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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband cheating

102 replies

LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 17:30

I just need advice really.

For the last 2 years I've been accusing my husband of cheating. I've not found any solid evidence but it's just a gut feeling I've had. Well when I first started accusing him I didn't. Anyways I've done all the regular stuff, gone through bank accounts, checked his phone, his phone bills and nothing came up. Apart from this one number which I didn't recognise. He fobbed it off at the time and said it was a guy who he works with, still I didn't fully accept that, so I saved the number in my phone. Things settled down and I suppose we were happy, but I still had this little nagging voice in the back of my head. I just didn't trust him. I then find out out he's been watching a lot of porn which completely devastated me as I thought we had a good sex life. To cut a long story short, the number I saved in my phone, turns out it belongs to a girl, he swears blind he doesn't know her and has never spoken to her. By this point I was already 7 months pregnant. I've found her on Instagram and her page is open, I literally go on her page on a daily basis now. She clearly lives in the same town as us. She's also got a baby, that you can see belongs to my husband. I'm too frightened to contact her and ask whether she knows my husband or not, but I'm driving myself insane with it. We argue nearly all the time over her and this baby. I've just recently had my child and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified that this girl is going to knock on my door one day and say the child is his. What further complicates the matter is that this is my second marriage. I've got 2 kids by my current husband and one kid by my ex husband. We come from a culture where this would bring great shame on our family if this were to come out. Especially if I left him as this would be my second failed marriage and it would be unlikely anyone from our culture would date me let alone marry me again. I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. No one in my family or friends knows about this and I just feel like I'm waiting for a knock on the door and to be humiliated. Everyone thinks we're a happy family and it couldn't be further from thr truth, I cry myself to sleep most nights. Do I just take my husband's word for it and drop the issue or should I actually contact the girl and just for my own piece of mind ask her outright.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 27/09/2018 17:35

If it was me I would want to know.
Your happiness is more important than any shame your family would feel op.

dontknowwhatnametochoose · 27/09/2018 17:38

What evidence do you have that this girl could have had the baby with your husband? Him having her phone number doesn't mean that it's his baby or anything like that. Do you have any proof he has cheated on you at all? Does she have a boyfriend? Or mentioned her baby's dad on any of her posts?

If not it's just a huge trust issue on your part and you will drive yourself insane with it. Checking her social media networks on a daily basis is not healthy. I think you will end up driving your husband away eventually if you keep bringing things up like this with little/no evidence.

Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 17:52

On her page, there is no mention of any guy or baby dad. She's posts regular memes about cheating husband's and being the other woman. In fact I think she knows I go on her page as she regularly posts about someone stalking her page and saying stuff like why are you looking for the answers when you already know the truth. She also posts a lot of things that my husband has similar interests in. The baby looks like my children when they were babies.

OP posts:
Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 17:56

I forgot to mention that on all her selfies, she wears a necklace with my husband's initials and it's not very common initials

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 27/09/2018 17:58

Fuck cultural norms.

It used to be the norm for white middle class english women to not divorce their husbands for fear of shame - it was "put up and shut up".

In the early 20th century a king had to abdicate to marry a divorced woman!

These things became cultural norms because brave women stood up and said "Fuck you, I'm not taking this abuse, I'm out."

Even if you never remarry within your own culture, surely a life on your own with your children is better than crying yourself to sleep every night and stalking the OW's social media?

Kelsoooo · 27/09/2018 18:02

You sound like you have serious issues.

notapizzaeater · 27/09/2018 18:13

Just ask her ?

Though tbh I'd have just gone as it's not healthy for either of you living g like this

Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 18:37

Deep down I know he's been cheating on me with her and the baby is his. I don't know what I'd do. where do I go from there? I don't think I'm strong enough to be a single mum to three kids. Apart from the cheating, he's a good father and he provides for the family. He's raised my first child like his own. My first husband cheated and I just think everyone would think we'll what's wrong with her, this is the second husband to of cheated on her. My family love him to pieces and treat him like a son. It's not just my life I'd be destroying

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 27/09/2018 18:45

You don't know. You suspect.

It's funny because I have seen several women mention today that their male partners have accused them of cheating. Posters replies were that the OP should leave the bastard for accusing them.

It's odd that if men accuse their partners of cheating, they are abusive. Women do it and it's called following their instincts.

