Says he loves me, but as a best friend

[SMac2]

Hoping for a little advice, or at least reassurance someone has been in the same boat!

I have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 3) we met at Uni. Basically textbook relationship, met, fell in love, bought a house, got married. Friends and family have always called us the 'golden couple' etc etc.

We've always said we wanted children at 30, this was a decision we came to together many years ago. Earlier this year we decided we would start ttc next year (2019). I've just turned 29 and my husband will be 29 early next year.

The past few months he's become more and more distant with me, until it all came to a head last week. He's said that he has changed his mind about having children, he does want them but not yet and doesn't know when he will be ready. He doesn't want to be stopped doing 'spontaneous things'. He also said he's questioning his feelings for me. He loves me and cares for me but as a best friend, not as a 'lover' (hate that word but don't know how else to say it!!) We haven't had sex for about 8 weeks and before that it was getting more and more sporadic. We've always enjoyed a pretty good sex life until then!

I've told him I don't accept that he doesn't love me like that any more (all relationships go through lulls) and maybe it's other stresses we have going on or his fear of having a baby that is holding him back. I feel like I've lost my husband - yes we're still chat and are friends but that spark has gone, how can we get that back???

I've told him we won't talk about babies again until next year, I want to get our relationship right first! Is this just him freaking out about starting a family or have I lost him for good? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I love my husband so much, I don't want to lose him.

Sorry for the long post, but I would be so grateful for any advice!x

It looks like there could be an OW.

I’d hunt around for some evidence. Does he hide his phone?i know you say you believe him, but so many on here receive convincing denials. And their OH has always been morally opposed to cheating.

Look after yourself. If he does turn out to be cheating, it hits you like a tonne of bricks.

Why does someone falling out of love with someone automatically mean OW? I’ve dumped three boyfriends in my life because the spark went and I no longer saw them as a lover. In precisely zero of those situations was there another man on the scene

Sit him down and say it's time to discuss how to end your marriage in the fairest and least painful way you can. He may be telling you the truth that there is no OW and that he cares for you as his best friend - you got together when you were teenagers and that can be very limiting: people change a lot in their 20s. If that's the case, you need to let him go with grace and dignity, even though it's sad.
Or it could be that he fancies retaining the stability of the 'golden couple' setup but would like to have sex with a few other women while you are still there providing his home comforts, so he's seeing how much shit you will eat in order to 'keep' him.

Either way, let him go. Dick is abundant and low value - there are other men out there, and it is utterly poisonous to your wellbeing to throw yourself into trying to maintain a relationship with someone who wants out. It's also unethical - everyone has the right to leave a partner they no longer want to be committed to, for any reason whatsoever.

Does he actually do anything spontaneous op?
He's not having sex with you, and he changed his mind about. I'd put money on an OW too.

Why does someone falling out of love with someone automatically mean OW? I’ve dumped three boyfriends in my life because the spark went and I no longer saw them as a lover. In precisely zero of those situations was there another man on the scene

Erm, because it’s not her boyfriend it’s her husband . And he’s not leaving - he’s staying but unilaterally redefining the terms of their relationship.

After agreeing for years to TTC next year he’s changed his mind.

They own a house together but he’s not offering to sell her his share, so I’m guessing he plans to go on living there as her flat mate.

He doesn’t want to have sex with her. But I’m guessing he doesn’t want her to have sex with other people,

He wants to be free to do his own thing socially.

He’s told her all this so she can “ work harder “ at keeping him happy while he makes no effort because he’s confused. It’s called the pick me dance.

So she has all the disadvantages of marriage with none of the advantages .

So no, it’s not remotely the same as dumping a boyfriend.

How are you today @SMac2?

It's sad but I think you need to accept that your marriage may be over. I think he's trying to let you down gently, whether there's an OW or not.

I've told him I don't accept that he doesn't love me like that any more

I'm sorry but this is a bit bonkers. It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not, this is what he is saying.

Time to count your losses and start planning a future without him.

