I don't get why people do this! I hope you feel better soon OP

I got ghosted by a guy I was seeing for 6 months. He just stopped replying for 4 days. I sent a couple of messages just checking he was ok. Saw he was opening them and not replying so figured I was being ghosted and stopped trying.

He would meet me at the bus stop after work on Fridays and come stay the weekend and on the fifth day of no contact he was just stood there as normal waiting for me. I happened to be on the top deck and saw him there so I didn't get off the bus!

Took about 30 minutes before he realised I wasn't getting off a bus and he started messaging loads asking where I was, should he pick up wine etc

I opened and read every single one but ignored him. The last message I saw was one saying "I guess you could call this Karma, my heart is breaking. I learnt my lesson, shall I just come over now?" before I blocked him on everything.

For a week he was at that bloody bus stop waiting for me! I clocked up loads of extra steps staying on the bus a few stops and walking back around the long way Grin

Didsomeonesaybunny · 01/10/2018 22:40

Has anyone ever had someone ghost them then come back and pretend nothing is wrong? I'm worried about this and need to be prepared to give him his marching orders if it happens

Sadly yes. My ex is the king of the ghosters and has ghosting every single gf he has ever had. It’s cowardice that drove his behaviour and likely is the same for your guy.

My ex probably ghosted me a good 4 times, each time a little more severe; address and number changes etc. Even when I’d beg for answers he wouldn’t give them to me and social media stalking would tell me he’d met someone else.

The thing about ghosting is that it can leave you feeling totally bereft, questioning yourself and searching for answers for a long time. My ex uses this method of separation as it weakens his victims and facilitates an easy return when things don’t work out with his latest victim.

My ex will do this to his current gf, he’s already cheated on her and she will do something that will irrationally irritate him and he will be gone, I am so relieved to be out of it.

My advice would be don’t look back.

Original poster
Casperandme · 02/10/2018 06:19

Some of you were right - I got a message! “Hey. Sorry I didn’t reply to your messages but I was busy.”

I replied with a joke about ghosting that he deflected by asking how I was, then I said I wanted to know what was going on and if he wants to call it a day that’s fine I just want to know, to which he replied ‘everything’s fine’ then left the conversation hanging a couple of messages later.

But - they aren’t fine coz now I’ve seen what a coward he is and am very angry, both at him for being a coward and myself for not sending that message someone suggested upthread.

In a way though now at least I know I’ll never get my closure in that it’ll only come from within me so I’m going to sulk for a bit then try and just move on.

I’ve know idea if he’ll message again but am inclined to block even though that takes so much willpower doesn’t it?

OP posts:
limescaleAHHHHH · 02/10/2018 06:36

Cut your loses now, I would send an eye rolling emoji and then block him.

And then DO NOT SEND ANY MORE TEXTS. If he replies IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Your dignity is hanging by a thread here.

I went through what seemed like endless ghosting while was on OLD. Yet get hardened to dealing with it.

Original poster
Casperandme · 02/10/2018 06:40

I will try my hardest! I don’t want to lose my dignity here ..

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 02/10/2018 06:41

I don't know why you engaged op. It would've been far more satisfying to ignore or tell him you're not interested. Now you've showed him you're bothered and hopeful, and given him a chance to leave you hanging again.

UserMillionBillion · 02/10/2018 06:42

Not really ghosted as we'd only been on one date but it went well so Confused but anyway, we'd been whatsapping a lot in the run up to the date, got on well on the date and then......... he sent a linkedIn request! communicating through the medium of avoiding words.

limescaleAHHHHH · 02/10/2018 06:45

And yeah, sorry but @GloomyMonday is right

UserMillionBillion · 02/10/2018 06:46

OP you need to get turned off. He's seeing how much you'll take. This distancing after being close is bullshit, but men do it to avoid ending up in a committed relationship even though the liked what you had, they want it again but they want to be able to pick it up and put it down and they don't care that it leaves you feeling crazy upset and confused. GET TURNED OFF BY THAT.

