Boyfriend has a son he lied to me about

[Rachel516]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a 4 month old son together. I have a girl he used to see on Facebook and for a while I’d been seeing pictures of her little boy and had a horrible gut feeling as he was the spitting imagine of my partner. My partners mother used to always say she hated the girl then all of a sudden she kept commenting on pictures of the little boy saying how cute he was and how much she loved him etc, I thought this was very strange so I asked him last November if the child was his and he compleatly denied it. For a very long time I questioned him on this and he kept telling me the child wasn’t his. There was a picture posted on Facebook of the boy and his sister commented on it referring to him as “family” as you can imagine my heart conplestly sunk and when I asked him he still denied it. Two months ago my mum had been at her friends house and had heard from her friend that he had another child and she came home and told me and he still denied it. I then messaged his mum asking if the child was his and she said she’s not 100% sure and sent me the messages between them from last August telling her she had a grandson and that he had known for 2 months and was trying to make the situation go away by blocking her on everything. She said in the message she was with two guys round about the same time and she thought it was her boyfriends child and when the boy was born she worked out the dates the hospital gave her and she seen no resemblance so took a DNA test and it turns out her boyfriend wasn’t the dad so there’s only one other person it could be. Since August his mum and sister have been meeting up with her and the little boy and been sending him birthday/Christmas cards. He eventually admitted to finding out last June and said he never told me cause he didn’t believe it. He is yet to do a DNA test and still doesn’t pay her CSA money despite multiple letters being sent to his house requesting he does a DNA test. I still love him and have no idea what our future holds. At the moment I’m so hurt about the lies, I’m so hurt he’s got another son and I’m so hurt my baby has a brother. I have absolutely no idea what to do and he’s clearly not going to deal with it. Im so hurt that absolutely everyone knew for so long and never told me. I’ve not spoken to the girl about this but I know her very well and have her on Facebook. I just want evidence that the little boy is his so that he can’t keep denying it. I know my baby is still so little but I want to do right by him. I just don’t know if anyone has any advice on what to do?

[someonekillbabyshark]

Smh

[Monty27]

This is awful. I like the idea of DNA testing with the children. Albeit that the other mother is compliant.
Jeez I feel a bit like Jeremy Kyle right now. No offence.

[DianaT1969]

Your son is small and you have plenty of time to work on creating a relationship with his brother.
I'd focus on getting your life on track without your bf. Get your claim in for support. Does he work?
Where is he living now?
I get the impression you don't plan to split up with him.

[Cawfee]

Your BF is disgusting. Awful behaviour and it would put me right off him personally. Get in touch with the girl and do a dna test between your kids. Prove they are brothers then both of you start claiming CMS. Then both start demanding he does his fair share of childcare while you both get on with your lives and find somebody decent and honest to share it with. Thank goodness you found out now so you can get over him and build a good life without wasting it on this liar

[Shoxfordian]

He has no integrity. Why is he still your boyfriend?

[cakecakecheese]

He lies to you, he doesn't pay you the money he should be paying, he's ignoring the fact he very likely has a child who he should be providing for, honestly he sounds awful. I know you love him but sometimes you have to leave the person you love if they're not treating you how you should be treated.

Do you have much real life support? This is quite a lot to be thinking about when you've not long had a baby yourself.

[Joysmum]

I’ve just moved into my own place and he keeps saying he’s going to give me money each month but hasn’t

And so his pattern of behaviour continues.

I not that your thread seems to be about your child the his other child having a relationship in future, rather than being about you and you BF’s relationship. I hope this is because you and he have split up permanently.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I still love him and have no idea what our future holds
Why do you still love someone who is so friggin' awful.
Denying his own child.
Not supporting his own child.
This will be you soon enough.
I could NEVER love someone who was like this.
He's a worthless piece of crap and you know it.
You do NOT want this asshole as a role model to your DS.
You know what to do!

[Joysmum]

Not supporting his own child.
This will be you soon enough

It already is helksbellsmelons he’s said he’d pay support as she’s now in her own home but still hasn’t.

