Is my husband cheating

[LosingTheplotMumOf3]

I just need advice really.

For the last 2 years I've been accusing my husband of cheating. I've not found any solid evidence but it's just a gut feeling I've had. Well when I first started accusing him I didn't. Anyways I've done all the regular stuff, gone through bank accounts, checked his phone, his phone bills and nothing came up. Apart from this one number which I didn't recognise. He fobbed it off at the time and said it was a guy who he works with, still I didn't fully accept that, so I saved the number in my phone. Things settled down and I suppose we were happy, but I still had this little nagging voice in the back of my head. I just didn't trust him. I then find out out he's been watching a lot of porn which completely devastated me as I thought we had a good sex life. To cut a long story short, the number I saved in my phone, turns out it belongs to a girl, he swears blind he doesn't know her and has never spoken to her. By this point I was already 7 months pregnant. I've found her on Instagram and her page is open, I literally go on her page on a daily basis now. She clearly lives in the same town as us. She's also got a baby, that you can see belongs to my husband. I'm too frightened to contact her and ask whether she knows my husband or not, but I'm driving myself insane with it. We argue nearly all the time over her and this baby. I've just recently had my child and I don't know what to do. I'm terrified that this girl is going to knock on my door one day and say the child is his. What further complicates the matter is that this is my second marriage. I've got 2 kids by my current husband and one kid by my ex husband. We come from a culture where this would bring great shame on our family if this were to come out. Especially if I left him as this would be my second failed marriage and it would be unlikely anyone from our culture would date me let alone marry me again. I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. No one in my family or friends knows about this and I just feel like I'm waiting for a knock on the door and to be humiliated. Everyone thinks we're a happy family and it couldn't be further from thr truth, I cry myself to sleep most nights. Do I just take my husband's word for it and drop the issue or should I actually contact the girl and just for my own piece of mind ask her outright.

Sorry...I didn't mean that to be harsh...but I just couldn't live like that. It would drive me crazy.

You need to know as it will eat away inside you and that sort of stress isnt good for anyone. He may not want to leave also for cultural reasons? Is that why hes cheating rather than being honest?

Ask her!
All you’ve got is a random phone number and a woman that wears your husbands intials!
He doesn't own his intials you know, there will be other people with those initials.
You could be seriously making yourself ill and driving your husband away.
The ‘signs’ may not be the signs you think.

Sorry it's a lot to get out. I meant when I first started suspecting, I ordered his last 6 month's of phone bills. Her number kept appearing but it was the only number I didn't know. I added her number to my phone and looked on WhatsApp to see if I could view her profile but there was no picture. And at this time, he was telling me it was a guy he was doing work with. It was only about 9 months later that I was just browsing my WhatsApp and her picture appeared.

It sounds like an affair and the baby is his. I would ask her.

I would also ask her

The suspicions would drive me insane. You need to find out but be prepared to walk away one way or another, regardless of cultural issues.

OP - your posts are confusing and in some places make you sound obsessed....
And then some details make it possible that there is something.

However - you state multiple times that you can’t divorce him.
So - what are you looking for, then?

Proof he is cheating, so you can stay and suffer more?
Or hoping against hope that he isn’t?

You have children. I think they’d have benefited from their mother not being constantly paranoid about their father.
You need to

• either learn to deal with life as is - if divorce ISNT an option
• leave, as it’s not a way to live for you and your kids

I honestly thought we were happy. Sex has taken a back seat as we have a young family but I didn't honestly think he would ever cheat on me, I suppose life has gotten in the way, work, financial stress and home life.But it wasn't like we weren't having sex, just not weekly. I just feel so stupid as I started accussing him of cheating over 2 years ago now and I don't know why I allowed myself to fall pregnant again as if anything it trapped me further into all of this. Our baby is only a couple of months old and I know people will say why did you have another baby with him if you thought he was cheating. I only found the girls page once I was pregnant, it was like finding the missing puzzle pieces. I ask him constantly why would he cheat, I am not enough, do I not make him happy but he denies it. I make him swear on everything and still he denies it. It's so hard pretending to everyone that were so happy when half the time I can't even stand to look at him. It's gotten to the point where I'm constantly monitoring where he is, trying to find out whether he's still cheating with that girl. And her baby is only a couple of months older than ours. I know I should drop it and let it lie, but it's like I'm constantly on edge waiting for more to come out or for her to finally make contact with me as surely she will at some point? I tried to catch him out the other week and said she'd messaged me to meet, he just asked me what I was going on about and he had no idea who she was. I think they must still be in contact as he was as cool as a cucumber about this meeting I had made up, that he knew I was lying

Download WhatsApp detective - it's free for 24h I believe. You can input both numbers and find out if both were online for the exact same time. They won't know.

