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Original poster

Says he loves me, but as a best friend

58 replies

SMac2 · 26/09/2018 17:54

Hoping for a little advice, or at least reassurance someone has been in the same boat!

I have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 3) we met at Uni. Basically textbook relationship, met, fell in love, bought a house, got married. Friends and family have always called us the 'golden couple' etc etc.

We've always said we wanted children at 30, this was a decision we came to together many years ago. Earlier this year we decided we would start ttc next year (2019). I've just turned 29 and my husband will be 29 early next year.

The past few months he's become more and more distant with me, until it all came to a head last week. He's said that he has changed his mind about having children, he does want them but not yet and doesn't know when he will be ready. He doesn't want to be stopped doing 'spontaneous things'. He also said he's questioning his feelings for me. He loves me and cares for me but as a best friend, not as a 'lover' (hate that word but don't know how else to say it!!) We haven't had sex for about 8 weeks and before that it was getting more and more sporadic. We've always enjoyed a pretty good sex life until then!

I've told him I don't accept that he doesn't love me like that any more (all relationships go through lulls) and maybe it's other stresses we have going on or his fear of having a baby that is holding him back. I feel like I've lost my husband - yes we're still chat and are friends but that spark has gone, how can we get that back???

I've told him we won't talk about babies again until next year, I want to get our relationship right first! Is this just him freaking out about starting a family or have I lost him for good? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I love my husband so much, I don't want to lose him.

Sorry for the long post, but I would be so grateful for any advice!x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2018 18:12

I think you need to be in the lookout for an OW. He's reading from the script like an old pro.

TheVanguardSix · 26/09/2018 18:16

Absolutely, you are right not to accept his feelings as they are. I’d be scanning the room, looking for the exit sign, OP, scary and daunting as this is. I’d call time on this BS. 💩

Flowers Sad

Robin2323 · 26/09/2018 18:22

I agree with you.
The whole baby thing as put s damper on your sex life.
I'm sure he still loves you same as before.
Having a baby is scary.
I love my kids but if hubby hadn't wanted any I'd have ok with that.
Reassure him you valve him over and above anything.
Good luck x

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/09/2018 18:23

This means 'it's over, there's someone else'. He's trying to let you down gently.

I've told him I don't accept that he doesn't love me like that any more (all relationships go through lulls) and maybe it's other stresses we have going on or his fear of having a baby that is holding him back

I'm sorry, but you can't reject someone's rejection. It doesn't work that way. You're not listening to him.

Original poster
SMac2 · 26/09/2018 18:32

I've asked him outright, twice, if there is anyone else and both times he has looked me in the eye and said no. I believe him.

We've had a lot going on over the past few months, both work-wise and family-wise. His grandma (who is like a 2nd mum to him) is dying and he's taken it so hard I don't know if this is having an effect too. I've tried to be a loving, supportive wife, but not being kissed properly or touched is making it harder and harder!

OP posts:
Thund4rcat · 26/09/2018 18:40

He said he sees you as a friend not a lover. That is not what you need.

I wasted years on an ex who had stopped fancying me and didn't really want kids with me but didn't have the guts to call it off for a long time. I regret not listening to my instincts and walking.

Your story sounds similar in some ways - he has gone cold when the reality of committing to children is on the cards. He can wait until he is 45+ before deciding he wants kids. If you want kids in the next five years you need to be with someone who fancies you and also wants kids soon.

Kittykat93 · 26/09/2018 18:44

I think he's gently trying to tell you he doesn't want to be together anymore. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how I read it.

One good thing is you aren't pregnant yet and don't have children, so it may be easier to move on.

Would it be worth trying some couples counselling? He may just be mega stressed like you said.

Good luck Flowers

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 26/09/2018 18:54

Don’t wait on him . He is telling you clearly that he is not in love with you . Don’t waist your fertile years on this man. My ex looked in my eyes many times and lied . Cut him loose. I defo think another woman is involved but he will never tell you this as cheats are established liars. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think it needs to be said Flowers xx

Snog · 26/09/2018 19:02

A best friend would want you to be in a relationship that gives you what you want and need. He is telling you that the marriage is over.

