Sorry this is so incredibly long. Complex situation and don't want to dripfeed.
I have two sons, 23 and 26. My DH died when they were still at primary school. DS2 reacted in a normal way to bereavement. DS1 seemed OK for 15 months but then cracked up. He became a complete recluse. The NHS was useless. I got relentless pressure about his school attendance. But he wasn't just missing school, he was locked in his dark bedroom (often sobbing) pretty much 24/7. He thought of suicide daily during this period.
This went on for two whole years. We got no help of any sort. We later got an apology from CAMHS.
DS1 only recovered enough for home tuition at 14, by which time it was too late to rescue his GCSEs. School was never likely to be easy for him as he has the most severe 10% of dyslexia and the top 1% of intelligence. His DF's death was the final straw.
Since he was 18 he has only had two real jobs . Neither lasted 6 months. He's had the odd day cash in hand but that's all.
He has no money so pays no keep. He won't sign on for benefits because he gets desperately anxious. However this is a real burden for me - and his DB I am unable to work due to ill health and living on £700 a month. Out of that I feed DS1 and his girlfriend who is here 5 nights a week. We wouldn't be able to keep the house going if it weren't for DS2, who has a good job he enjoys and gladly pays his way.
18 months ago DS1 wrecked the ground floor of our house in a state of alcoholic psychosis. He smashed lots of stuff and ripped the back door off its hinges. It was terrifying. The police were wonderful. He's very big and strong, though I have never feared he would hit me.
After that he was very remorseful for weeks. He has not got drunk since. But I have become increasingly troubled that he's going to end up at 40 still squatting in my basement.
Life Is just passing him by. I try to get him to discuss both his future and the money every few months. There are always promises but nothing actually changes.
I reached a decision over the summer that it was bad for all of us to put up with this any longer. I told him he needed to get a job and prepare to move out.
So to today:
My Sky box has been bust for weeks and the engineers arrived this morning. When I took them into the TV room my TV had gone. Turns out DS1 had taken it and had screwed it to the wall. He refused to unscrew it. Said it was too difficult.
The Sky engineers had to leave. They can't come again for over a month. I was furious.
I was remonstrating with him, with him shouting at me through his locked bedroom door. He lives in the basement and none of us are allowed in. Eventually he came to the door and held it half open.
Then, when I shouted at him again, his hand came out very quickly and he slapped my arm. It didn't hurt or make a mark. I'm not frightened. What I am is totally shocked.
I feel this is a massive step in the wrong direction. I can't overlook this.
He hotly denies that he has any MH issues. However I have been operating his whole adult life on the basis that his MH is very poor, with severe depression and anxiety. If I am wrong and he's fine, his treatment of me would be appalling.
I feel he is immensely vulnerable. It worries me sick, plus the situation is so unfair on his DB.
DS2 plans to move out in the next 9 months. He would rather stay at home and save money towards a deposit for a place (he pays less here than rent would be) but he just can't tolerate DS1's behaviour.
I'm going to have to kick DS1 out, aren't I?