OP you will never know until you message her. If he is cheating get rid. I know of no culture that is ok with a woman having kids with 2 men, as long as she stays with the second. And so what if it does?

If he isn't and the baby isn't is, please get some help.

loveyoutothemoon · 27/09/2018 19:25

Just ask her!

HelloPeopl3 · 27/09/2018 19:29

I would outright ask her.. I couldn't live with the not knowing.

Message her OP. You don't want to spend you life living unhappy. You only get one life. Live it wisely

Faez · 27/09/2018 19:30

So you think he is the father of her child because you found her number on his phone?

Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 19:59

Not just that. Looking back now with hindsight, around the time she was pregnant he was acting very strangely. Withdrawn into himself and just not his usual self, he blamed it on work and said it was stress. But he would constantly be nipping out, working late, taking his phone everywhere with him. He'd go to the toilet and I could see he was online on WhatsApp and when I would confront him he would say he wasnt on it and they'd be no recent messages to any of his friends. He would stay up late at night and I would hear him crying. I asked him to go through his phone and he wouldn't let me.He finally gave in after 2 weeks but he clearly had wiped the phone of anything suspicious. He said the phone number was a guy he worked with. Clearly it wasn't. She wears a necklace with his initials. And now everyday when he's at work, I go on WhatsApp and he'll be online and so will she. They're always online at the same time.

OP posts:
dontknowwhatnametochoose · 27/09/2018 20:05

In that case I would definitely ask her, you need to know the truth and your husband may/May not be telling the truth but the only was to know is by asking her.

There is a lot of things that may be just a coincidence but highly unlikely now. Her wearing his initials is strange, and there may be more to this story.

Also, if he has cheated and had a baby to her whilst married to you, leave him. For your own sanity. This is clearly driving you crazy as it is, but you need to leave regardless of what your friends and family think. The true family and friends will support you, and anyone that doesn't, well you don't need them after all. But you don't need to be with a lying cheat! Message her and ask her, it's the only way to put your mind at rest.

adayatthebeach · 27/09/2018 20:14

Ask her! I wouldn’t want a man that didn’t love me or respect me.

welshmist · 27/09/2018 20:20

Ask her. And why do you have to leave, it is he that should leave and go to her.

wheresthehope · 27/09/2018 21:41

Just ask her...

SandyY2K · 27/09/2018 21:43

You need to find the strength to go it alone. I'm all for respecting and valuing cultures...but if you don't stand up for yourself, nothing will ever change.

It was okay to suppress women and not see the value in them being educated in some cultures...but that doesn't make it right.

If your family would expect you to remain in a marriage with a man who fathered another child....then that's their issue.

Your children most likeky have a half sibling and if your DH is happily living that lie, hiding hus love child ..then he's capable of anything.

That's not a man I'd want to be married to.

Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 22:15

I've previously caused a lot of pain to my family due to my first marriage, as I had to get married as I fell pregnant at a young age. Then when I divorced him, it caused a lot of embarrassment and I'm afraid of disappointing them and doing it to them again. They stood by me whilst I was a single mum and they helped out a lot. I just don't want to be a single mum of three and be an even bigger burden on them financially and also bringing humiliation to the family name.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 27/09/2018 22:19

Honestly you haven’t really shown any evidence on here? You’ve made it sound like he had someone’s number in his phone one time and you’ve just lost your mind over it. I’d cry too if my partner was being insanely controlling and stalking me too! You genuinely sound unwell, unless of course there is actual evidence not just a few insta pics that mean absolutely nothing

Buggerbrexit · 27/09/2018 22:21

Who gives a shit what anyone thinks and if they’re disappointed. They’ll get over it. You’re driving yourself mad for a start, but there is no trust in your relationship. If you’re viewing her stories on Instagram she’ll know as it shows you who vuews them.

Original poster
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 27/09/2018 22:28

On his phone bill, there was over 50 calls to this number, all lasting between 30-60 minutes at a time.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 27/09/2018 22:32

You should have probably started with that then

CaptainCorrigan · 27/09/2018 22:35

On his phone bill, there was over 50 calls to this number, all lasting between 30-60 minutes at a time

Thought you said you had checked his phone bills in your OP and found nothing? I'm confused

SandyY2K · 27/09/2018 22:36

You only get one life. If this is how you choose to live it...It's on you.

Sometimes we have to make hard choices.