I've asked him outright, twice, if there is anyone else and both times he has looked me in the eye and said no. I believe him
Ah bless you.
Sorry, but they all say that.
If he had kids he would be swearing on their lives!
This is the 'I love you but not IN love with you' line that all cheaters use.
I'm sorry but all the signs are there.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
Yes... bloody tonnes of us on here and for 99% of us there was OW!
Sorry!

As he hasn't suggested counselling he's trying to let you down gently and will soon start talking about next steps towards separation I think.

It does seem the majority of times there's someone else or just the idea of someone else....wanting to take things further to see what happens with an online friend or a new colleague seem to be common.

If you’re right, and it is just a matter of ‘spark’, it can still only be put right if your dh is committed to that too. Has he said that he wants to work on things? Would he go for counselling? You cannot fix this single handed. You have been together since you were very young and, although it’s desperately sad, he may simply feel the relationship has run its course.

He has been to one counselling session by himself and said he would like to go to more and potentially couples counselling too. He said it's killing him that he feels like this and it's not what he wants. I think we are both committed to making it work.

He's had to work away recently (I know what you're thinking but it is genuinely something he has to do every year) which has made it all the harder. We have intense conversations then the next day he has to go away for work.

He said he does want a family with me, just not yet. He said it's just gotten very real and very scary now we're here.

I know I can't stay in a relationship where neither of us are happy but I honestly feel like if we can both commit to giving it a chance we can turn it around. Maybe I'm deluded :(

So what is he telling you he wants to do about it? Does he want to break up or does he expect you to just stay with him but leave him alone or what? If that's the case you need to tell him that's not acceptable to you, he's your husband not your flatmate, you need to tell him he has to leave if he can't decide or until he knows

I agree with trinity . You need to ask him what he’s going to DO. Not waffle about trying to change his feelings and how it’s killing him.

What actions - committing to date nights or doing things together , making time to have sex, kissing and cuddling you, doing 50% of housework and wifework ?

I used to have a job where we had to work away for weeks at a time. I was pretty horrified at what some of my married colleagues got up to. I really hope that’s not the case for you.

You need to go to counselling, right away. You need to get to the bottom of what’s going on because, to put it bluntly, you don’t have years more to waste on something that may not last if you want to have children. He needs to make a decision about what he wants, fannying around saying he’s not sure what he wants might be okay for him for it’s not okay for you.

If it were me, I would book counselling sessions and separate temporarily. If he wants the marriage to survive, he needs to put the work in. If he doesn’t want to, you’ll know it very quickly.

OW or not (I suspect there is), he doesn't love you anymore. End of the story.

He said it's killing him that he feels like this
And... more from the cheaters script.
Him saying this is his GUILT!!!!!

JohnnyFinland, OW is the standard cry of many on here any time any man wants out of a relationship.

I have always left relationships because the spark just went and never because someone else was lined up. My most recent ex and I split because he no longer loved me. There has been no other women pop up. Not every person needs a new lover to be in the wings to leave an unfulfilling relationship.

Of course it happens, but saying it is always the case is ridiculous.

He is telling you he no longer loves you as a wife or lover. He would not have just blurted that out, he has been considering those big words for a very long time. He knows this is going to be a total dealbreaker, no one delivers that to their other half on a whim. He is letting you know gently that it is over. I am sorry op.

Whether there is someone else or not (and I am also minded to think there absolutely is regardless of what he is saying to you) It is almost irrelevant if he no longer loves you, the marriage is effectively over unless you are happy to exist in a loveless marriage. Be very glad you haven't had children op.

Take him at his word and ask him to move out, if he agrees you have your answer. You can consider counselling, but a counsellor is unlikely to be able to bring back love if there are not concrete reasons beyond that as to why your marriage is in trouble.

I would set about protecting my assets, accounts, line up support and be prepared for this to be over. I am sorry.

0rlaith Spot on excellent post.

