Is this a sex problem or an insensitive DH problem?

[ertcimy]

Me and DH have been together for 19 years. We have 3 DC, the youngest is 16 months.
Our relationship is loving but since the arrival of children has been very rocky!
He cheated on me 2 years ago by using an online casual encounter website.
His reasons for it were; insecurity about himself, jealousy about new friends I had, lack of initimacy between us and wanting some excitement.
We are currently having sex 1 to 2 times a week. Last night I moved our youngest in to their own room after sharing our room since birth.
Getting into bed I suggested we try a different position to which he excitedly replied 'great I choose - 69'.
I wasn't up for that. 11pm on a Thursday night after a day looking after kids and cleaning, a lack of sleep (& grooming ) wasn't really conducive to a 69er session!
He then huffed loudly and called me hopeless, boring and tells me I'm crap in bed because all I want is a 15 minute missionary every time.
This has hurt me as he knows I'm lacking in confidence at the moment. I replied saying 'yep, that's me a boring, mousy, worthless SAHM'.
To which he responded with 'well if you agree then why are you so offended'.

I'm now wondering if the incompatible sex drives aren't so much the problem in our marriage but his way of communicating with me?

I find him harsh but would anyone else be upset if their DH told them this?

It's a twatbag dh problem
Why would you want to ever have sex with him again after this?!

You did let him pick tbf. Can't blame him for being a little frustrated.

No, he jumped in with his choice.

Infidelity,verbal and emotional abuse? I’d be on the phone ASAP with a solicitor

You did let him pick tbf. Can't blame him for being a little frustrated.

Actually, no. That's typical of sexual entitlement men carry with them.

She said let's try another position, with consent being on both sides. Just because he said 69, does not give him entitlement to whatever he wants without her wanting it too.

Oh dear god I hate 69. The perfect position for both of you being self conscious about your personal hygiene, whilst simultaneously not being to concentrate properly on either giving or receiving.

So no black marks for you OP on refusing that position.

Did you have a position in mind though? See I'd have probably phrased it "I heard about a position we haven't tried yet - I lay on my side and you kneel up and go in from behind [or whatever], do you fancy trying it?"

Overall though it sounds like this relationship may have run its course. You displayed your vulnerability to him ("I'm just a mousey etc") and he chose to twist the knife instead of reassuring you.

I find that people who like to ‘tell’ the truth aren’t very good at listening to it ! I would tell my DH in similar circumstances to choose carefully before proceeding with his policy of ‘truthfulness’.

Insensitive, noh he's a grade A cunt OP; you are putting out in the hope it will stop him straying; it won't, he will still cheat on you; can't actually believe you'd want to be in the same room as him after what he said to you never mind have sex with him; he's an utter creep.

It sounds pathetic but just reading your responses has reassured me that I'm not going crazy and that I'm not a 'snowflake'.
There's nothing I can do other than withdraw from the relationship until my youngest is in school. I have no financial independence as we couldn't afford childcare hence why I'm a SAHM.
In the meantime he can go online and explore the world of casual encounters or whatever he does to get his cheap thrills. I'm so done with him.
I feel really disappointed with myself. I'd never imagined being in this position where I feel completely stuck.

My response would have been 'look, i dont want THAT in my mouth - it makes me feel nauseous, i just thought we could mix it up a bit in hopes I could enjoy it for a change, bit forget it I'll see to myself' then huffed off out the room. See how he takes to having his self confidence stripped down!

Dick head.

Not your fault OP that he turned out to be a total disappointment, you have done nothing wrong, in fact I think you sound amazingly understanding.

Why wait, go get advice about going it alone, he has to financially support his kids; you know he's not a keeper.

To answer your question OP, yes you are right. It's not an issue with sexual incompatibility, it's an issue with communication (and by the sound of it, your relationship on the whole).

Wow what an utter arsehole of a ‘DH’ you have there OP, he should consider himself lucky he’s getting any at all after cheating on you! You’re too good for him!

Tell him to fuck off. Although this is difficult if you are SAHM. Start thinking ahead with a plan.

I’m a nurse- if he does sexual hookups from women online you have to be careful he isn’t exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases if I were you I’d get immediate testing

You’re relationship sounds utterly grim. Two years ago he went onto hook up sites albecause he was feeling bad and you had another child with him?!
This is a sorry sorry state of affairs

Sorry that came out harsher that I thought. I am just angry on your behalf. He’s an awful human being

The people saying 'you offered so can't blame him'- jesus. Pre-consent does not exist.
OP, you suggested a different position, any normal respectful partner would then join in a discussion ( that works both ways) about what you both might like and feel comfortable with. He is acting like your body is a toy and you took it away after 'promising' it- he is disgusting.
Honestly how dare he speak to you in that way, or cheat on you- he does not sound loving at all. If he loved you he would presumably not only care, but be horrified that he had made you feel so down about yourself with his pathetic comments and behaviour, rather than revel in sticking the knife in when you are already upset. This is not normal at all OP. Why are you staying with him?

I'd give him a different position alright, curled up around his gear stick in his car!

What a wanker.

You deserve much better than this c.f..

Omg OP you certainly do not need to stay with him until your youngest is in school?

You are entitled to half of everything, including childcare should you wish to seek employment. I hate seeing woman stuck trapped at home because they are dependent on an abusive knob.

Take control back. Stop being his doormat, go see a Solicitor and kick him out!

Yes he was a prick. No two ways about it. But also, what did you expect/have in mind when you suggested something different?

Like he was above all the worst here, but o feel you were a bit U by suggesting something new if you weren't really wanting to

How awful some of these replies are! FGS, she suggested they do something new; presumably that involved her input as well??? And to speak to her like that when she said she didn't want to have a particular kind of sex... are you fucking idiots blaming the OP the same people who ask questions like "what did she think was going to happen when she let him walk her home" or "what did she expect, wearing that?"
Vile.

But also, what did you expect/have in mind when you suggested something different?
Perhaps she was expecting to discuss it and choose together, rather than be put on the spot with something incredibly exposing and intimate.

So you suggested a new position but then didn't want to do a new position?

You do understand that the OP gets a say in which new position she participates in? Otherwise that would be rape.

You do understand that the OP gets a say in which new position she participates in? Otherwise that would be rape.

This. FFS is this really how couples think communication about sex should be? I despair.

I would start looking for a part time job, op. Even if you're not making a profit, you will be building up your experience and contributing to your pension. See if his work place do childcare vouchers and he won't pay tax on that portion. He should pay 100% of it as you will be funding it the part of the week you are not earning. (in addition to however many years you have been funding it up to now).
Stupid arsehole doesn't have any entitlement to any sex and who would want to sleep with such an arrogant, faithless, disrespectful dickwad anyway?