Take him to CSA and make sure he supports at least one of his children.

[PatriciaHolm]

Despicable. He's been constantly lying to you, and refusing to support the son he already has.

From your OP you say you've been together over a year and had a 4 month old....which suggests you fell pregnant very quickly? I would suggest you don't know your partner very well at all unfortunately.

[MiddleClassProblem]

How do you have no way of contacting her when his mum and sister still see her? They must have her number.

The fact that she’s an old school friend on fb, presumably your only mutual friends weren’t him and his family, there are others you could contact to get in touch, maybe be even her sibling or parent.

All very odd...

[AnyFucker]

You seem more concerned with the two babies having a relationship than looking at what kind of man this is

You have been together only "over a year" and already have a 4 month old. You basically had a baby with a feckless deceiver thst doesn't support his kids. That was very foolish.

Run away. Quickly. Before you get pregnant with another child whose father doesn't give a shit about. Don't compound the huge mistake you have already made by staying with this lost cause.

[subspace]

Get hold of her number from his mum, his sister, or any of your mutual friends. Does her mum still live where you went when you went on playdates? There's no way you wouldn't be able to make contact one way or another. Electoral roll if any of her family haven't moved in 10+ years.

Look at how he's treating her and his first kid. That's how he's going to treat you, sooner or later. It's already begun.

[Rachel516]

I’ve not been with him now for 2/3 months. That’s for all your advise, I’m going to give his mum a call today and see if I can get her number. The girl contacted CSA and he came back saying he wasn’t working which he’s probably going to do to me aswell. He’s self employed so I don’t know how he’s getting away with that

[subspace]

Glad you're not still with him

Can you report somebody to CSA to say they are lying?

[subspace]

Or HMRC - they'd definitely be interested to hear if he is working but not declaring it to pay tax. Keep hold of, and offer any evidence you have of him working.

[Rachel516]

I’m just of the phone to CSA there. He put on my sons birth certificate that he was working and what he does so don’t think he can get out of this one

[AnyFucker]

He might just live to regret dicking you around

[Rachel516]

Do I tell him I’ve contacted child maintenance or do I just wait till they contact him?

[TeacupTattoo]

Tell him. He has no excuse not to be ok with it. The only time they reduce maintenance is if the non-residential parent has child a fair few nights a year (can't remember exact amount - it gets reduced a bit for every 7 night's the child with them).
He has lied to you in such a disgraceful way, I hope you and this other woman do talk and can remain civil as the children deserve a relationship. You sound a strong and determined woman who will not put up with being disrespected - be proud of yourself.

[MiggledyHiggins]

Nah, let him get a shock. He's good at dishing them.

Good that you've broken up - maintain that. Ask your ex-mil or ex-sil to pass along your phone number to the other mum and see if you can develop a friendship with her that your two boys will benefit from.

[Holdingonbarely]

Jesus Christ what an awful man. I can 100% be sure that this will not be your child’s only half sibling going forward in the future. He’s the kind who ends up with 10 kids by different women.
Giving them all 1.50 a week in CMS payments.
This has Jeremy Kyle written all over it. If I was you, I would go ahead with cms and then steer clear of him forever.

[Ellisandra]

Going to CMS is a great way to get him to acknowledge the other child - bet he tries to get your son’s maintenance reduced by suddenly claiming he has two kids

[Rachel516]

ahah that made me laugh, I said to him when this all came out that this is something Jeremy Kyle would deal with 😂 it’s hard cause he wants a relationship with my son and I don’t know if it would be right for me to deny him of that.hes great at looking after him but when it comes down to it I agree he is no role model for my son. I really limit the time they spend together because if my son grows up to be even a quarter of the man he is I will of failed him. Very difficult situation to be in. I speak to my sons granddad everyday and he always asks for my son and phones which is nice

[Gazelda]

Your son's grandparents sound lovely. I'd keep in touch with them, keep an open mind about the other baby and forget about your DS's Dad.
Look after yourself, concentrate on bringing up your baby. Apply to CMS but don't expect your ex to be a decent father.