Is this a sex problem or an insensitive DH problem?

[ertcimy]

Me and DH have been together for 19 years. We have 3 DC, the youngest is 16 months.
Our relationship is loving but since the arrival of children has been very rocky!
He cheated on me 2 years ago by using an online casual encounter website.
His reasons for it were; insecurity about himself, jealousy about new friends I had, lack of initimacy between us and wanting some excitement.
We are currently having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Last night I moved our youngest in to their own room after sharing our room since birth.
Getting into bed I suggested we try a different position to which he excitedly replied 'great I choose - 69'.
I wasn't up for that. 11pm on a Thursday night after a day looking after kids and cleaning, a lack of sleep (& grooming ) wasn't really conducive to a 69er session!
He then huffed loudly and called me hopeless, boring and tells me I'm crap in bed because all I want is a 15 minute missionary every time.
This has hurt me as he knows I'm lacking in confidence at the moment. I replied saying 'yep, that's me a boring, mousy, worthless SAHM'.
To which he responded with 'well if you agree then why are you so offended'.

I'm now wondering if the incompatible sex drives aren't so much the problem in our marriage but his way of communicating with me?

I find him harsh but would anyone else be upset if their DH told them this?

Yes I'd be upset, I would find being spoken to like that pretty unforgivable tbh. Christ alive, my DH would jump for joy if I suggested a 15 min missionary session on a Thursday night after a day of childcare and domestic drudgery!

He wouldn't get the opportunity to complain again.

for you... He's a total knob!

Sorry, your DH is being a prick. And I’m pretty sure he knows it.

Fuck him.

Not literally, though. Christ, what an arsehole.

What did you expect him to say?

Twice a week after 19 years together? He doesn't know how lucky he is. I'd buy him some sort of sex toy or a blow up doll, and tell him to get on with it.

Your relationship is loving? It doesn't sound loving! He cheated on you and treats you like shit!

So what were his 'consequences' after cheating on you?
To me, it looks like has absolutely no respect for you what-so-ever.
I know it's not as easy as LTB in this situation but this is horrible.
For someone who is supposed to love you, this not what I'd be accepting.

Both.

For various reasons you are understandably lacking in confidence so not adventurous on a regular basis enough to be compatible as I assume you were before. But things change and you can often adapt together if you're with a loving empathetic partner.

He however is a dick. You actually tried last night and his response was appalling. He sounds just the type to cheat again too because he's already justifying it - he blames you for your sex issues instead of it being in part down to or at least compounded by him.

What a dick. The last thing I would want is sex with someone who spoke to me like that.

So you suggested a new position but then didn't want to do a new position?

Think he is bored of his sex life and took his frustration out on you which is a dick move.

He is lucky he gets sex at all with you following his little escapade, how the fuck dare he !!!

It sounds like he took absolutely no responsibility for cheating on you. He's feeling like a victim and like he's hard done by which he will use to justify his appalling behaviour.

OP, are you actually wanting sex once or twice a week, or is this some attempt to 'keep him happy' after he screwed someone else and blamed you? He sounds awful. And no, not in the least a sex issue -- he sounds monumentally insensitive and entitled. You're not some pornbot he orders from a menu.

So you suggested a new position but then didn't want to do a new position?

No, she was up for a new position, just not the one her DH demanded. Maybe if he had taken an approach of finding out what the OP wanted, it would have been a more positive experience for them both.

So what position did you have in mind? And why didn’t you suggest that instead

So you’re basically putting out twice a week for fear of him cheating on you again, and he insults you even so.

The real problem is that he’s an arsehole. And you’ve given him the upper hand by not throwing him out when he cheated.

Hes an abusive arsehole. You deserve far far better than him. I would tell him to leave. You only get one life. Why would you spend your one life with a man like this?

incompatible sex drives aren't so much the problem in our marriage but his way of communicating with me?

Oh, lovely, I am so sorry. Who on earth would be sexually attracted to someone who talks to you like that?

hes an absolute knobber and I really think you should get rid.
You might find yourself in the mood more often and not feeling boring or mousy any more if you werent with an absolute bellend!

Sorry, I can't get past the fact he cheated on you and hten had the cheek to pretty much make it all your fault. He's a grade A arsehole. The way he treated you over the sex position discussion is just the cherry on top of a big cake of shit.

You did let him pick tbf. Can't blame him for being a little frustrated.

Tell him to sod off.

And if he had such an image problem before how comes he thinks (in any way) that any of that was acceptable to say to you.

What a charmer. Does he have any good points?

Yeah it's not great that he's laying all this at your door, blaming you for his cheating and calling you crap in bed when he could have just said ok not 69 and suggested something else or asked you for an alternative.