Is this a sex problem or an insensitive DH problem?

[ertcimy]

Me and DH have been together for 19 years. We have 3 DC, the youngest is 16 months.
Our relationship is loving but since the arrival of children has been very rocky!
He cheated on me 2 years ago by using an online casual encounter website.
His reasons for it were; insecurity about himself, jealousy about new friends I had, lack of initimacy between us and wanting some excitement.
We are currently having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Last night I moved our youngest in to their own room after sharing our room since birth.
Getting into bed I suggested we try a different position to which he excitedly replied 'great I choose - 69'.
I wasn't up for that. 11pm on a Thursday night after a day looking after kids and cleaning, a lack of sleep (& grooming ) wasn't really conducive to a 69er session!
He then huffed loudly and called me hopeless, boring and tells me I'm crap in bed because all I want is a 15 minute missionary every time.
This has hurt me as he knows I'm lacking in confidence at the moment. I replied saying 'yep, that's me a boring, mousy, worthless SAHM'.
To which he responded with 'well if you agree then why are you so offended'.

I'm now wondering if the incompatible sex drives aren't so much the problem in our marriage but his way of communicating with me?

I find him harsh but would anyone else be upset if their DH told them this?

You have 3 kids and are knackered Its up to him Arsehole to make you feel not Mousey and vanilla tell him to JOG ON turn over and go to sleep

Honestly please do yourself a favour and plan your way out of this awful relationship. He's just grim. What's the housing situation? What's his income like? You should talk to a solicitor.

What Nightwatch wrote earlier.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you still with this person at all?. If you are staying primarily for the children you are very much mistaken because that is also a bad idea.

Your mistake here too was taking him back at all after he cheated on you.

You certainly do not have to stay till your youngest is in school; what would that achieve?. Make the break from this person sooner rather than later, your children will also thank you for doing that.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here about those from the two of you. Your life (and in turn theirs because children can and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken) within this household sounds utterly grim indeed.

Seek legal advice too, you are not as powerless as you think you are here.

There is no respect there at all for you and your feelings is there? It's all about him.

The children will adapt to splitting up better, the younger they are. The 16 month old will be unaffected now but certainly will be at school age. How old are the others?

OP, you need to get rid of this obnoxious man before he destroys your self esteem completely.
There is no reason to tolerate this shit until your youngest is in school.
Thousands of single mums manage it. I was widowed with two babies and didn’t have a choice - it was tough, but we got through. Women leave abusive partners every day.
Please go and see a solicitor and find out your options with regard to finances etc. And get a job, even if it’s just part time at first. You will feel so much less dependent and infantilised when you have some money of your own. It will help to change the power dynamic in your relationship too. He’s got you trapped at home and under his thumb at present. A job is the first step to reversing that and forcing him to regard you with more respect.
Also, as the nurse mentioned in a PP, get an STI check. Your foul husband’s infidelities could have infected you with anything from chlamydia to HIV.

I would start looking for a part time job, op. Even if you're not making a profit, you will be building up your experience and contributing to your pension. See if his work place do childcare vouchers and he won't pay tax on that portion. He should pay 100% of it as you will be funding it the part of the week you are not earning. (in addition to however many years you have been funding it up to now).
Stupid arsehole doesn't have any entitlement to any sex and who would want to sleep with such an arrogant, faithless, disrespectful dickwad anyway?

All of this, op ^^

The biggest mistake I ever made was to become a SAHM financially dependant on my exh. You don't have to stay until the youngest is at school, but if you choose to, make sure that you are working towards increasing your employability ad earning capacity in that time.

BTW, your h is an horrific husband and not worthy of your respect or affection.