It's ok not to reply to his texts, just ignore his next round of checkin texts. It's just to see if you're still an option.

At the moment he's just thinking, well good, she's still an option and he's not scared of losing you.

UserMillionBillion · 02/10/2018 06:58

Oh I'm glad I'm not the only one who called a try-to-be-ghoster, I'd been going out with a man for 7 weeks and we'd had conversations and it felt intense. Et cetera. Blah blah. He went on holiday and I never heard from him again. I knew it was over but I rang him, withheld my number obviously and he picked up, shocked, he said I was going to call you em, I'm busy can I call you tomorrow. I said absolutely not. I'll say this now. So I said what I had to say and he blustered and dithered. I was calm. It felt good. I was braver than he was and we both knew that in the phone call.

I think it's not always bad to phone but ONLY if you're calm, collected, know you've dodged a bullet with the situation (even if you could have cared if they'd behaved better)

Original poster
Casperandme · 02/10/2018 07:00

You’re right gloomy. I’m going to block him now. Sad

The pep talk is very helpful also

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 02/10/2018 07:21

Agree with Gloomy. I think you need to shut this down properly. Send a message saying something like "Actually I've been thinking - I don't think everything's fine, I think this has run its course and we should knock it on the head. Take care." Then block him.

Sonjing · 02/10/2018 09:24

Gosh I despair at the state of the dating world. If these are the new dating norms, I want to be single forever.

Original poster
Casperandme · 02/10/2018 09:33

margot great line ‘I think this has run its course’

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 26/03/2021 20:48

@TheSaxMum

OK - here's the take from the Ghost's point of view. In the summer, I logged onto a sex contact website, paid my money and got chatting to a couple of women. The electronic 'chat' was extremely spicy and stimulating for all parties concerned. With one woman, the conversation moved on to real time, real life phone calls during which there was a great deal of satisfaction for both sides. Things actually cooled down (they HAD to - they couldn't have got hotter!) and over the summer, I moved on, mentally. I left the website and went back, so to speak, to my wife and family. So - it was just a mad summer 'fling', modern style. Only the thing is, she will not leave me along. There have been lots of emails, of varying tone, some distinctly hostile, almost scary in their intensity, others wheedling and some just downright strange. OK - I am a middle aged man in a respectable job. I have four kids and wife who would utterly horrified and disgusted at my conduct. In my defence, no one got hurt, I did not leave the family, or risk my wife's health. The woman concerned was in a very responsible job, yes, she is a lot younger than me - 33 to my 54 - but she is an adult none the less. She is actually in a relationship with a woman who I assume knows nothing of her lover's conduct. I find it hard to understand why it is so difficult for her to just accept that whatever 'it' was, has happened and is over. Why bombard me with emails, phone calls that have no number associated (but I know fine well that it is her). It is done with. That is why I ghost her.
Bit late to the party with this but I have been researching ghosting for a while. What the hell? I am careful about being judgemental, though I don't understand why someone in a seemingly happy marriage wants to do something like this. Though it looks like the platform is a free for all for those who want to muck around in this way and everyone knows the score. If you think your wife and kids would be disgusted, why are you not disgusted with yourself? Why do you need to do this stuff?
Nonamemoana · 26/03/2021 21:12

Sandra15

In my experience, men who have something to fall back on, or something to fall into, will quite happily ghost after their balls have been emptied. They were never emotionally invested in the first place.

These types of men will say anything, and do anything, to get their dicks wet.

Ewwww.

MsJinks · 26/03/2021 21:43

I think some of it is so they can pick up later if they want - or think they can - they never finished it or had an awkward conversation so all is good - men have simple minds - usually found in their pants. I think this drop, then pick up, rinse repeat is called zombie ing. So easy to see they’re shits from the outside, so hurtful and difficult when it’s happening to you. You deserve better OP - stick to it!

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