You are married to him. She isn't. He's your husband. She's the OW. Which is more shameful? You have all the rights that come along with marriage. She has nothing. So you could pencil together a message saying to leave your husband alone, it's you he is married to and has a family with..you he lives with and comes home to, your extended family that socialise together. She's just a bit of fun that your husband denies because she means nothing and he wants his family life. He will never leave you or the kids. That will piss her off and hopefully get a response of some kind you can confront him with.

But before you confront him....show your parents, his even, and say this is what has happened, you haven't confronted yet but are about to, and you need them to know this is happening for support and for the sake of the children. This will show you who really has your back by what there response is. And mentioning it first means he can't go in making up stories as he will want to.

Lastly you can't live that unhappily. You deserve more. If you divorce as a wife you are entitled to assets including the house and his pension etc and he has to provide for the children. With a baby it would be much more favourable on you. Let him lose what you had no respect for. You talk shame but he has had none. He has brought the shame on the family. No respect for you, or his children in doing this.

Also staying together for the sake of coping is not a fix. It will mentally destroy you and already is. You can and will cope as a single mum, many others do. You will find a fighting spirit. And definitely lean on all your friends and family as much as you can for the support you need.

Look, if you've already decided you aren't going to divorce him, then you need to accept that this is what he is, and this is what you've signed up for.

You aren't going to make him honest and faithful. It's very likely that we knows full well you won't divorce him due to shame. He's got no reason to change his ways. He knows you know, he knows he can keep lying and you won't do anything but moan at him etc.

It's very possible that he entered a relationship with you partly because he knew you'd give him carte blanche due to you wanting to keep up appearances with your family and community (sorry). He's basically found himself a hall pass. A nice respectable wife who will have his kids etc while he shags around as he sees fit.

You need to accept him as he is. You married him and you say yourself that you won't divorce him. So turn your face away from him and let him get on with it - while you get on with your own life. What else could you possibly do? He's making it clear to you what he is like - and you're making it clear that he won't face consequences for it - so stop driving yourself mad trying to change a man who won't change.

Work on your happiness. Learn to find your own life. Take care of your kids. Leave him to it.

Or - divorce him.

Up to you really.

If he has a child with this woman then he's probably funding her. Does he have enough income to do that? Can you check all his accounts?
If he made that many calls for those durations then you're prob right. Does he have time to visit/see her still? Can you afford to hire a private investigator to do some digging? A PI may be able to assist with installing software on his phone to capture communication he's having with her.

Surely now, you need to get everything out in the open, or you will go crazy with what you are thinking and doing. Everything needs to come out in the wash so to speak, whoever is cheating, whoever who's baby and everything else. and no more stalking on gadgets.

I know it will be a big issue for you, regarding your culture, and personal things with your families. but you need to stay strong for your own health and well being, and for your children too.

No magic wand to make you happy right now, but wish you happiness for the future..

It sounds like you've convinced yourself of these things. Do you honestly think you could be any more miserable if you knew for certain?

Ask her. Sure, I'd she confirms, then you might feel worse for a short while but I think you'd feel some relief at actually knowing and not driving yourself mad thinking about this 24/7. You're basically both living like he has done what you're accusing him of so at least if he has, and you know, you might stand a chance at working through it. And if she says not then you can move forward.

I honestly don't think in the long run you can feel worse than you do now.

Still can't see the hard evidence he has cheated nor that he is the father of this other child.

How does he react when you accuse him? How are you feeling emotionally so soon after giving birth - have you discussed your feelings with midwife/GP? Could be related to depression.

Ask her. You will not know the truth until you start asking questions to someone other than him. Don't tell him you are going to make contact though.

This is a horrible situation and I feel for you.

However, not at any point do you mention any emotions about this man. It's all about practicalities and routines (eg how often you have sex). There is more to relationships than duty and obligations.

Do you love him and want to be with him because you care about him or is it just about maintaining the status quo and him staying with you because it's the done thing because he fathered your children and it fits in with family and cultural expectations?

