Boyfriend has a son he lied to me about

[Rachel516]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a 4 month old son together. I have a girl he used to see on Facebook and for a while I’d been seeing pictures of her little boy and had a horrible gut feeling as he was the spitting imagine of my partner. My partners mother used to always say she hated the girl then all of a sudden she kept commenting on pictures of the little boy saying how cute he was and how much she loved him etc, I thought this was very strange so I asked him last November if the child was his and he compleatly denied it. For a very long time I questioned him on this and he kept telling me the child wasn’t his. There was a picture posted on Facebook of the boy and his sister commented on it referring to him as “family” as you can imagine my heart conplestly sunk and when I asked him he still denied it. Two months ago my mum had been at her friends house and had heard from her friend that he had another child and she came home and told me and he still denied it. I then messaged his mum asking if the child was his and she said she’s not 100% sure and sent me the messages between them from last August telling her she had a grandson and that he had known for 2 months and was trying to make the situation go away by blocking her on everything. She said in the message she was with two guys round about the same time and she thought it was her boyfriends child and when the boy was born she worked out the dates the hospital gave her and she seen no resemblance so took a DNA test and it turns out her boyfriend wasn’t the dad so there’s only one other person it could be. Since August his mum and sister have been meeting up with her and the little boy and been sending him birthday/Christmas cards. He eventually admitted to finding out last June and said he never told me cause he didn’t believe it. He is yet to do a DNA test and still doesn’t pay her CSA money despite multiple letters being sent to his house requesting he does a DNA test. I still love him and have no idea what our future holds. At the moment I’m so hurt about the lies, I’m so hurt he’s got another son and I’m so hurt my baby has a brother. I have absolutely no idea what to do and he’s clearly not going to deal with it. Im so hurt that absolutely everyone knew for so long and never told me. I’ve not spoken to the girl about this but I know her very well and have her on Facebook. I just want evidence that the little boy is his so that he can’t keep denying it. I know my baby is still so little but I want to do right by him. I just don’t know if anyone has any advice on what to do?

[Bekabeech]

Unless you worry about the safety of your son, then even if he is a Dick then your son has a right to a relationship with his Dad. But you don't have to bend over backwards about it.

[Rachel516]

No I don’t worry about him at all when they’re together, he’s good with him he’s just a dreadful life partner

[SandyY2K]

It seems like it was just sex with her as she was with a boyfriend at the time ...but he has to face up to the life he created through unprotected sex.

Did he know she had a BF?

[Adora10]

Men like him should actually be prosecuted; it makes me sick.

[C0untDucku1a]

It annoys me so much that men can so easily, especially self-employed men, not contribute towards their children.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He put on my sons birth certificate that he was working and what he does so don’t think he can get out of this one

Please don't kid yourself; if he's self employed (no surprise there ) he can "get out of it" only too easily, and if that doesn't work he'll probably just go on benefits. Either that or suggest you get back together while promising you the earth, purely to avoid being made to pay

Unfortunately this type often regard children as a mere unwanted side effect of their feral sex lives, so maybe in future you might want to consider really getting to know someone first?

[Rachel516]

I really don’t know what the background was when everything happened

[C0untDucku1a]

Thats the point puzzle was making. You didnt know him.

How old is your ex?

[Rachel516]

He’s 22

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I really don’t know what the background was when everything happened

There's no reason you would, with someone you'd known such a very short time ... which is why I wondered if you might want to take more time in future

Sadly, as it is, there are now two children he's no intention of supporting - and they're just the ones you know about

[Holdingonbarely]

22 and 2 kids. Jesus Christ. Well done for realising he’s a shit life partner. I presume you’re a similar age. Be clever. Try hard. Do well in life. And as you said, you’ll teach your son not to be the man he is.

[Rachel516]

I’ve spoken to his mum there and she was saying the girl doesn’t want to make anything more difficult for me and that she’s would like the boys to have a relationship in the future. His mum said it’s something to think about and to focus on getting settled into my new house and to get myself back into work. It’s still early days. I’ve informed my sons father that I have contacted child maintenance and the reply I got was “wow okay hahah”. Very immature

[Holdingonbarely]

Jesus love. I mean I know the horse has bolted and all that. But please think about things very carefully in your future relationships and baby making. This man is a child, literally.

