Boyfriend has a son he lied to me about

[Rachel516]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a 4 month old son together. I have a girl he used to see on Facebook and for a while I’d been seeing pictures of her little boy and had a horrible gut feeling as he was the spitting imagine of my partner. My partners mother used to always say she hated the girl then all of a sudden she kept commenting on pictures of the little boy saying how cute he was and how much she loved him etc, I thought this was very strange so I asked him last November if the child was his and he compleatly denied it. For a very long time I questioned him on this and he kept telling me the child wasn’t his. There was a picture posted on Facebook of the boy and his sister commented on it referring to him as “family” as you can imagine my heart conplestly sunk and when I asked him he still denied it. Two months ago my mum had been at her friends house and had heard from her friend that he had another child and she came home and told me and he still denied it. I then messaged his mum asking if the child was his and she said she’s not 100% sure and sent me the messages between them from last August telling her she had a grandson and that he had known for 2 months and was trying to make the situation go away by blocking her on everything. She said in the message she was with two guys round about the same time and she thought it was her boyfriends child and when the boy was born she worked out the dates the hospital gave her and she seen no resemblance so took a DNA test and it turns out her boyfriend wasn’t the dad so there’s only one other person it could be. Since August his mum and sister have been meeting up with her and the little boy and been sending him birthday/Christmas cards. He eventually admitted to finding out last June and said he never told me cause he didn’t believe it. He is yet to do a DNA test and still doesn’t pay her CSA money despite multiple letters being sent to his house requesting he does a DNA test. I still love him and have no idea what our future holds. At the moment I’m so hurt about the lies, I’m so hurt he’s got another son and I’m so hurt my baby has a brother. I have absolutely no idea what to do and he’s clearly not going to deal with it. Im so hurt that absolutely everyone knew for so long and never told me. I’ve not spoken to the girl about this but I know her very well and have her on Facebook. I just want evidence that the little boy is his so that he can’t keep denying it. I know my baby is still so little but I want to do right by him. I just don’t know if anyone has any advice on what to do?

[Rachel516]

Yes he wants to be in our sons life very much so. I myself also wonder what he will be like towards our son when it comes down to him having a relationship with his brother. As far as he’s concerned the child isn’t his no matter what. I brought it up to him before that out son deserves to have a relationship with his brother but I can’t quite remember what was said as it was a while ago now

[magoria]

You son should not be stuck in a car seat for 3 hours it can be dangerous for them.

[Thighofrelief]

OP - it's tricky because he has behaved badly in the scheme of things but has he behaved badly to you and your son. It's sad re the other child but not your responsibility and the brothers relationship is really only a fantasy at this stage. If i were you i wouldn't reach out or seek out the other woman just live in your bubble with your baby. You don't have to fly the flag for anyone else.

[AcrossthePond55]

Right on, @NotTheFordType !

"Oh, when she's angry, she is keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she went to school. And though she be but little, she is fierce."

[Rachel516]

Hmm I do slightly agree with what thighofrelief is saying and I have felt like that for a while. It’s not my doing and it’s been dumped on me but I don’t want to see it as a negative. I myself don’t have a relationship with my father and have a small family. I want as many people to love my son as possible! It’s not really a fantasy, if I could make this all go away I would trust me but that’s not going to happen

[Thighofrelief]

OP - which is more important to you for your son to have? The father or the brother? Your ex has behaved disgustingly but to be frank who amongst us hasn't shagged the wrong person at some stage? I presume since you and the girl slightly know of each other and seem to live locally that it is possible your sons will go to school with each other? You could let things lie for now - your son is a very young baby and won't have a clue about his brother for a couple of years at least. You can let things play out and see how your ex behaves towards YOUR son and take decisions about the brother in a couple of years.

[Rachel516]

I used to love locally but moved away three years ago. I don’t want to keep apart of my son from him, he deserves a relationship with both his dad and his son. If his dad loves him as much as he says he does he wouldn’t disown him for having a relationship with his brother. I don’t plan on contacting her anytime soon. I’ve gone through a lot myself and have been homeless for the last 2 months. Only now is my life starting to look bright. I want to get myself settled in my house and I’m going back to work in December and have that to focus on