Says he loves me, but as a best friend

[SMac2]

Hoping for a little advice, or at least reassurance someone has been in the same boat!

I have been with my husband for 10 years (married for 3) we met at Uni. Basically textbook relationship, met, fell in love, bought a house, got married. Friends and family have always called us the 'golden couple' etc etc.

We've always said we wanted children at 30, this was a decision we came to together many years ago. Earlier this year we decided we would start ttc next year (2019). I've just turned 29 and my husband will be 29 early next year.

The past few months he's become more and more distant with me, until it all came to a head last week. He's said that he has changed his mind about having children, he does want them but not yet and doesn't know when he will be ready. He doesn't want to be stopped doing 'spontaneous things'. He also said he's questioning his feelings for me. He loves me and cares for me but as a best friend, not as a 'lover' (hate that word but don't know how else to say it!!) We haven't had sex for about 8 weeks and before that it was getting more and more sporadic. We've always enjoyed a pretty good sex life until then!

I've told him I don't accept that he doesn't love me like that any more (all relationships go through lulls) and maybe it's other stresses we have going on or his fear of having a baby that is holding him back. I feel like I've lost my husband - yes we're still chat and are friends but that spark has gone, how can we get that back???

I've told him we won't talk about babies again until next year, I want to get our relationship right first! Is this just him freaking out about starting a family or have I lost him for good? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I love my husband so much, I don't want to lose him.

Sorry for the long post, but I would be so grateful for any advice!x

What are you going to do....hang on in there for any little crumb of attention of affection from him, any little drip of information???

Watching his every move, is he happy, what can I do, is it me?

Wait while your heart leaks out your ears and joins the puddle of your self respect and self confidence as it washes down the gutter??

Send him on his way to make up his mind, preferably somewhere a bit dingy and uncomfortable, set a time limit and as others have said brace yourself for the OW to come crawling out of the woodwork

It's not for you to fix him, or to try and fix whatever he thinks is broken in the marriage, it is his problem, he made (or imagined) it, he needs to solve it or he is going to resent you for being needy and clingy.

My friend's OH worked away for years and was faithful until.... It only takes meeting someone willing to have an affair once. Maybe the opportunity presented itself.

I hope not and wish you the very best. I think he's in individual counselling instead of marriage for a reason.

This happened to me but I'd thought I'd give you a positive out come. About 7/8 years in other half declared I no longer love you I don't want kids anymore ever. I was quite abrupt and essentially said fine leave then! I love you want kids marriage the lot but I'm not hanging round. At the time I'd just took a huge paycut and downgraded my job due to stress at work (I was not easy to live with) and unknown to us both he was suffering from PTSD. The jolt of my response made him back track no wait I'm not sure etc. I gave him six months to go to counselling and get his head straight and me time to get over my stress and to work in just our relationship. It took time and it wasn't easy but he realised and everything got much better all round. 6 years on we are now married and trying to start our family (was mid 20s at the time). We have had miscarriages unfortunately and he has been my absolute rock. Change in feelings does not always mean OW!

I think the best thing you can do for both yourself and him right now is tell him he needs to either agree to couples counselling and 'working on the marriage' or that he needs to move out, and very soon. Just don't fall into the trap of scurrying around trying to please him and hoping he will change his mind.
While he hasn't necessarily done anything wrong in telling you he doesn't love you any more, it is wrong and selfish of him to expect you to suck this up and continue washing his pants, cooking his meals and being available for him to stick his dick in if he gets the urge, all the while giving him 'space' to fuss about his feelings as though yours are irrelevant.
Decent people, when they reach the point where they decide to tell their official partner that they want out of the relationship, follow words with actions pretty quickly - they start house-hunting or call an estate agent to value the current home or whatever. They don't just drop the bomb then retreat to the comfort of the sofa.

You change so much in your 20s, I think sustaining a relationship through that period is really hard. I felt like this about my ex and kept him hanging around while I made up my mind. No OM on the scene.

I’d take him at his word and push him to make a decision either way. When you’ve been together a long time and you are best friends breaking up is really hard, but if he feels like this it’s probably not going to get better and it’s not fair on you. Both ex and I are now in relationships we are much more suited to and are we are still friends.

I agree with the approach suggested by Reanimated. Absolutely.

OP I’m really sorry but it sounds like it is over.
Get your ducks in a row; then ask him to leave.
You are young enough to start again.

A word of warning, do not be surprised if he moves on very quickly once you’ve split. Do not take it personally; hard as it may be

I think the key thing is the loss of his Grandma, who was clearly very important to him, a second mum according to the OP. He's clearly grieving, so that will play a part in this. It might be best just to give him time to work through his feelings without pressure to decide about TTC?

I also don't get why there automatically has to be an OW. It could just be grief that he's going through. The timing can't be a coincidence imo. (Obviously there could also be an OW, but the OP hasn't included any grounds for suspicion on that score.)