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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP avoiding me

59 replies

Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:09

I've been with DP for 3 years. We moved in together 2 months ago and he has been pretty much avoiding me since Sad

At the moment we are having some building work done to our house so we've only got two bedrooms and one of my DC's in in with us and the other DC's are within earshot as their bedroom is open IYWIM (no doors). So we get one night a week child free, this is the only night we get to DTD.

Friday night DP slept on the sofa 'so I wouldn't wake you with my snoring' apparently so slept until gone 2pm yesterday, I'd taken my DC's out by that point.

I came home at 7pm with lovely food and beer cos DP didn't want to go out. Had a lovely evening. By 1am I was shattered and said I'm off to bed, please come with me and DP said 'I'll be 20 mins just finishing my drink.' Still hasn't come up at 3.45am Hmm

So our child free time has gone as I'm off out to pick up DS1 for footy and he's coming back here.

This has been a regular thing. He won't come to bed at the same time and then sleeps most of the following day. It seems like he's actively avoiding me and being intimate with me and tbh I'm getting really fucked off with it!

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 30/09/2018 08:14

I'd move out again. It shouldn't be like this. Does your DP have children or are they all yours? And how many? I suspect he may be finding it difficult to adjust to the DCs being around all the time rather than you, and maybe he's trying to grab some 'alone' time. You need to talk.....

BitOutOfPractice · 30/09/2018 08:15

Have you asked him about it?

SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 08:17

Was your sex life good before you moved in together?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/09/2018 08:18

Whenever I read these threads about the woman going to bed and the man staying downstairs for hours afterwards I'm always assuming he's looking at or doing something he shouldn't be while his wife is safely in bed.

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:19

I have 2dcs and they aren't his. He doesn't have any.

I have asked him about it, he says 'Sorry, it's just I can't get to sleep early' promises to make more effort, then doesn't. Last night was not early, it was 1am! I made the effort to stay up even though I'd beennup since 7am with my DD. Wtf is the point though? I'm basically living with someone who, at the weekend, keeps teenager hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:20

Our sex life has been hard going as he has ED but that hasn't been like that for a while.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 30/09/2018 08:22

I have a friend who has recently experienced something similar. In their case, he struggled to adjust to living with her dc, missed his time alone and regretted the move. He's moved out again. I think you just have to talk to him. It could be a temporary pressure due to the renovations, or something more serious that needs to be addressed. He may be thinking that things will get better, that he just needs to ride it out and get used to the adjustment, but be unaware that he's hurting you while he does it.

InstagramPork · 30/09/2018 08:23

You’re housemates not a couple by the sounds of it.
I would say that to him

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:24

Instagram it certainly feels like that.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 30/09/2018 08:25

I think going from living alone to living with a dp and two stepchildren is a huge thing. He will have ingrained habits - such as keeping teenage hours on weekends - that will be hard to break. I guess it is compromise and adjustment on both sides, but I myself cannot imagine going from my own tranquil bed to sharing a room with a partner and child. Not insurmountable if you love each other.

Artofpretending · 30/09/2018 08:30

Well it’s you and your dc moving in that has changed things so I would have a word with him about how committed to that he is.

SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 08:34

The building works also add additional stress to the situation. It means he has to be ready to perform within a limited time when your DC aren't there and it's not spontaneous any more.

That could cause his ED to return as well.

Sex also doesn't have to happen in the bedroom...so why not try initiating before bedtime.

It could also be he's not got a high drive and doesn't feel in the mood.

fieryginger · 30/09/2018 08:41

I've done the staying up on my own thing, I need time alone or I feel like I can't breathe. It's not healthy though, if it comes at the expense of your relationship. Does DH work, if he gets to sleep in??

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:46

I am trying to be patient with him but needed to vent here. But it's his behaviour that's causing this problem. I am gutted that we waited 3 years to try and stop this fucking up and within two months issues are rearing their head. I'm hoping it's just teething problems Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:48

The time alone thing I get. But he's frequently alone. He was alone from 10pm on Friday night until 7pm yesterday. Now he'll be alone all day. I'm not in his face all the time and neither are the DC's. But surely it's normal to want to spend more time than that with the people you live with?

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bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 08:51

I would wonder about porn/alcohol/emotional avoidance and passive-aggression. Do you still have a home to return to? Don't set a precedent by putting up with this.

adaline · 30/09/2018 09:24

It's a big step, going from living alone to living with a partner and two children that aren't yours. Maybe he's finding it all a bit overwhelming? Or maybe it's just not quite as he imagined it would be? I mean, all that, combined with the building works and having an unrelated child in your bed/room on a regular basis can't be particularly easy to cope with - especially if you haven't got children of your own.

But maybe he finds it a lot of pressure - if he knows going to bed together means you'll want to have sex, iyswim? Can you try and initiate beforehand - so you're having cosy childfree evening, why not have sex downstairs, or something? As in, cosy up watching a film, have a cuddle and let things develop naturally from there.

Feckers2018 · 30/09/2018 10:50

What with the ED, staying up till very late and avoidance I would presume he has a problem with porn/even sex workers.
Its not anything you have done.
My h was like this and yes it was porn etc. Don't be naïve as I was.

Feckers2018 · 30/09/2018 10:51

Adaline what man pleasing world are you living in? FFS

adaline · 30/09/2018 11:04

Adaline what man pleasing world are you living in? FFS

What on earth are you on about?

BackInTheRoom · 30/09/2018 12:25

I'm thinking he's watching Porn? I was talking to a friend about this situation and she said that some men find it easier to pleasure themselves rather than go to all the effort of sex with their partner. This might be the case if he's already got problems with ED? It's such an awkward thing to talk about but If this is the case here, those conversations need to be had in order to tackle an important issue.

LadyLapsang · 30/09/2018 13:59

I think it must be a huge adjustment to go from living alone and seeing a girlfriend to becoming a ready made family of four, plus building work. You have experience of family life and they are your children, so not such a big change for you. Time, space and talking needed.

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 15:32

We just spoke and basically he's said I'm abusive for being upset about him avoiding me and he's left saying 'People can't just be how you want them to be'.

Wtf? Is it abusive to want your partner to be around and see each other at the weekends? Am I being controlling? Basically he's said I am. I can't really cope with being called abusive as I was abused in my marriage. It's probably the worst thing you could say to me.

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bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 15:43

Bog standard response of someone who has their behaviour/addictions to defend and has 0 intention of having an actual relationship with you. If he's not fill on verbally and emotionally abusive to you, that's absolutely the direction of travel if you choose to put up with it.

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 15:54

Whose house is it?