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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP avoiding me

59 replies

Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 08:09

I've been with DP for 3 years. We moved in together 2 months ago and he has been pretty much avoiding me since Sad

At the moment we are having some building work done to our house so we've only got two bedrooms and one of my DC's in in with us and the other DC's are within earshot as their bedroom is open IYWIM (no doors). So we get one night a week child free, this is the only night we get to DTD.

Friday night DP slept on the sofa 'so I wouldn't wake you with my snoring' apparently so slept until gone 2pm yesterday, I'd taken my DC's out by that point.

I came home at 7pm with lovely food and beer cos DP didn't want to go out. Had a lovely evening. By 1am I was shattered and said I'm off to bed, please come with me and DP said 'I'll be 20 mins just finishing my drink.' Still hasn't come up at 3.45am Hmm

So our child free time has gone as I'm off out to pick up DS1 for footy and he's coming back here.

This has been a regular thing. He won't come to bed at the same time and then sleeps most of the following day. It seems like he's actively avoiding me and being intimate with me and tbh I'm getting really fucked off with it!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2018 15:58

He wants out. He's regretting the move. He wants you to kick him out. He wants you to be the bad guy.

adaline · 30/09/2018 16:43

I think he regrets it too OP, sorry.

Possibly he didn't realise how intense it would be, going from being a single man, to living with his partner and her children. That's quite a big jump to make, especially as he doesn't have DC of his own.

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 16:49

Yeah. Silly of me to be thinking a 43 year old man who has been with someone 3 years could cope with me and my DC's.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 30/09/2018 16:52

No, it's really not silly and no one is saying it is. But that's what his behaviour is saying, albeit passive-aggressively.

adaline · 30/09/2018 16:56

Yeah. Silly of me to be thinking a 43 year old man who has been with someone 3 years could cope with me and my DC's.

Nobody is saying it's your fault Flowers

They're saying that for someone who's never had children of his own, the idea of living with you and your children won't have been the same as the reality. But he wouldn't have known he would feel this way in advance - how could he?

He could deal with it a lot better, the avoidance tactics and passive-aggressive are shockingly immature, but maybe he doesn't know how to tell you the truth?

Feckers2018 · 30/09/2018 16:56

No the fact is he knows hes abusive and thats why hes talking this shit. He knows and is turning it round on you.

NotLovinIt · 30/09/2018 17:04

What was your relationship like before, who lived where? Are his sleeping habits new or have you just not been exposed to the real him?

Anyway. I don’t much like the sound of the real him.

Have you had problems and overcome them before or are is this the first big issue in your relationship? I’m trying to work out if you really knew this man well enough or are you only just getting to know him now?

Flowers for you. Sounds to me like he has a porn habit you were not aware of or he can’t comminicate or both.

Both would be dealbreakers for me

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 17:45

Sorry, I know I'm being stupidly narky. We each had our own houses before. I've bought this one as I was financially abused by my ex. He still has his that he co owns with ex that they are going to let.

Our relationship was doing okay, the first year was rocky. But okay after that. The sleeping in never bothered me before because our sex life was fine.

OP posts:
adaline · 30/09/2018 17:53

The sleeping in never bothered me before because our sex life was fine.

Maybe it didn't bother you because it wasn't everyday? I mean, if you didn't live with him and were occupied with your own DC, you probably didn't even realise it as much as you do now. But now it happens everytime you have child-free time, you're growing resentful?

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 18:22

Definitely resentful adaline what is the point in me trying to make quality time for each other on that one night child free, if he can't be arsed? It's my one night to not he 'mum' but me. And he doesn't want to be with me.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 30/09/2018 18:32

Sounds almost like now he’s moved in he can’t be arsed. Wow. That’s depressing.

Very good news that you own the house. You can give him an ultimatum - shape up or ship out!

Why was the first year rocky (out if interest)?

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 18:44

I was struggling with having left an abusive marriage and he had a persistent ex on the scene who was overstepping boundaries. We resolved that though.