HereIgoagainxx · 26/09/2018 19:12

You got together young. Maybe he feels he has missed out on being with other people.

As hard as this is to digest, you need to believe what he says. He has clearly thought this through.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But thankfully you don't already have children. That would be much harder as you would always need to be in each others' lives.

RyderWhiteSwan · 26/09/2018 19:16

I'm sorry OP but time to part ways. High probability of OW (lack of sex and increasing distance) - and even if this isn't the case, he has told you he isn't in love with you. You cannot live together as pals. You have time to find someone else who will love to have children with you.

safetyfreak · 26/09/2018 19:21

I would not be surprised if there was an OW either :(

It sounds to me he is ending the marriage, he is basically saying he does not love you anymore.

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 19:29

My DH has problems which means I am more of a carer than a romantic partner than I'd like, and what your DH said to you is how I feel about him in many ways. We are working on it in marriage counselling and things are improving.

Could be it's temporary and a reaction to life stress like ours was, or that now you've grown up fully you are not what he wants anymore.

I'm so sorry.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 26/09/2018 19:38

You should listen to him and set yourself free to find someone who does want you romantically.

Frankly, by forging ahead and driving this, you stand the best shot of showing him what you are made of what your worth is. Don't let him dictate. Take control of your life.

magoria · 26/09/2018 19:39

You need to take the time to decide if DC or he is more important.

If it is DC then the sooner you end this relationship, the sooner you can start healing to move on and find someone who does want DC with you.

Unfortunately with is gran dying it is not a good time.

Good luck.

Honeyroar · 26/09/2018 23:36

What did he reply to you telling him you don't accept what he's said and you want to work on the marriage?

Johnnyfinland · 26/09/2018 23:46

I don’t think what he said necessarily means there is another woman. He may be telling the truth, and it sounds like he is. You can’t ‘not accept’ that he doesn’t love you in that way, it is horrid to hear and hard to accept, but if that’s how he feels, that’s how he feels and you need to believe him. In my experience once the spark’s gone, it’s gone. You can’t force something like that to come back, it’s either there or it isn’t

Johnnyfinland · 26/09/2018 23:47

I would also add that I don’t think anyone would say that to their spouse unless they were absolutely certain it was true, because it could lead to a breakup. No one would risk that if they were just having a wobble but wanted to get things back on track

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 23:53

I said it to my husband because it was true and I needed him to see if we didn't take action (counselling) we'd split up. But I didn't say I was leaving. Just that I felt that way and we needed to do something about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2018 23:54

Op, what he has said to you is that he no longer views your relationship as a marriage. I strongly believe that you should take what he says at face value and demand that he leave. You are not there to be his flatmate. You are in this relationship to be a wife. He seemingly only wants a friendship. Call his bluff and tell him to leave. You will never be able to think clearly so long as he's in the home.

LellyMcKelly · 26/09/2018 23:59

There’s another woman. I’d put money on it.

0rlaith · 27/09/2018 00:00

I also think there’s another woman. He’s not ready to commit to her yet so he wants to keep his current domestic situation going until he’s more clear about what he wants.

That’s why he’s lying to you about no OW. If he told your you might kick him out and he wants to keep his options open. AKA “ being spontaneous “ .

I’m guessing that she is also married / in a relationship so might only get short notice of when they can meet up.

FubbyChucker · 27/09/2018 00:28

What Snog said

user14869556378 · 27/09/2018 00:33

Could you have another chat with him to try and understand exactly what he means by his comments? What he's saying could mean lots of different things

user14869556378 · 27/09/2018 00:34

I'm a similar age to you and just assumed when I was younger that once I hit this age I'd be up for marriage and kids, but now I'm here, I'm years off feeling ready for that.