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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend sending inappropriate messages on Snapchat

60 replies

LyndseyW22 · 28/09/2018 11:03

Hi all,
I snooped through my boyfriend's phone (wrong I know) but I've caught him sending inappropriate messages before. The messages are always with the same female, she is sending images of her breasts to him and he has been sending pictures of his penis to her. Asking for sexual favours and inviting her round our home (as far as I know, she hasn't been round). She is engaged to her partner and has children with him and my partner and I have a 2 month old son together. I sent him a text about the messages I found and he first tried to deny it but then admitted it. He said it was because he was lonely... What would you do?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/09/2018 11:08

Leave him. What else can you do? You can either accept that he sends explicit pictures to other people and invites them round; or leave.

He won't change; and his excuse is pathetic. As is his initial denial.

ZestyMaximus · 28/09/2018 11:34

I'd leave him.

MargoLovebutter · 28/09/2018 11:37

For me, sending or accepting sexually explicit messages of someone else, when I'm in a relationship is a deal breaker. It is not acceptable and not something I could tolerate for any reason, so I'd be ending the relationship. He sounds yukky and pathetic - why would you want to be with someone like that.

0rlaith · 28/09/2018 11:38

LTB

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 28/09/2018 11:39

He has cheated imo. And he won't stop. Babies take up a lot of your time for a long time. He is always going to say he is lonely and blame you /baby.

Redken24 · 28/09/2018 11:40

I'd screenshot the snap chats and kick his arse out!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/09/2018 11:42

Why do you even need to ask? Kick his cheating arse out of the door. You and your DS will be fine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/09/2018 11:43

Lonely ? Wait for it, he will throw in 'neglected' too. Guessing you treat him with love and respect while simultaneously caring for your baby, why can't he offer you the same?

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 11:44

What can you do but leave him?

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 11:46

Sorry posted too soon.

If you don't leave him he'll continue as there's something in him that needs her or other's validation when you are busy.

TheMonkeyMummy · 28/09/2018 11:51

No, no, no, no... this is not respectful nor the actions of a family man.

LTB

Cherrybomball · 28/09/2018 11:52

Ltb what a joke of a man, I wonder if her partner know she is sending titty photos?! X

VirtuallyConfused · 28/09/2018 12:01

Yeah, that's cheating.

You need to think if it's a deal breaker for you. If you tell him to stop, can you trust that he will?

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2018 13:42

Ltb

Original poster
LyndseyW22 · 28/09/2018 13:54

Thanks for the advice everybody.
This isn't the first time I've caught him on Snapchat... I confronted him the first time and he promised me that it would never happen again and here we are..
However, he has now completely deleted Snapchat and it no longer shows up that he has an account.

I told him that the excuse of being lonely was a bunch of s* and he said it's because I don't always listen to him when he's talking about work... I have already told him that I don't really understand his job but I never ignore him... Most of the time, I am too busy looking after our son to sit and have a one to one conversation with him.

I am struggling to forgive what he has done for the second time (that I am aware of). I just don't know if I can ever trust him again and I don't know how to bring the conversation back up because it hasn't been mentioned in over a week...

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 28/09/2018 13:54

Disgusting
Get rid. And tell the other guy-he needs to decide what to do with his life.

Unicornandbows · 28/09/2018 13:56

I'd screen shot both of theirs and send it to the fiancé so he can get rid of her too

AnyFucker · 28/09/2018 14:00

Was that a serious question ? Confused

PlinkPlink · 28/09/2018 14:01

Just say you need to talk OP.

You've been trying to move on for a week and you haven't found it possible.

You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to find this difficult.

He sounds pretty pathetic tbh. So what if he's feeling neglected? You've had to put yourself last too... Your child comes first!!!

For the first year of having my DS, my OH and I didn't get to spend time together in the evenings. I would go to sleep with my DS because he was BFing to sleep. It was lonely for us both. I missed my OH like mad and he missed me. But we kept going... we didn't cheat... we knew it was only temporary! Now, we get to spend whole evenings together watching movies and chilling out.

It was hard but it would never be acceptable for either of us to cheat. We love each other.

People who love each other don't do this.

cakecakecheese · 28/09/2018 14:02

Erk. He's done this before, promised to stop, didn't, lied before eventually admitting it, blamed you. Put like that it's not looking good is it? It doesn't matter how long ago you last spoke about it, if it's bothering you then bring it up, don't brush it under the carpet. It's like you're letting him get away with it and he's unlikely to stop as he knows you'll confront him, get upset etc but won't actually leave him...

Pacificwander · 28/09/2018 14:11

Did his Snapchat partner ask him about his work or was she just there to fawn over a photo of his penis??
I don't understand how loneliness equals sexting behind your actual partners back while she's up to her eyeballs caring for your newborn.
Maybe if he put down the phone and engaged with his new family he would have felt less lonely??

And honestly he has no idea of lonely until he's been at home caring 24/7 as a new mother. While it is rewarding it's also tough, life changing and some days extremely isolating. But I doubt he'd be understanding of you sexting other men to relieve your new mother loneliness??

Haireverywhere · 28/09/2018 14:14

You just say, "we're splitting up because I felt you deserved a second chance and you've betrayed me again".

BackInTheRoom · 28/09/2018 14:16

'...,. he said it's because I don't always listen to him when he's talking about work...

And this ladies and gentlemen, is what we call in the trade, 'Gaslighting'.

It's you OP, you're bad and he's good! You need to do EVERYTHING, the mental load (without his help obv) AND stroke his ego else he gets sadz. Hmm

Original poster
LyndseyW22 · 28/09/2018 15:09

PacificWander, no she didn't ask about his job, the only conversations they ever had were inapporiate, this "girl" is somebody that lives not far from us and she is friends with my boyfriends sister...

I do not know what her fiances name is so I wouldn't be able to let him know what she has been doing but I will try and find out because nobody deserves to be treated like that, not even myself.

He will never understand how lonely it is being a mother to a newborn baby, it's tiring and to find out that he was talking inappropriately to her the day after our son was born and we were still in the hospital absolutely breaks my heart. He goes out to work all day Monday-Friday and I'm stuck in the house with just the baby for company (as rewarding as that is, it's very lonely). He had over 600 girls on his Snapchat and not as single male on there...
In a way, I do want to end it because it's happened twice now and he knows I was cheated on in my past relationships but at the same time, I can't move back into my parents house because there's no room there for me and my son at the moment and also because as cliche as it sounds, I love him (how very silly of me).

OP posts:
confusedmomm · 28/09/2018 15:17

Leave him