I understand this is painful and the last thing I wish to do is compound that, but I agree with Reanimated SGB

"...it is utterly poisonous to your wellbeing to throw yourself into trying to maintain a relationship with someone who wants out. It's also unethical - everyone has the right to leave a partner they no longer want to be committed to, for any reason whatsoever."

That, basically. He gets to decide how he feels, not you. He's told you that he no longer loves you so that's that. It's not up to you to accept or reject it.

I think it's a case of growing apart rather than OW. It's most likely one of you has changed. I'm about the same age as you and When I look back I wouldn't date anyone I used to fancy 10years ago because either they've now changed or because my interests have changed.

A lot of character transitioning happen in your 20s.

I'm really sorry, but it simply isn't good enough for him to say that he might want children in the future but he doesn't know when, and to expect you to just accept that. Especially if you've had no inkling up until now that he had changed his mind about the plan you both agreed to previously.

I would guess that he's been feeling ambivalent about your relationship for some time, but while it was just the two of you he was content to do nothing about it. The idea of starting a family, however, has forced him to have a rethink. In a way, it's better that he has done that than if he had gone along with trying for a baby to keep the peace. But he seems to be telling you that he doesn't think of you as a wife/partner any more and perhaps he's hoping that this will force you into being the one to end it.

What SGB said.

I am so sorry for you; I know it must be a great shock to find out your relationship and marriage won’t be going the distance (...unless you decide you are ok without children too).

You sound like a very intelligent woman and I get the being strong to fight your own corner. But in this case, imho, fighting your own corner would be dumping his ass pronto.

The agreement to have kids was done long ago when the reality of the intention was very abstract. The growth people experience in the decade of their 20s is huge, so while disappointing, it isn’t really surprising that a change in attitude has occurred.

“Do you want children?” Is pretty much a “yes” or “ no” question. If you don’t get a clear, specific “yes” for an answer, then it’s a “no”. Sorry. Maybe later is a no. I’ll get counseling is a no. Let’s wait one more year is a no. Anything, except “yes”, is a “no”.

Please understand that you do not want to have kids with someone who doesn’t want them.

I think what your H has done is a very cruel thing. He wants out but wants you to be the one to pull the plug when you still love him and had envisioned ttc next year and all that entails . He wants you to end things so that he won't be the "bad guy". You are shocked but he has had a long time to think about those devastating statements he made about being friend and not lovers.

He's probably not ready to give up the cosy life you have together, wants to preserve the friendship group (for him in the future) and perhaps has a little inkling of being undecided still but has a great get out for the future. If there is no OW he probably has a had a flirtation or EA with a colleague he would have liked to take further. Perhaps he feels he has missed out by being monogamous so young. He may be telling the truth that the reality of parenthood is too scary for him but he should want to explore that together. It really is the old "I love you but I'm not in love with you line"

Perhaps, Mating in captivity would be a useful book to read.

Talking about having kids years from now is different to saying you're going for it, he may genuinely be struggling with it now the moment is here, particularly with other things going on for him. Putting that specific time on it may in itself have built up a pressure and made him question everything more as the time approached.

Having deep conversations and then him going away may be his way of limiting the awkwardness after, he may feel more comfortable knowing you can talk things through then have space to mull then over.

I think take the pressure off, try and have some fun together and try and relax into each other again. Good luck.

I suppose my question is why would you articulate such a hurtful statement if you weren’t sure it was how you feel.

I mean our feelings towards our loved ones ebbs and flows. I assume we have all one day reflected on the way love changes from passionate to contented and that you question whether it is still true love. But for me it never takes that long to reconcile the doubt. Minutes really. Nb I do and he does it just changes.

If I continued to have long term doubts I would keep quiet until I knew one way or the other. Because there is no way back from saying I love you like a friend. That’s not the same as “I wish we could be more spontaneous again” or “why don’t you buy me flowers more often”.

So I think he has a confidence in this statement. That might be based solely on his feelings and validated by his therapy or it could be because he has a new baseline for romantic love. The former should be an assured statement he has thoroughly explored. The later, well, classically people hedge their bets until they know it is a better deal.