OP posts:
StarsHollow123 · 30/09/2018 18:53

As this is your home I would ask him to leave and then reevaluate living together once the renovations have been completed.

This gives you time to get settled and everyone having their own rooms with doors etc. Renovating is stressful at the best of times.

It also means that it's definitely your home for you the kids how you like it. Rather than it being one you have done together. I know in an ideal world it would be great to be a home you make together but his flippant use of abusive to someone who has been through it would make me very wary of him.

Good luck op Thanks

SandAndSea · 30/09/2018 19:41

I agree with @StarsHollow123 . I think it would be better to nip living together in the bud for now, rather than limp on. Maybe you could be happy together not living together?

PookieDo · 30/09/2018 19:48

I agree it sadly sounds like he isn’t into this situation anymore but is being a huge coward about dealing with it. Massive unsexy turn off

Ariclock · 30/09/2018 19:48

I would definitely ask him to leave. The fact that he's blaming you for his behaviour is a big red flag. Luckily it's your place so you have all of the control in this situation. It sounds like he believes that he's got his feet under the table and now he's not bothering to make any effort Flowers

Easynow · 30/09/2018 19:53

I would ask him to leave this week and go back to his house.

I wondered if hes staying up to watch porn. Especially the ED.

None of this is your fault Flowers

Chalkybee · 30/09/2018 20:01

My oh and I are a bit like this. It use to bug me and I'd stay up to try and spend time together but be knackered the next day and he'd sleep in and be fine. I got so resentful about it and it caused loads of issues. Then I just started going to bed when I was tired and did what pleased me. He's a night person, I'm not. If he wants to spend time with me he has to get up earlier, which he does now, and I try and stay up a bit - but always in bed by midnight. It works fine, gives us both space.

I'm not saying you should put up with it if it makes you unhappy, but there are ways to make it work if you want to. However, the face he called you abusive for talking about it would be a red flag for me.

Petalflowers · 30/09/2018 20:06

We never go to bed the same time. I don’ t actually think that is much of an issue. Sometimes I’ll go to bed first, or sometimes last, if i’m Watching something on tv, or just fancy a bit of peace and quiet.

Maybe having to dtd on a certain night is too much pressure. Perhaps he would rather be spontaneous, rather than having to do it on a certain night.

Maybe it’s a simple process of getting adjusted to the new situation etc.

Wallywobbles · 30/09/2018 20:49

Can't have sex if your never together. I think this ones never going to be worth the slog.

One of the truly ace things about DH is just stroking my back is enough to make him want me. I'm really not very sexy but he thinks I am! It's brilliant. I'm not showing off. My exH told me he found me repugnant. It's been a long way back from that comment.

Please find someone who desires you.

Original poster
Goinggertrude · 30/09/2018 20:55

The sex doesn't matter to me anyway. I am completely undone by the abusive comment. I'm now sat here tying myself in knots thinking that my marriage has turned me into a monster. It is such a powerful word. Abusive.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 30/09/2018 21:03

You’re not a monster, no way.

The abusive comment is a line crossed.

Have his bag packed, OP.

Make your home your sanctuary for you and your lovely dc.

Flowers
TeacupTattoo · 30/09/2018 21:26

I'm really sorry he said that to you...I too would find being called an abuser unforgivable. You have done nothing wrong and it is not too much to ask for affection and closeness from a long-term partner. He is a selfish man and you didn't realise this previously as it was hidden better. Tell him to leave. You are worth so much more my lovely.

wheresthehope · 30/09/2018 21:28

Id say he knew exactly the right things to say to throw you...calling you abusive.
I would be worried what he says to your kids while you not around. Might not be partially nice to them either
You can find someone better! Pack his bags and send him on his merry way!

numptynuts · 30/09/2018 21:47

Ugh, he's fucking with your head saying you're the abusive one, knowing full well you've been abused. What a turd.

Kick him out OP, abuse comes in various forms and this kind is one of them.