[AcrossthePond55]

At least she's open to them having a relationship. Are you ready for that? If so, I'd contact her after you get settled and arrange to meet up somewhere 'neutral' like a cafe for a coffee/tea.

[SantaIsReal]

Your son has a sibling & he has denied both they kids that!
He doesn't want to take a DNA test as this mean he'll have to pay CSA, right now he can get out that due to unknown paternity.
You have to do what is right for you & both those kids.
I'm afraid to say it sounds like he has played both you & the other woman.

[Rachel516]

He wanted to come pick our son up and take him to his for the night which is 3 hours from where I stay and I explained to him I wasn’t happy about it as his first tooth is coming through. I said he could take him out for the day but not at night cause he’s so unsettled and now I’m being accused of using our son as a weapon. I informed him that I’ve contacted child maintenance and his reply was “you’ve shot yourself in the foot” and that I’ve made myself out to be a fool and my greed will be my down fall and my family is my failure. I have no idea what planet this man clocked of on. If you can even call him a man that is

[SandAndSea]

He's showing more of his true colours now. Just keep maintaining your own integrity and try not to take on his shit. You've done the right thing getting onto the CSA.

[SunburstsOrMarbleHalls]

Urgh what a disgusting excuse for a human your ex is!

He has the audacity to accuse you of being greedy because you have asked for child maintenance. Of course you have had to go through the official channels because you have first hand knowledge of him trying to avoid parental responsibility with his other potential son.

He will probably never step up and pay a reasonable amount of maintenance as it is very difficult for CMS to fully asses some dishonest self employed NRP's who choose to either actually lower their earnings or "fiddle" their earnings with cash in hand work.

The fact that he has continuously lied to you and dodged multiple requests for a DNA sample shows that you will be much better off without him.

Also your baby is only 16 weeks old, it is not usual for overnight contact (especially over 3 hours away) to start until a child is a little older and has a more established routine. I would really encourage you to actually set something up officially through the courts regarding contact as your ex will potentially be a massive bell end and mess you and your son around massively. He could for example just not return DS until the next day and there is very little that you could do if their is no official contact order when has parental responsibility.

[Rachel516]

He will be bricking himself now that I’ve contacted CSA cause he thought I wouldn’t. When he says I’ve fucked things for myself and I’ll soon find out he means it’s going to come back that I’ll get nothing from him as he doesn’t declare his earnings and everything he does is cash and hand. It came back from his other CSA case that he wasn’t working ect. I spoke to his mum about it and she said the other girl is trying to get proof of him selling cars to people to pass on to HMRC but I don’t know to much about her situation with CSA. He had him last week for two nights when I was moving and he cried for 40 minutes straight and was so unsettled when he came home. My little boy hates the car aswell and I have a problem with him being stuck in a car seat for three hours. May I also had his other son lives 40 minutes away from where he stays and it’s not like he wouldn’t bump into him as it’s a very very small place where everyone knows everyone. He wants to be in our sons life but clearly doesn’t feel like he has a financial responsibility towards him. When I first told him I contacted CSA the first reply was “wow okay haha” not that’s ok I’ll make sure it’s aorted. Poor poor excuse for a human being

[Holdingonbarely]

This man is 22 and acting like a 22 year old, only he has 2 kids.
You’re a bit fucked in regards to him. Honestly, the best thing you can do is what you said earlier, bring him up to be the man his father hasn’t.
This man is going to let you down forever

[Holdingonbarely]

I bet he loves having super sperm

[WellThisIsShit]

Oh dear, I’m afraid you’re going to end up without any money from him in the end.

[AcrossthePond55]

Another reason to try to form a relationship with the other mum. The two of you working together may be able to build a more complete picture of his 'earnings'. Two heads are better than one.

[NotTheFordType]

I agree @AcrossthePond55 - the power of women when they band together is phenomenal.

I don't have any personal knowledge regarding contact but my understanding was that if a baby was being breastfed then contact should only take place with the mother present. Even if formula fed I'd be really reluctant to think of a tiny baby spending hours away from its mother, especially if the other parent is not resident and doesn't have a meaningful relationship with the child.

Perhaps you could get some proper legal advice from the Rights of Women website:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

[Thighofrelief]

I would exercise caution OP. If you band together with the other girl your child may gain a brother but lose a father. He seems to want to be involved in your child's life.