You need to be with someone you trust and can make you happy, not with someone who is there because it fits in with the norms. That's no life x

Can't imagine how you must be feeling OP, what an awful predicament. I'm not sure what I would do either, but if your husband is consistently denying it, the only way you're going to get any answers is to beat her to it and ask her yourself instead of waiting for a knock at the door. Take her by surprise and give her a call rather than waiting for a reply from a message? If all your suspicions turn out to be true, deal with it then.

It must be really challenging for you going through this while having a two month old baby as well. Sending hugs

oh, it all sounds insane:( You shuldnt do that to yourself - stalking her and thinking about her 24/7. Try to relax and think clearly about this stuff.
If you have his phone bills with her number, ask him and if he says that its male colleague, call that bloody number together, put it on speaker and make him talk.

Do you have access to his phone? You can get his Whatsapp on your laptop. So you can see whom he is texting when he is online all the time.

I wouldnt ask her about anything, at least now. She has no obligations to tell you the truth and if what you think is the truth, she will tell your husband and they just will be more careful.

And about culture: with all respect - fuck it! You dont have to be unhappy till the end of your days because of some culture or especially because your parents wont be happy. Its your life, not theirs. If they want to spend life with that asshole, they can take him to their place.

OP I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. The facts are that he lied about the number and not knowing the person it belonged to despite phone records tellling you they spoke frequently and for long periods. The social media suggests she is involved with a married man.

I think there is enough here for you to ask her. In fact I'm guessing she's begging you to because she believes he'll be kicked out and free to go to her. Is that what's stopping you? She won't have 'won'. She'll have a cheat.

Ok so I've taken the advice of the majority and rang her. She actually just laughed at me and asked why I'm asking these questions when I already know. I said please just tell me the truth. So she did, they've been together nearly 4 years, apparently she didn't know he was married until she fell pregnant. That she wanted to tell me but he persuaded her not to, that he cried, begged and pleaded with her. She said that she would of stayed quiet but then she found I was pregnant shortly after she had her child. She said she told him, she was going to tell me everything but he sent her screenshots of messages between myself and him, where I'm threatening to kill myself and not let him see the kids. She literally knows everything about our relationship. It seems like he's completely honest with her, which is devastating to me as he's shown her private conversations between us, she's known all along that I've been stalking her on social media as he told her and he wanted her to stop posting shit. She said she doesn't understand why I want to know the truth when we both know that I won't do anything about it. Shes said she doesn't want him, that she wouldn't be stupid enough to put herself in my position as if he can do it to me, he will easily do it to her. That he's a liar and a cheat and the only person he loves is himself and his kids. He apparently sees the baby regularly which is an even bigger kick in the teeth as he's still sneaking around and lying and they're still sleeping together. She said she didn't understand why i thought he wasn't cheating on me especially now considering she knows that me and him haven't slept together for months and that she knows I've put paternal guides on all the technology in the house so it's not even like he's got access to porn. She's been pretty upfront and said she doesn't care about anyone now and is putting her child's interest first. She said that she knows I won't do anything but that I need to realise at some point this will come out as especially when her child is older and will want to know about their dads side of the family. That they have a right to know their grandparents and aunts and uncles. She said the balls in my court but she's sick and tired of the lies and tired of him. She's said that if I try to stop my husband from seeing the child or paying support that she'll expose it all herself. She sent me screenshots of their messages to each other where she's broken it off several times and my husband is literally begging and pleading with her not to leave him, that he needs her, that they can drop the sex but he needs her in his life, that he can't do it without her. It seems like she offers him a lot of emotional support. My husband has never been this open with me, I've never even see him cry but he seems to be an open book with her. I still haven't told anyone. I'm sat here crying to myself whilst the baby is sleeping and trying to compose myself. Sorry this is so long winded

I would show everything to your parents and seek their advice. I would also show everything to his parents when you come to a decision. As a MIL myself with sons, I would be horrified and on your side. He really has behaved so badly.

She doesn't want him but has stayed with him, posted things on social media knowing you see them, doesn't stop having sex with him even though she thinks he is a horrible human being?

And she has the cheek to call him these things when she has known she was the OW for years. She knows that you are trapped and won't leave him. She is happy to that to you? She isn't a victim.

Doesn't ring true to be honest. She does want him. She would only be allowing access for the child if she didn't.

I agree with pp. Show your parents.

Fuck all of that. The only shame is on him. Kick his lying arse out. What a bastard.